Very difficult family dynamic

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long message, I need to explain a bit of background first.

I’m 43, and this starts with my mum many years ago who lost her mother when she was 8 years old to childbirth. My mum understandably never really got over this, her childhood wasn’t filled with much love which is incredibly sad. My dad is very avoidant, I don’t really understand his family life as he has never spoken of it. But he is very intelligent but avoidant of love and affection. My parents met when they were young and had my and my sister.

With such issues on both sides their relationship has always been turbulent. I won’t go into detail but at times it wasn’t pretty. My childhood was at times happy, we were lucky to have a fairly privileged life. But my parents relationship was always the problem. My mother being incredibly anxious/ claustrophobic because she feared losing us. My dad I think would have probably preferred not having a family. This sounds harsh and I know he loves me and sister and our children, but he just is wired differently and would have suited a life on his own.

When I was 8 and my sister 4, she got childhood epilepsy and had quite bad learning difficulties. My parents were naturally worried and ploughed all their energies into helping my sister.

Selfishly on my behalf this felt at times like I’d been abandoned. Me and my sister fought over my parents attention, my sister normally winning because she was younger and had epilepsy.

What happened was when I became a young adult, I pretty much disappeared from my families life. It was easier, I left a fairly toxic environment. Constant arguing between my parents and me and my sister. It was easier to leave, build a life with my boyfriend and cut them out. I did this for most of my 20’s/early 30’s.

My mum and sister were and still are incredibly close which made things even worse for me. My mum most definitely favoured my sister because she saw her as the less argumentative one.

When my sister got into her mid twenties, my sister was given one of my parents rental houses and they retired to France. My parents worried about my sister not being able to live on her salary so ‘helped’ her out. I lived in London with my boyfriend building up a life based on our own merit. Yes we were higher earners but still the situation was very unfair. I didn’t make a fuss of it until now. My sister met and married her husband who moved into her house.

All my relationships have been turbulent because I based them on my parents relationship. I’ve only worked that out recently. I became a single parent and my parents have been great. It brought us together again which was lovely, I moved back home for a couple of years. Equity was pulled out of my sisters house so I could buy a property for me and my daughter (it’s still very unbalanced though). But still there are a hell of a lot of underlying issues between me and my sister, jealousy and anger. I also feel a lot of anger towards my parents for not getting any therapy and for feeling rejected as a child.

It sounds crazy I know, but what happened to me as a child as followed me into being an adult.

Having my daughter has been a turning point for me. It’s forced me to address what happened to me as a child, I’ve seen a therapist and gone as far as I can really with that. It’s my sister and mum and dad that really need the help.

Family gatherings are a nightmare because of the past. I dread them.

My mums anxiety is a nightmare at times. She’s fine at home, but if we go out she shouts at my daughter if she goes out of sight. Her fear suffocating.

There is a part of me which would happily move abroad and start again with my DD. For me life is easier away from my family. My my dad has dementia and I want to be there for my mum and dad. But the dynamic is toxic and hard to be around. I got from being happy and depressed and unhappy in a heartbeat.

If it’s just me, my DD and my parents it’s ok but through into the mix my sister and her husband and son and then it’s a nightmare.

I love my parents and my sister dearly. They have all helped me when I have struggled as a single parent, but the pain of the past is still there.

My parents have hardly any friends, they never really have done. Which makes it worse as I feel they rely on seeing us.

I don’t know what to do, this situation is making me and everyone else unhappy.

Moving abroad if feasible might give you a bit of safety distance and perspective and you won't have to see them too often.
But often enough not to feel guilty sbout it.
Unfortunately i am NC with DF since August as he is quite aggressive.
It s difficult but still better than being in touch
Good luck
X

Thanks for your replies, I feel guilty for even written the message.

No we no longer live with my parents. They have helped out emotionally and financially over the past few years which I cannot thank them for enough. But the feeling that my mum favours my sister will always be there and I find that hard to live with.

She says things subconsciously which hurt me. For example my daughter is very loving and kind, so my mum says she is more like my sister. She compares me to my dad who is avoidant. I’m an incredibly loving and caring person, but she can’t see that. Plus there is an element of me be different around them to how I am around friends etc. I can relax and be myself.

My mums anxiety meant she passed on her phobias to me and I don’t want her doing that to my daughter.

Ive realised that as much as I love my parents I need to have distance for my sanity 😩

My sister does her fair share to look after my parents too. But it’s me and my DD who spend time with them at the weekend. My sister prioritises her family.

It is hard because without my parents hard work I wouldn’t have the beautiful house I live in.

But for me it’s deeper than that, it’s the feeling inside me of not being good enough which I’ve lived with all my life.

But like you mentioned like little miss engineer it has made me stronger and more self sufficient. Where as my sister has had everything done for her, she barely works and never really had to worry about money. My parents are nuts, they are so over protective of her they even insist on driving her to work which is a 20 minute drive. I’ve told them countless times she should walk, she needs to lose weight but they can’t help it. Whereas I work almost full time, walk to work and I’m a single parent. Can you see where the anger and resentment comes from? My sister almost expects to be treated this way which I find astonishing at almost 40.

