Interfering in teenage friendships

[BananaBooBoo]

Hi all.
I have had a sleepless night worrying about DD13. She finds it very difficult to make friends and is generally attracted to drama llamas so there's constant emotional turmoil. She had one lovely friend from primary school who goes to a different secondary school and they would spend a lot of time together playing games online or meeting up for days out at half terms.

This friendships seems to have come an end and my daughter won't say why. She is reluctant to discuss feelings etc in general but I can see she's devestated. She says they have said sorry to each other but the other girl no longer engages in or initiates contact online. To be honest I think this relationship was fundamental to my daughter's happiness.
She hates her school and was thinking of changing to go to the same school as this girl but now no longer wants to. Of course I am trying to get her to widen her friendship circle but she baulks at the idea of joining a club etc when she knows no-one else there. Her self esteem is low.
Is it a bad idea to contact this girls mum who I know slightly to see if the friendship could be saved? Will this make everything worse? Any advice ?

Sorry you're going through this. I do think it's a bad idea to contact the other Mum.

Not because it's bad to talk to the parents of our children's friends but because if the other girl has simply grown out of your DD...then there's the risk of DD being hurt even more.

Unfortunately, you can't make the kid hang out with your DD...and that's what it boils down to.

What's your DD interested in? I can sympathise with the not wanting to join clubs thing. Neither of my DD's will either.

However, an interest could be the key to friendships. Also....speak to the school. They do have a duty of care to support your DD.

My friend is going through this with her dd (13) at moment. I really feel for her and her DD. It may be worth chatting to the head of year and see if they can facilitate her sitting next to someone who is also struggling with friendships. It may involve a change of group but it may just help.

I think it would be best to leave it to be honest. She seems to have accepted that the friendship has fizzled out as they often do after the primary to secondary transition. Unless you know the specifics, getting involved might cause her embarrassment which is hard at this age! If she really hates the school she is at are there any other options (other than the one the ex friend goes to)? I haven’t read it but was recently eyeing this book up:
www.amazon.co.uk/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/1782395563?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Maybe this or something more specifically tailored to teenage social issues might be good for advice?

I agree with everything HennyPenny said. At this age you can’t force friendships but you can aim to increase your daughter’s confidence and self esteem. Making school aware so they can support her and encouraging outside clubs is in my experience the way forward.

I sympathise, my dd is 17 now and would not discuss ins and outs of friendships at the age your dd is. A wiser woman than me once said-‘you can’t stop bad things happening to your children, you can only try to give them the tools to deal with it’

She finds it very difficult to make friends and is generally attracted to drama llamas

Have you talked with her about why?

I wouldn't get involved to be honest. I never have when these situations have happened with my children. You can't force or persuade another child to be friends with yours.

Oh gosh, no, don’t get involved! Your daughter will be utterly humiliated. Ultimately if the other girl wants to cool off on the friendship for any reason at all that’s entirely her choice and a totally normal part of being a teenager and a human being. You have no idea what’s gone on and it’s not your business. This is pure speculation but it’s quite excessive to be considering moving schools just to be near one particular friend and I wouldn’t be surprised if the other girl is feeling a bit suffocated being your daughter’s only friend and cooled things off before she moves and, in her view, tries to stick to her everyday/hitch a ride on her friendship group. I’d have felt very uncomfortable with that level of neediness at that age when you’re all spreading your wings.

At thirteen all you can do is encourage your daughter to continue doing things that’ll help her make new friends. What interests and hobbies does she have? At thirteen I think most of my friends were either made through playing music (all in the school orchestra, or the orchestra outside of school) or listening to music (all of us metal kids gravitated to one another!) but there are plenty of things she could be getting involved with.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing (trying to repair this one friendship) at the expense of the real issue which is that she needs to develop more friendships so she isn’t in this position again where one friendship goes wrong and therefore she has none left.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it's so helpful. Not sure how to respond to people individually so will try and answer the questions!

To be honest she likes gaming and make up! She did all sorts when younger, gymnastics drama playing the guitar but has lost all interest. She recently got into a county final for running but won't hear tell of joining a club as 'it will too embarrassing if no-one talks to me' . She is shy herself so I think she goes for extroverts as an opposites attract thing. She will talk to people beside her in class but wouldn't hang around with them at lunch because apparently they all have their own groups. Impossible to infiltrate according to her! She seems so afraid of making a fool of herself that it's easier to not bother.

Thanks I will order that book.

I can see now I was focusing on trying to fix the friendship as a desperate attempt to make her happy again but of course you are all right this is part and parcel of teenage life.

I have an older DD but she never had any real problems with friend ships and loves school and I'm a people person myself.
She doesn't want to help herself at the moment by stepping outside her comfort zone so it's difficult to help. My DH says he was similar and only got friends at uni but I don't want the next 5 years to be so hard for her!

Thanks again everyone. I'll keep my nose out!x

I want to tell you that at the age of 13 until I was 15, I had no friends. I had kids who were "ok" to me but nobody I could hang out with at all.

It was because my best friend who I'd been with from the age of about 9 went off with another girl. I DID come out of it. I made more friends by 16 and was fine.x

Thank you Henny that's reassuring. My DH says the same. It's just hard until that happens but I can just keep trying to build up her confidence and keep her home life happy

That's right. Home was my best place at that age. I spent my time drawing and writing. School was tricky but it's character building. I got through it.