Is my wife losing interest or playing away?

[ScotsGuyNorthSea]

Crikey - where to begin?

So - my missus and I have been together 20 years. We're early 40's) We have two lovely well adjusted, happy kids in their early teens, who are no bother at all and they're doing really well. I think we're good parents. As a family unit, we're solid and happy. We're all fit and well people.

I work away, on a vessel in the North Sea, I work 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. We're all very used to it, and it seems to suit us. It means that every month, I have 14 days off with my family. So, although being away isn't 'easy' overall we get a lot of time together, as compared to somebody who works 9-5 say.

When I'm home I absolutely share the housework, in fact, I probably do about 60-70% of it when home. I'm up for the school runs, do the shopping and cook most nights and do the bulk of the washing when home too. In fact - I can't remember the last time she cooked me a nice meal?

I earn good money, and my money all goes into the joint account and covers 95% of the bills. I take some money out for me, for a bit of pocket money, but not much. Because of my work, she works as and when really - for an agency, but certainly isn't a slave to a job or anything like that.

Her money pays for her nice car, and family holidays. I don't really know what she earns exactly, as her money all goes into her account, which doesn't really bother me. She works about 5 days a month on average. Maybe 2 or 3 of those days will be when I'm home. She loves her job, and I like to think that in some respects, she has it all. She is a Mum to two great kids, and yet is a qualified professional too, and earns well, and can, on the whole, with a bit of effort, afford anything she wants really. She's got a husband who adores her.

She's got some good mates, and if she wants a night out, (once a month or so) its no bother - she goes - and I never mind - we all need a night out.

On paper, everything is fine. We're a model middle class successful family - she is the epitomy of a successful professional woman, I 'd say. She could go back to work full time if she wanted, I suppose, but is quite happy meeting the girls for a coffee or walking the dog during the days too.

Me - well, I come home for two weeks, will go out with my pals every other month maybe, sometimes less, but its a frequency I'm happy with. I'm certainly not out all the time and don't sit in front of the telly watching footy for hours on end or behave like a slob in the house. She's definitely under no pressure from me to do anything other than what makes her happy.

She just doesn't seem happy. It's hard to describe - she's not 'high maintenance' or anything - I just sort of feel like I'm in the Friend Zone more and more - almost like a house mate or something? I don't think she'd identify as being unhappy - she just hasn't got much zing anymore - certainly, not towards me.

When I'm at work, contact can be challenging, but I just get the same routine calls from home, saying the same routine stuff, nobody really says much of anything - half the time it feels like they're talking to me cause they have too - but often the tellys on and its all a bit half arsed.

Our sex life was always pretty good - sometimes a bit vanilla, I guess, (I have a slightly kinky side I suppose!, nothing nasty like, just a bit cheeky slap n tickle!)

But she always - always - cums - her pleasure is what gets me off. Generally I'll try and make her orgasm before I look for my own pleasure, and she can orgasm several times. Well - used too - she still always cums, but I think she prefers a nice lie down and her vibrator. In the past she'd maybe dress sexily for me, or play a few games, but all that's dwindling away. I knew it wasn't necessarily her 'thing', she didn't mind, but could take it or leave it.

I appreciated that.

But these last 2 years or so - I literally cannot remember the last time she came onto me. She never flirts any more at all.

Our sex life isn't dead. We'll still play together, but 3 or 4 times a week, has become once or twice a week, and the weeks where its once or not at all a week, are increasing. Usually its just mutual playing with ourselves - its kinda lazy. And the kids are at school, so its not like this is 11pm after a long day in the office. Last holiday we went on, we played a bit, but no actual sex.

But for any action at all - anything - I feel like a dog begging for its tea.

If I never asked her for anything sexual again - I wonder if she'd be bothered in the slightest. But GOD Help Me if she ever caught me masturbating. She wasn't in the mood once, so I er... carried on alone - she came in and went crackers, you'd think there was another woman there the way she erupted.

I'm not the best looking guy - I certainly never get chatted up by women, lol. I'm chubby - but I was when we met - and she fancied me then alright...

My wife is trim and beautiful and I fancy her a lot - and I fantasize about her a lot. I'll ocasionally talk dirty to her on the occasions when we do play together - lying side by side - and she'll be like 'ooh is that what you're going to do to me next time'? No. No it isn't - because next time, you'll not be in the mood, or nipping to the shops will be more urgent, or you'll only agree to allow me a quick play.

I've never played away, and have no desire too. I love my missus, but I'm starting to feel like her mate, or he PA or something.

Is it wrong that I miss her coming on to me so much? I feel in mourning for a dwindling sex life. I feel like a dirty pervert if I ever dare talk to her about her dressing up or being naughty in the bedroom.

But worse, I;m starting to wonder if she's taking her pleasure elsewhere.