Btw it’s my dad with dementia not my mum. She’s my dads career, he isn’t too bad at the moment. But with their relationship being so crap anyway it’s just an added nightmare thrown into the mix.

I feel sad for my mum because I don’t think she has ever been truly happy and finds happiness through her children and now grand children.

Thanks you Little Miss, this is literally years and years of pent up feelings which I haven’t really spoken up being blurted out on here. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me

I know they respect me, and you are right they know I need less help than my sister does. Though btw she has grown out of her epilepsy and despite having dyslexia is fine. It’s just a horrible feeling knowing that your mother deep down prefers yours sibling. She doesn’t have to say it, I just know it.

The thing I fear for is that will never be able to meet a nice man. I know what I’ve done wrong in the past and will actively do the opposite. Is it even possible for me to find someone after my rubbish past 😢

Little miss, very wise words. Thank you so much.

Do you mind me asking if you went on to meet anyone?

I definitely don’t feel I need anyone in my life. But I would like to meet someone now after being single for 5 years. I’ve had time to realise my mistakes.

Therapy is hard enough to access now, never mind forty-odd years ago - the default option until the mid 70s at least would have been long term tranquiliser use, which would have been useless in unpacking a terror that, like her mother (and perhaps an infant sibling - you don't say whether the child survived), her youngest child could suddenly die, especially with a husband who wasn't the type to be sympathetic or empathetic towards her fears.

In addition, it really isn't that long ago that women whose babies and children died were largely ignored and their husbands told quietly to not talk about it and just to get her pregnant again as soon as possible, as that would 'stop her thinking about the other one'. If medical professionals could be like that to women who had lost their children, how sympathetic do you think they would have been to a woman saying her Mum died when she was 8?

On top of that, her youngest child has learning difficulties which make functioning in the world more difficult (dyslexia often affects far more than just the ability to read out loud) and, again at that time, there was nothing like the level of help that today's parents complain isn't enough.

She doesn't have to 'prefer' one of you to the other, she just has the terror of wondering whether one is going to be dead by tomorrow morning and the other hasn't had any of those medical issues, so doesn't cause her the same fear. Were you to develop a potentially life threatening disease, you'd probably see the same fear in her eyes. When it comes down to it, your sister needed more help, supervision and care than you did. You might have wanted more of her time and attention, most children do - but, combined with her fears, the fact that your sister genuinely needed more isn't your mother's fault, anymore than it is your sister's or anybody else's.

They have both helped you when you needed it, they've been there for you even after many years of not being around.

Your anger and resentment is like being angry with somebody for not having an Autism diagnosis such as Aspergers' before it existed as a diagnosis - or a heart transplant before they'd been invented; you can't judge somebody by today's standards of treatment and care when they simply weren't available

Punishing her by moving away isn't going to solve anything other than give you the satisfaction of knowing she'll be tying herself up in knots worrying for you/your DD from a distance.

Some years back I spent quite a lot of time in therapy over issues from my childhood.

I eventually realized that although I was still carrying distress from events and relationships from my childhood, the people I had those issues with were long gone. My parents now were not the people they had been all those years ago.

You say still there are a hell of a lot of underlying issues between me and my sister, jealousy and anger. I also feel a lot of anger towards my parents for not getting any therapy and for feeling rejected as a child.

It sounds as if you want to thrash it all out again but, while I'm not in any way minimizing the hurt you experienced, you're never going to get a "rerun" of your childhood. Your DPs probably can't even remember some of the things that grieve you and they certainly can't put things right now. You need to work on your past by yourself.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, as the saying goes. Look at what's going on now. You have no control over your parents relationship with your sister or their relationship with each other.

Which leaves you with your mother's crippling anxiety and your dad's dementia. I agree that you're right to worry about her suffocating fear and how that could potentially affect your daughter.

You didn't say how old she is, but in your shoes I'd be telling her in age appropriate terms that her poor grandmother has a big problem with anxiety and isn't a pity how much it affects her? Try to defuse the situation by giving a bit of distance.

It must be a relief that your sister now shares some of the effort supporting your parents. The driving her to work thing is weird, but it's the sort of thing that develops when a relationship has always been so unbalanced.

You are so resentful of the extra money and attention your sister has had that you perhaps haven't registered that she's been taught learned helplessness over many years, which does nobody any good and has probably blighted her life. In many ways you are in a much better position than her - or your parents.

Thanks everyone, you are all speaking sense and in a lot of ways saying what I already know. But it’s still good to hear it.

I know it’s no ones fault. I know it’s not my sisters fault she was ill, I know it’s not my parents faults for what happened in their lives. And no my mothers sibling also does during the birth. So she not only lost her mum but a brother/sister. I feel for both my mum and dad, because they are deep down very unhappy people.

I won’t up sticks and move, I know it’s not the right thing to do. But I do need to have more distance in my relationship with my family. Today after an awful lunch, I returned home with my DD and had a shit day. The rest of my weekend was great with her. This is how much of an effect this all has on me. I want to be a great, happy mum and I can’t when I have this all going on.

I will never be close to my sister. It just won’t happen. But I am going to try and move on from the past and like you say put some boundaries into place.