My children can't stand their father

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Title says it all. Three children, all girls, aged 19, 15 and 13. And they spent the whole afternoon (not for the first time) complaining about their father, my "d" h.

And why? I guess they feel un-loved. They feel he only speaks to them to tell them off or complain. And he's a sulker, casting black moods across the whole household. He asks me about them, and what they're doing, but never speaks directly to them.

He talks about the children lots, about how he has done this with oneof them, and that with the other. I've even heard people tell him what a great Dad he is. Yet if anyone from outside the family could see what he is like at home, I think they would have a big, big shock to see a man who rarely speaks to his family or knows anything about them.

I know this is waffly. I just wonder whether it is normal for children to so dislike their father? I don't want to encourage the complaints, but not do I wish for my girls to feel they can't be honest about their feelings.

I am about to tell dh I want a divorce. Sounds silly, but I worry what other people will think. The fact that he is such a bad father plays a big part in my decision, but I know he puts on a good show for people outside the family. If we had hidden camera footage that I could somehow show, people might be of another opinion.

No real advice I’m afraid but you’re certainly not the first person to wish they had a secret camera at home to prove what things are really like. Your real advantage here is that it doesn’t sound like your children will be totally distraught by a split though it is, of course, sad that they don’t have the relationship they’d like with their father. Hope it all goes well for you x

Parents reap what they sow with their kids. Mine did when they hit the teens re their dad.

Fuck what people think, you should have got rid of him earlier from the sounds of it.

Thank you. You're very kind.

My dad was awful when I was younger. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I constantly begged my mum to leave him but she never did.

My parents are still married and my dad has turned into a teddy bear in his old age but his previous behaviour has left many emotional scars and meant that I struggled to have healthy relationships and my mum's failure to protect me has left a lasting bitterness.

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. They will thank you for it.

OP I could have written your post!
My husband was the same. Rarely spoke to his own children or me and didn't know anything about us or share anything if himself with us. He was also physically abusive to me for years. I called time in my marriage 6 months ago after,, amongst other incidents, my 14 year old son crying and begging me to divorce him. I won't lie and say it's been easy but it's getting better and was definitely the right decision for me and the kids.

There was a similar thread on here a few weeks ago and people were saying things like its not up to the kids! But i think the consensus was that the OP, their mum, should have acted and sorted it out, decided whether he was the best person for them to be brought up by -without putting any onus on them. I think Mrsmummy has it in her post

I was the child in a family exactly like this. I used to dream about being adopted by a nice kind family. I left home at 16, my sister married at 17 and my other sister has been NC for 30 years.

Do yourself and your kids a favour, remove him from your lives before the kids blame you for allowing him to ruin theirs.

Does he understand the impact he is having on them? Or does he think this is all teen histrionics?

It’s pretty normal for teenagers to go through a phase of hating one or another of their parents, but all three of them hating him is not normal, no. If this is unintentional, he might benefit from family counselling. If he knows exactly what he’s doing, LTB

Fast forward to the end of his life and he will be wishing he were kinder to his daughters as he searches for someone to take care of him in his old age.

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your girls. I have one daughter, a wee bit younger than yours, and her dad spoils and celebrates her like a princess. I’m not saying that is right and I try to curb his worst excesses but your wonderful girls definitely deserve a dad who demonstrably loves, is interested in, and supports them. Their complaints should be heard. Cannot believe he can’t even talk to them, what an appalling excuse for a dad while showing off to others about what a great parent he is. Good luck, OP, but I bet things are so much better without him, let us know howit goes. Xx

Thanks to all who replied. For jo particular reason, I was just feeling really depressed about the who,e situation last night and needed to somehow vent.

Haven't seen dh all day today. He went for a long bike ride today, followed by a late pub lunch with friends. And so life goes on. The children and I had a nice day without him, but he'll be back soon enough and the usual atmosphere of tense formality will resume.

He's giving my middle daughter in particular a hard time at the moment, asking why she doesnt want to spend time with him. She is never rude or anything like that, notwithstanding her age. She is a quiet, polite girl who always tries to please. She is finding the pressure to interact with him hard to deal with. He has virtually ignored her for years - as he has the rest if his children - but seems to think she should be able to get over all that in a week or two.

Dh tells me I have weird expectations of family life, having come from a somewhat fractured family background myself. I do find myself wondering if he is right. But I look at other families and, at least from what i can see, they aren't like ours. And dh seems to know that things aren't right, because he seems keen to put on a show for people outside our family unit, of what a great family guy he is.

