Managing low contact

[Stepawayslowly]

Has anyone managed to do this?

I really need a friend out of my life. He's an excellent friend, probably my closest, but he's explicitly stated that I'll never be more, and I find that too hard, especially as he's declared he is going to meet his "future wife" this year and is hitting Tinder like it's going out of fashion.

Plus it's too intense and distracting - we talk every day, see each other about every second day and the conversations are deep and intense and all the time, often running late at night and starting again first thing in the morning. I feel stuck and just want to move on and know I need to before he meets his "future wife" anyway because then I know the spotlight will be off me anyway.

I've been trying to step away recently and have gone a bit quiet, but when I do he'll always message as ask what's wrong, am I OK and so on. Sometimes he'll even do that after I haven't responded within an hour. I deleted my SM apps a couple of months ago because the contact was too intense but he got quite upset about it and asked me not to do that again.

NC isn't an option because our lives overlap, and I am finding pulling back really really hard. I don't want drama, I just want to fade away slowly and move on.

Has anyone managed to do this? Does anyone have any advice? I'm really at a loss but know something needs to change

It's a very difficult position to be in for sure.
How does your lives 'overlap' and not allow you to go NC?
I've recently read a book about NC by Natalie Lue, who is behind the Baggage Reclaim Blog.
Within the book she gives examples of how she has managed to go NC in different situations. And most importantly realised why she needed to go NC.
I think that you have already identified that you need to do this in order to distance yourself, and avoid further pain.

Own your stuff, explain that you need to distance yourself due to your feelings for him.
If he is truly a friend he will understand, and allow you the space. Given time, then maybe you will be able to revisit the friendship without so much intensity.

It sounds like he's using you. You're convenient as his counsellor and confidante. He doesn't want more from you but knows you would like more. You might have to see him but you don't have to answer calls, respond to messages or agree to socialising. It's hard but stand your ground and it will happen.

Thanks. It's really hard.

He used to be a bit of a dickhead and it would have been easier then but in the last few months he's become like a super confidante/excellent friend - I keep trying to keep things even but he always has a way of tilting things so it's him providing more support to me rather than the other way around. In a way that makes it all harder and worse.

We pretty much share many of our mutual friends which is why I don't want to be hard NC. I just want to see him around sometimes and not have him in my head in between times.

He asked you not to delete your SM apps and checks up on you after an hour? He sounds obsessive and overbearing. I'd ditch him just for that. You need new friends or a date to distract you!

Are you sure he is no longer a dickhead but hasn't become a more manipulative dickhead?
He is using you.

Just tell him you can't keep messaging him and block him. You can even tell some mutual friends why.
But maybe you also need to go out and make new friends.

He might just genuinely see you as a good friend, OP.
My ex had lots of female friends. Since we've split up, he sees one of his female friends all the time. I asked him recently if they were dating and he said, "Why fuck up a good friendship?" And that she'll always be a good mate, nothing more, nothing less. And, sadly for you, this might just be the case.

Still remain friends but just remember where you stand with him and move on in regards to finding someone to build a future with.

He sounds like a manipulative twat - he was upset that you deleted your social media and weren't at his immediate beck and call. He chases you up if you don’t respond to him within an hour.

Honestly, he’s not a good man and certainly not an excellent friend. All these deep and meaningful conversations are giving him the means to keep you tied to him - as your ‘support’ or whatever.

I doubt for a minute he hasn’t realised you are basically in love with him. If he was a kind man he’d allow you to go low contact and for your ties to him to fade out. But he’s not, he’s loving it.

I deleted my SM apps a couple of months ago because the contact was too intense but he got quite upset about it and asked me not to do that again.
That does sound quite manipulative from him OP. It's entirely your right to delete for SM accounts if you want to take a backward step and time to breathe.

Also maybe tell him you want to take a break from those long intense calls as well: you get to do that because you are an independent adult and not a chattel.

I also agree with another PP that maybe you also need to see if you can make new friends and back away from the mutual friends for a while. Maybe find something else to do for some of the time, study, gym/training, a new hobby, anything else outside the pattern you currently have until you are feeling a bit stronger.

It seems that, currently, the pleasure on contact is pretty much one way in this "friendship". Take back some control - I'm not saying it will be easy but what better choice do you have? Strength and luck to you. 🌹

Thanks all - you’ve given me a lot to think about, in a good way.

The best way to get control is to back away I suppose

Where is the overlap - is it work or hobbies?

I'd go grey rock or just a simple "I'm finding my interactions with you are really draining me. It's best you find another confidante. All the best." Then block him on literally everything.

Grey rock is statistically safer.