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Original poster

Depressed at the thought of living like this forever

26 replies

lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 17:08

Split up from DH a while ago. We have 2 dc. Moved in with my parents but it wasn't working. So moved back in with DH (still separated) so that more stable for dc and we could both have shared care of the dc instead of swapping them about etc. We rent house from the council. Both earn ok wage which we keep completely separate now.
Neither of us can afford to move out, just about get by with what money I have now, no way I could afford a deposit for a house and the thought of living like this is so depressing. Everything in the house is shared from when we were living as a couple.
How have others managed to move out when they have separated with children. If I didn't have dc I would move in with parents and save Sad

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 17:11

Can't DH move in with his dps?

crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 17:14

When I split up from my ex, I was 'just' able to cover the mortgage alone but this was because I became entitled to tax credits and maintenance from ex. He agreed to move out and rent a house if I agreed to pay the mortgage. I had to put the house on the market though as I couldn't get a sole mortgage.
Why can't he move out? Could you afford the rent there on your own? Could you not borrow money for a deposit?

Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 17:18

Dp parent no longer alive.
He could afford to live here in this house and did when I moved back in with my dp but only because rent is quite cheap, he couldn't afford to private rent, and to be honest I don't think I could afford the home we are renting now alone...it's just never ending, seems like no way out

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 17:26

Have you checked what you would be entitled to in term of tax credits and maintenance though? Does that not make a difference?
You may also be entitled to housing benefit too if you're wage is low.

Graphista · 28/04/2019 17:27

Can he not afford to live in a house share even?

Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 17:42

I am entitled to a little bit tax credits but that's it no housing benefit so I probably couldn't afford this house on my own but it would be really tight.

ExH could afford to house share but I feel mean making him move out into a house share when it's something he doesn't want to do and the split wasn't nasty, we still get on ok.

OP posts:
Graphista · 28/04/2019 17:56

But it's very confusing for the kids and the 2 of you to be honest.

Where have you checked re benefits? Are there no cheaper properties in a suitable distance from work/school?

category12 · 28/04/2019 18:22

She isn't going to get cheaper than a council property, Graphista.

OP, make sure you check your entitlements as a single parent - you are claiming on your own, I take it? How old are the dc? Can you look for a better paying job?

crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 18:49

You don;t mention maintenance payments though! You've got to stop feeling sorry for your ex. He is an ex now and you have to go your separate ways at some point because believe me, it won't stay amicable for long if you carry on living together.
At the end of the day one of you has to move out so it has to be the one who is able to afford to live elsewhere. You need to add maintenance payments to your other entitlements and keep the current house you're living in. Yes it might be tight but that is just how it will have to be until things settle down.
I struggled paying the mortgage on my own and I did it for a year and a half but it was the only option for us.

T1nah · 28/04/2019 18:56

How old are you and DH?

Seems unfair he should be expected to house share - as per Graphista's suggestion.

Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 19:55

Children are 5 and 7.
To be fair my job is quite well paid but I can only work 5 hours a day as I have to pick children up.
Would I be entitled to maintenance if it was 50/50 care?
I can't expect him to move out, he has paid for most things in the house

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 19:55

Would i even be entitled to tax credit is children's care was 50/50?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/04/2019 19:58

No, you wouldn't get child support if it was 50/50. But it's not 50/50, if you're doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs .

Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 28/04/2019 20:09

Yes you are right @category12 I would be doing all pick ups and school holidays.
I'll have to have a proper think and work out exactly what I would get. Thanks for all replying.

OP posts:
Graphista · 28/04/2019 21:24

If he can't afford a full property then a houseshare until he can for the benefit of his children seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Personally I'm not a fan of 50/50 either, again it's confusing for the children and likely to leave them feeling not that they have 2 homes but no home at all.

Children need clear boundaries and security, they need to know somewhere is home and that someone is ultimately "in charge" of their care. Constant change of this kind does not in my experience produce happy secure children.

It's usually a decision made to be fair to the adults with little consideration for the children's needs.

crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 21:34

Can your ex even manage 50/50 realistically? That would mean he would have to take 50% responsibility for everything. If he cannot do that due to his job then 50/50 wouldn't work.
You would then have to come to an agreement about how often he can practically have the children. You then work out how much he should pay you in relation to his salary and number of nights he has the children.
@T1Nah so should the OP house-share with the children then? or do you have another solution?

crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 21:37

Just as an example OP. My ex couldn't do 50/50 because he works full time and starts at 8am in the morning and finishes at 4.30. My work is part-time and flexible so I am able to provide the majority of childcare. So he has the children every other weekend and they go for tea one night mid-week. He then pays me maintenance accordingly.
50/50 may sound like the fair thing to do but it may not be practical. If you are the one doing the 'majority' then your ex would have to pay maintenance.

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 21:40

Why do you want a divorce? Do you think it's worth one big last go at it?

ReganSomerset · 28/04/2019 21:43

Wouldn't being in a house share mean he couldn't have his kids overnight and maybe even during the day? Seems unfair, particularly if he's put more into the house.

crappyday2018 · 28/04/2019 21:47

I would hope the OP's ex would be more concerned about making sure his children are safe and have a home than picking over who paid the most into the house! I don't see that being the most important issue here.

Original poster
lovelydayyyy · 29/04/2019 06:21

I think this is why he doesn't want to house share, and I don't want him to also, as that would mean if he were to have children, which he will be doing, they would be in a house with essentially someone they don't know. I wouldn't be okay with that.
I want things to be fair, he is a good dad

OP posts:
ReganSomerset · 29/04/2019 07:00

Well, crappyday, they are currently safe and do have a home. If he entered a house share, if anything they'd be less safe when seeing their dad than they are currently. Couldn't he also make the argument that the kids could stay with him and the mum enter a house share? I don't think the father is automatically expected to give his home up in the event of a split.

T1nah · 29/04/2019 07:38

so should the OP house-share with the children then? or do you have another solution?

If things are amicable and he's a good dad, then I'd be making the marriage work. This couple have two young DC who need a stable home, not a dad in a house share whilst their mum scrapes by.

category12 · 29/04/2019 07:47

Or co-parent amicably while separated in the same house until their circumstances change enough to enable two households. We don't know the reasons they split up: OP shouldn't feel obliged to try again just because of money.

I was pretty fortunate that my ex had OW who was mug enough to take him after we split up, otherwise we'd have really struggled.

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