I feel so sorry for your daughters.
Not so sorry for you though. You have the ability to make better choices - they don’t.

My DD's relationship with her dad improved immeasurably when he moved out. He HAD to parent her when she went to visit him, because i wasnt there for him to palm her off onto. The relationship has fractured at present brcause he is back to being a bit of a dick, but its much better than it was.

Dh tells me I have weird expectations of family life, having come from a somewhat fractured family background myself.

Well, I come from an immensely stable family and there's absolutely nothing weird about how you'd like your DH to treat your poor DDs. Stupid man!

If he doesn't change he'll lose them eventually, and any grandchildren he might have.

You are doing the right thing in going for a divorce. Your daughters will be relieved. And, ok it's a bit belated, but it's important to show them that women don't have to put up with being treated badly.

The situation/family dynamic/'D'H/cycling element seems very familiar. There was another thread recently almost exactly the same where the OP was advised to get her and her children into a better situation. Can there be even more of these guys around casting misery into their families like this?

I feel for you
My ex is crap and 2 years ago my youngest DD (now 14) refused to visit him. This has lasted 2 years although she will now go for a few hours on special occasions but only visits with me present so when I pick up DD16, I am kind of doing supervised visitation with DD14 and he doesn’t behave badly as i am there
We split when DD2 was only 3 and they did not bond so this only got worse over a decade
I do not even try to talk her round into liking him anymore either
Forcing D.C. to spend time with someone they can’t stand isn’t good for them and I feel so guilty DD2 went for all that time feeling so unhappy but when she got old enough that he would have no chance in court I supported her stop visiting
Leaving him was the best thing for me and DD2 although DD1 does not feel the same I had to make that choice

My kids are the same with their father. You get out what you put in with kids. Put nothing in, get nothing out. Very sad. Totally understand your situation

At least you already know your DDs will welcome a divorce so no need to worry about how they'll react.

A friend of mine put up with an absolutely dreadful marriage because she thought her four sons really needed their dad. When she finally decided she couldn't take it any longer and, feeling dreadful, told the boys they surrounded her in a lovely group hug saying "What took you so long?"

I don't like my dad. He isn't abusive or anything, but he wasn't very good at engaging with me or my sisters, and when he did I found him really condescending. When I was a teenager he went abroad for 8 months and I thought it was great not having him around!

Now as an adult I rarely speak to him.

Hopefully I will be making a better choice imminently. Doesn't mean I don't worry about the impact on my children of coming from a "broken home". And dh is seen as some sort of super dad by people who don't know better, and years of bullying make me doubt my own judgement.

It’s funny, the ‘coming from a broken home ‘ idea. I asked my dd’s the other day what they felt that coming from a broken home. They said broken home ? What’s that, our home is not broken.

Our situation is that their father and I split up before we hated each other, so we manage to co-parent and despite our differences we work together without too much animosity. He has improved his engagement with his kids enormously, but mine were younger when we split.

The point is that I think of coming from a broken home as this terrible thing I have done to my kids. Actually what they tell me is that having a bad relationship with your ex is what makes broken homes such a problem.

Thanks.

I think I just wanted the happy home for my dads that i never had, and instead it's ended up shit. And so-called 'd' h is always saying how I don't understand normal families, because of my background.

I've already seen a solicitor. It's definitely over. But, as I said, Ihave lost a lot of confidence over the years so that I always doubt myself. And I fear no one will ever believe me, when I try to explain how things have really been. But I know the truth, and my children know the truth, so that will have to be enough.

You don't actually owe anyone an explanation. He is your husband and if you want to divorce him, that's enough. The fact your children can't stand him says volumes. I would just say, "The children and I were unhappy living with him" and if someone has the nerve to ask further I'd say, "Nobody knows what goes on in a family unless they're part of it" and leave it at that.

Thanks for that. You are right. Guess I am just frustrated by the act he puts on for other people - everyone seems to think he's a great guy. I know differently, and so do his children.

And I fear no one will ever believe me, when I try to explain how things have really been. But I know the truth, and my children know the truth, so that will have to be enough.
You don't have to explain or convince anyone else. All you need to respond is that you've tried over the years but that your relationship was no longer working out for you or the children in the current setup.

Anything else is really nobody else's business. You and your children know the truth - and people will, eventually, see how much happier you are without him. Good luck to you and hope the transition to a happier life is as smooth as possible. 🌹