It's the little things. I can phone home, and she's not in when I might expect she is. She's working out more. She gets her hair done - always when I'm away. - She goes to work in nice make-up, but never wears any when I'm around. When I'm at work, and we speak , I'll ask what her days been like - 'housework' is the reply. (our kids are tidy, how much housework is there in a week when you're in on your own all day?). In the past when I got home from work, she'd be freshly showered, legs shaved - you know the score ladies (!) now she's sat watching telly in a big dressing gown and slippers, and often the house is a tip. I used to get a smooch - now I get a 'hiya love' and the telly doesn't even get paused. If I pressed the matter, I might get a cuddle and some romantic action - but again- I'd feel like a dog asking for his dinner, its all very task orientated and perfunctory - however gently I try to seduce her. Mutual Hand job - lights out - and thats your lot mate. (As happened on holiday last summer for two weeks. One fumble. I was gutted.)

Deep down I don't think she's having an affair - its almost like she, consciously or otherwise, might be open to one if it came along - because she's just not that into me. But increasingly kind of mardy with me too. I daren't say anything - handles will be flown off.

I sometimes wonder if she;ll bugger off when the kids are old enough?

I think - I hope - I'm a decent husband - but I'm f*cked if I want to spend the next 40 years living with someone who just doesn't fancy me at all - or apparently seem to want me as anything other than a flatmate.

I know womens libido dips - and I don't expect to be hanging off chandeliers every night till I'm 90.

But I miss feeling like her fella. I miss feeling close.

Maybe I'm missing something ?

I think she’s got herself a routine of having learned to be alone
This is what happened to me when my ex was away a lot. I was basically living the life of a single person, with no partner - which means that you can sit around in your dressing gown flicking through mumsnet at 10 pm and don't have to pay attention to anyone else. Then he'd come home knackered and want some down time from work. Neither of us was in "please your partner" mode. We'd also been together for donkey's years. I was at least fulfilled by having a job that stimulated me intellectually and made me feel like I was paying my way. Doesn't sound like your wife has that - however much she might appreciate the flexibility. (Just because someone tries to be positive about their situation doesn't mean it's good for them.)

Good news is that you've noticed this and want to do something about it.

In bed, have you tried pampering her? E.g. nice glass of wine then massaging her feet or whatever bits she likes best, rubbing in smelly oils, stroking, kissing, going down on her ... without expecting anything in return?

What was it do you think your wife fell in love with? How is your mojo doing? My bf is also not your physically attractive type, but when I'm feeling a bit "meh", he can get my interest with his confidence and anarchic humour.

I think you're expecting your wife to be some princess, why does she have to wear make up and behave in a certain way? You say that she reacts positively to your advances so she's not knocking you back.
Of course it's not going to be the same as when you first met, that's unrealistic.

Your post seems to mainly be about the sex, but I wonder about the rest of it? Do you share jokes at all? Does she laugh with you? Make each other cups of tea? Is there any real connection?
it sounds like boredom, mild depression or peri-menopause.
I can relate to the length of the marriage and age of the children - I am not bored, exactly, I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands as my child doesn’t need me as much and I am wondering what happens next.
She’s done all the most essential mothering and is maybe looking for something meaningful and new - it might not be about you at all.

I think she has got used to being on her own; comfortable, routine with the kids, seeing friends etc. Then when you come home it is probably a disruption to that. I think this is a problem in some long term relationships, you plod on together happily enough when you live together, but then uf your partner works away and you start having time on your own you realise it is actually easier to just suit yourself all the time
Also, I don't believe she 'cums' (yuck) everytime you have sex or play together (also yuck) esp multiple times- I bet my bottom dollar she is faking. At least some of the time.

When you're home, do you go out together - days out when the kids are at school, evenings out to the cinema, for meals, meet up with friends?

As others have said, it sounds like she has created a life for herself for the two weeks out of four that you are away, out of necessity. It must be hard swapping from being partnered and then not partnered, which is essentially what this is, like this. I think for you it is different, in that you have a total change when you are away. No day to day kids drudgery, shopping, cleaning, cooking, 'being there' for children. For her, all that changes is that there is an extra person in the house when you are home. The surroundings stay the same.

Instead of having a chat about the current situation (you've said she doesn't like this), maybe have a chat about where you both want to be in five years time. Talk about whether it would be a good thing for you to have a different job and therefore lifestyle, talk about what she would like to be doing, what's missing from life now that you can plan to improve on. In other words, keep it positive, keep it open, don't accuse (I'm not saying you do but her perception may be different), make the future something to look forward to, not just the same as this but five years on.

And also, plan nice stuff for your time at home. Go out, have fun, entertain at home, enrich your time together.

Also, I don't believe she 'cums' (yuck) everytime you have sex or play together (also yuck) esp multiple times- I bet my bottom dollar she is faking. At least some of the time.
Or OP assumes she's come (is that less yuck?) when she groans especially loudly etc. ... in my experience men are simply not able to tell what exactly is going on. In any case, you can get different qualities of orgasm. You can have a pretty functional orgasm without actually having any real pleasure in it.

