Do I settle?

[Smeghead90]

I’m with this amazing man who in his own words “worships the ground I walk on” the thing is it’s not a passionate relationship both of us have issues with sex, I’m on anti depressants so my sex drive is on the floor and he is struggling to finish because he’s stressed with work at the moment. But he makes me feel safe and looked after I’ve never had this before, my little girl adores him and he does her. I do love him just in a different way than I ever have loved anyone before. He’s got a great job and got a lot about him. We could be really happy I think I’m just not used to this sort of relationship. Has anyone else experienced this and stayed and made it work?

Hmm well I would say yes, though many others wouldn't. You love each other and feel safe - doesn't sound like settling to me, it sounds great, and much more than many others have.

That you both have these particular sex issues make you well matched in a way. As yours are due to ADs that I assume (possibly incorrectly) that you will be taking for years to come, imagine if you were with a guy who wanted sex every day or 2-3 times a day. The fun of being desired would quickly turn to annoyance then to disgust. No one likes being with a sex pest. And it wouldn't be much fun for him either.

Maybe ask him how he feels about you "settling" for him?

You say you could be happy- are you happy with him now?

What have your past relationship been like? Have you been in any abusive ones or where your partner treated you unkindly?

Make sure you point out that you're doing it because he's got "a great job" and can look after you.

I’m very happy now after years of emotional abuse from my ex, I think I’ve got this fairy tale image in my head which is unrealistic. He really is an amazing guy he’s got good morals and we both want the same thing.

Are you attracted to him?

I don’t understand the problem, your relationship sounds lovely? Neither of you have a high libido right now so you sound quite well matched in that department.

@slightlymisplacedsingledad I sense sarcasm there, I’m asking for advice not to be beat down by such remarks. I said I loved him I’m just not used to this sort of relationship every one I’ve had in the past has been abusive in some way so I think I think my judgement on a (normal) relationship is way off

I think I’ve got this fairy tale image in my head which is unrealistic
After years of EA are you sure you’re not subconsciously expecting love bombing and being treated like shit, and a normal, happy, healthy relationship just seems a bit uncomfortable, maybe even dull?

@RandomMess I am attracted to him just not sexually at the moment due to the anti depressants I’m taking

@Smellbellina that’s what I’m scared I’m doing and I really don’t want to. I know it’s something I have to work on

I think you probably view your abusive relationship as passionate and are using the arguments and the emotional rollercoaster as a benchmark for passion. I did similar when I met DH - my ex was a bastard and the relationship was all-consuming so when I met DH and we didn't have arguements or highs and lows, we were just calmly happy, I worried the relationship was boring and I wouldn't be fulfilled.

The truth is that we have passion - for each other, for our plans together, our work etc. It's just shown in a different way - it's calm and solid and dependable. We argue now and then but it's the kind of argument you can walk away from safe in the knowledge that we'll work it out.
I'm very happy and don't think I've settled. Maybe in time you'll come to see the same - how long ago was your ex and how new is this relationship?

well I don’t think you are settling OP, being happy isn’t terribly exciting, it’s just consistently pleasant. This is the fairy tale ending

You are attracted to him so how are you "settling" the harmonious atmosphere does not mean you are settling.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, @smeghead90. But it is really important to consider this from his perspective, too. You are the one who has described being with him as settling. If that is truly how you feel anout him, then as a fellow human being, he has a right to know what your feelings really are, so that he can make an inforned decision about whether this is the right relationship for him. He deseves that measure of respect. So I'm just trying to remind you that he has just as much right to find a satisfying, equal, and fulfilling relationshop as you do - and so, if you do feel you're just settling for him, it's inportant that you're honest so that he can make his own decisions.

All of that said, I do understand why that is confusing to figure out what a healthy relationahip should look and feel like after being in an abusive one. I've been there, and I'm still figuring it out for myself.

To that end, you may wish to take a lot longer to make big decisions about this or any other relationship. If you're not jn a place yet qhere yoh can figure out if this is qhat you want in a relatio ship, then you're jot jn a olace qhere tou sjould be makig that commitment to someone else. It isn't fair on them. So get counselling. Work on yourself. Make sure you're in a healthy place, so that you can truly commit to this, or any other, man from a place of stability. Otherwise, you will be apt to make mistakes.

Wow - sorry for all the typos. Must proof read!

I often think women are their own worst enemy sometimes. Determined not to settle for anything other than ‘passionate’, Adrenalin raising liaisons. In my experience men who induce such feelings are penny to a pound dickheads who will tear your heart out and stamp on it, torture you and decimate your self-worth. But you will experience such high emotional states though!

Sod that b*s. Good, caring, kind and giving men are so underrated. But maybe I shouldn’t l let you in on a secret. This is something you need to be looking for, somebody who will give in the relationship, who will look after you and your DC, be a good father, deny himself so that you need for nothing. Not the love-hate Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton style relationship, it is exhausting and destructive.

@OP I think you are attempting to self sabotaging an otherwise good relationship. Real, deep and mature relationships are not all butterflies and fireworks! It’s syncing on a much deeper level than that, using small acts or gestures of kindness, service, love and respect.
If you have had previously EA relationships then you’re likely sitting in wait with your hose trying to put out a fire. The fire isn’t there so you now feel something is missing. The sex issue can be worked on in time when both of you are mentally well.
For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re ‘settling’ I think you’re comfortable and happy and confused with being so.
You deserve to be happy so start letting yourself be so!

Thank you everyone I hear everything you’re saying and I agree with it all I am self sabotaging this relationship. I need to work on this definitely!

I think if you embrace this relationship for what it is you will realise you have a good one there with a future for you and DC! Good luck OP.