I just wanted to share my experience. Last weekend I left my partner of 4 years who I used to love very much. I left him because of his controlling manipulative behaviour and I just wanted others to read this an get out when they see red flags rather that hoping it would get better like I did and wasting 4 years- it won't btw.
I guess it all started the first time I stayed over at his, it was a Saturday morning and I had booked into a class at the gym, his face fell when I said I was leaving even though I said let's get together in the afternoon. He made other plans in the afternoon and wouldn't see me- I never booked the gym class again for a Saturday morning even through I'd been going for months because I didn't want him to feel rejected. The second flag was when I went out with one of my gf for a night out- my God did he sulk after that! We had a row, he denied having an issue and bought me a lovely piece of jewellery. A few times after that the same thing happened (the silent treatment but without the jewellery!) I learnt that it wasn't worth the hassle so I stopped going out even though he insisted he didn't have an issue. I used to go away with friends for city breaks, that all stopped because he says we should be doing those things together and working towards a future together.
He ruined an expensive w/e I planned for him by sulking and stropping around as I mentioned I was going on a spa day with a gf- he sulked and withdrew saying she had taken that away from him as he wanted to take me in a spa weekend! I explained that you can never have too many spa days- but nope he says it was ruined now! I basically cut myself from everyone all except his family which is obviously what he wanted. There's the thing to look out for- he really seemed like the best bf ever! Loving, considerate, attentive, affectionate, generous, a gentleman , he made me feel like a princess WHEN HE WAS GETTING WHAT HE WANTED! When he wasn't he withdrew all of these things and left me empty and sad. So desperate to get back this lovely person I did whatever It took to please him to see that side of him but that side was becoming less and less apparent with him sulking over just about anything which didn't involve him. We broke up countless times but got back together when he showered me with loving words and how I'd never ever find someone who lived me as much as he did- and I actually believed that! All of his actions were hidden under the guise of 'love'. "It's because I love you "
The main issue which I haven't mentioned yet was my daughters aged 19 and 22. His jealousy over them was ultimately the reason I got out. I am close to my daughters, I have no living parents and one sister who lives 2 hours away so my relationship with them is very important to me. I could see the same pattern emerging and I wasn't going to lose my daughters for anyone. My god I tried and tried and he insisted there was no issue but there so clearly was. He said I was too close to my girls, I was having a mid life crisis because I went to a concert with them and he said he felt pushed out even though when he came to my house he was always welcomed. It was him who cut himself off by sitting alone in the kitchen because my daughters were in the lounge with us watching tv and he said it wasn't something he wanted to watch. I wanted to take my daughter away for her 18th which I did but wow did I pay for it, I was accused of leaving him out and not wanting a relationship at all despite the fact that we had two holidays together the same year just the two of us without my children (at 19 and 22 they didn't want to come obviously!)
He really was like a spoiled child, constantly making comments about us and turning everything into a competition between them and him! He has a really bad relationship with both his kids, one of which just upped and left a few months ago to live with his Mum and I guess that should have been a warning to me too. He seemed to have no interest in doing things with his son and thought I should have the same relationship with my daughters. He has no real friends (another red flag) as he's fallen out with them all. There's always dramas going on in his family (red flag)! To the point that I've lost track of who's talking to who, they are all so nasty about one another it's unbelievable to think they are related.
On top of that I caught him going through my phone - goodness knows how many other times he'd done it, and I'm pretty sure he hooked into my security camera in my house as he knew of a few comings and going's that he wouldn't have otherwise but I'm not 100% sure.
He was a nasty manipulative man who showed himself to me in a loving way to win me over- a wolf in sheep's clothing.
I'm so disappointed in myself for not getting out sooner but when he started talking about engagement rings I just thought- no. So with no future which I could see I ended it. I'm now here having lost most of my friends over him and with no hobbies or interests as I have given everything up. It's a lonely place but one I can build on and the freedom I feel is immense! I can go shopping with my daughter now without it becoming a battle and I can plan things without walking on eggshells and braving myself to ask him if it's ok.
So anyone in a similar position please note- it doesn't get better. He won't change. Please don't give up your life for someone who has so little respect for yours.
Thank you for reading my story.