I also think her life sounds unsatisfying. She's had to get used to being on her own a lot of the time and no doubt has her own routines and habits, and you keep coming back and disrupting them. No matter how much she loves you, that must be stressful and leaves her at your beck and call, as it were. I think she must feel a bit powerless in the relationship. You talk a lot about how comfortable things are for her, financially and in terms of her circumstances, and in her shoes I think I would feel very conflicted - bored and unfulfilled on one hand but trying to feel more grateful on the other. However much you may have tried not to let it, your grievance at the situation seems to have found its focus in your sex life and I wonder if she feels a bit like a highly paid call girl. You hear of women who've been set up in a luxury apartment with a generous allowance and just have to make themselves sexually available whenever their sugar daddy's in town. I'm not suggesting this is how you see it, but if she feels like she's in golden handcuffs, I can see how it could totally kill desire.

You do have to talk - and listen, as someone else said - and I wonder if you might have to rethink your work set-up, if that's even possible, in order to reconnect as a couple. But maybe you've just outgrown each other. Sorry.

I agree with the poster who said she may be Peri-menopausal. Also, if your managing sex twice a week after 20 years of marriage, you’re doing ok! It doesn’t sound like you’re flat mates at all! I think what you’re missing is predominately the affection. Perhaps if you showed more affection towards your wife and wasn’t expectant of sex every time, she would feel more warm towards you! Working 5 days a month, she is likely pretty bored! It also sounds like she’s maintaining her appearance whereas you’re not making much effort with yours! Could you not join her for workouts etc?

Pre menopause.
Tricky age.
Empty nest / kids not needing you so much.
All sounds very familiar.
Time for a gentle chat about how she really feels.
Good luck.

As PP have said, perimenopause could be playing a part for your wife, or simply the stage of life you are both at: comfortable and functional, sure, but I wonder if she has any unfulfilled ambitions or desires? Do you? I noticed from your original post that you seem to see things in quite compartmentalised ways, and given your work patterns, I can see how this has evolved. I mean that you mention things you do whilst home, and things you want to be there waiting for you as separate from your life away from home and how things are for your wife. It also feels a bit task-orientated rather than relationship-orientated: you do this to show you care and I do that. Again, this feels like the pattern you have evolved due to the nature of your work. Your wife may want to be asked how things have been rather than be offered flowers or have you do the housework. It feels as though you are noticing that things don’t feel familiar or how you have them ordered in your mind and memory, and that’s uncomfortable. What’s your relationship like with your DCs? Do you do things together as a family when you are home? You say your kids are ‘no bother’ but what are they interested in? What do they care about? What about your wife? These aren’t criticisms, just questions. It sounds like you are trying to stay with a picture of your relationship that may need adjusting or adapting.

What stands out for me is that you said that your kids were no bother, they are massive effort, age regardless. I wonder if she runs a well organised but heavy duty routine and you just don’t see it? The mental load drains your sex drive? Does she have to think of everything?

It sounds a boring life to be honest. It revolves around the two weeks on/off which has influenced how you live. There seems no space for real spontaneity. Whatever happens remember sex does become less important over the years - that’s perfectly natural - so don’t expect to travel back to your 20s.

The working away thing, not the same but I was in a LTR with someone on permanent night shifts (while children were young) and tbh when you get used to doing everything yourself and can find that you are somewhat redundant.
I'm wondering if you do anything for her (except for bonking) that makes her feel that she needs you and she's glad you're back.
The makeup/making an effort thing, do you ever say oh you look nice, have you done something different? Something to show interest in her as a sexual person that you fancy?

This is purely well-meant speculation of course, but it's easy to get used to someone not being around, running the house and kids your own way, and it can be hard to adjust to someone reappearing who is wanting to slot back into this life that just ticks along without them iykwim.

Peri menopause, depression, boring life... or, far more likely, another man.

She has the time, the money and an understanding husband.

Your OP does seem very ‘blokey’! When I read it, I did think you were testing the sexism on MN by posting as a bad novelist would write the part of a man’s man working on a rig.

However, taking it at face value, my first thought would be that she is seeing someone else. Hard to know the solution. You can be intrusive and pry, you can accept life as it is now and that you will never know or you can just split.

I would chat to her and say exactly what you did in your OP and say that changes need to happen for you to stay together. You cannot be friend zoned in a marriage unless you are both happy as friends.

There is nothing that makes me want to have sex less than dh asking me for sex. Please don't ask her!

It's unfair to jump on the OP for listing his housework- if he hadn't then the first question would have been "how much do you contribute to running the household on a practical level?".

I think you sound like a really nice guy who is trying his best.

I agree that your wife sounds like she has her own routine and may be a little bored or feeling down, sounds odd but sometimes when we are lonely and down we actually push away the people we are closest to.

Do you tell her how pretty she looks? Comment on her outfits?

I know for me the sexiest part of my DH is that he is a good dad, maybe take the kids for days out together even just cinema to get that close family feeling again ?

My dad worked on the rigs so I understand the effect it has on a family, i also know there are plenty of very nice, kind, family oriented men on the rigs who must have experienced the same problems, maybe try opening up to some of your mates and get advice there ?