What to do? I am so torn

[Sid80]

Hello,
I have recently seperated from my wife after deciding to leave for another women. Everything came to a head when I admitted my emotional affair then physical affair several weeks ago. I love my new girlfriend and I think I still love my wife, but she has given me the chance of coming back to make a go of it for my family. My marriage was abusive with constant arguments over the smallest of things and I truly felt depressed all the time and felt if I did the slightest thing wrong what would happen. My wife says she will change but the risk in going back and things returning to the old ways petrify me. I know I need to sort my head out before making a decision but I am so upset right now I dont know what to do.

The fact you had an affair is pretty shit but I get you know this right ?

In terms of you ex wife being abusive it’s extremely unlikely that she will change. You should not be in a relationship right now with anyone , you should be single and work through your emotions, maybe do the freedom programme to help strengthen your boundaries. Work on you and you’d mental health as a priority op .

Maybe some time alone will be better - you have more than two options here

I know my affair was shitty that is for sure.

I understand I need time alone but it is difficult when I have to stay in touch and see my wife due to the children. I am going to seek therapy to work out if what has happened in my marriage was abusive or not and if I can ever get over that but it is so hard when someone is promising change but you dont trust they will

I also know I have to break contact with OW and deal with that heartbreak which is a real struggle but I need to be alone to figure out what is best for me

People can change.
But it takes time- years sometimes as it is easy to skip into old patterns.
Take some space and time.

If you have to get help to weigh up whether you were abused, you probably were. I feel no need to vilify your affair - but I can tell you from experience that time for you will really clear the fog in your brain

Neither of these relationships will last. If your wife was abusive before she's not going to be much better after you come crawling back for more and you've proven yourself to be so untrustworthy.

Your OW will always feel insecure and second best to your Wife & mother of your children and eventually she will realise you could do the same to her. It doesn't sound like you really love her anyway. Just a lustful infatuation that helped you escape your wife.

Take some time alone and look at your own issues without inflicting them on someone else.

If she is abusive then arrange contact through a 3rd party - e.g. you pick the kids up from one of their grandparents houses.

Let OW know you need time and space. Seek counselling because abusive relationships can really fuck you up long term.

If you have family/friends who she has isolated you from, get back in touch. I would be delighted to hear from, and support, an old friend who had been abused.

If she was controlling before you are in for a world of pain post affair. Save your wife and you the delayed misery and just end it now.

Honestly I don't think
Your wife will be any different in fact as pp has said I think she will be even more controlling given your affair she's likely to punish you. I speak from experience of a friend of mine ( male). He went back after leaving for OW he's spent the last 15 years basically being controlled and is miserable in the marriage. I think some time alone is what you need.

Affair = not cool
Seeking therapy is a good move. Coming on here to seek advice is a good move. Being on your own for a while could be a good move, too.

People can change but it does take time. Equally so, your new girlfriend will change over time, too. The grass isn't always greener in the long-run, either.

The most important thing is your mental wellbeing, and the same goes for your children.