Need other points of view

[duckcar]

The last thread I posted on here a couple of weeks ago was about my DH deleting a text message from a younger colleague and me worrying if there was more to it.

As some of you suggested I kept an eye on it and there have been no more messages from her as far as I'm aware. I certainly know they arent in contact regularly over text as I often see his phone and there hasn't been anything on there.

However due to my spidey senses I asked one of my other colleagues who is friends with the colleague who was texting DH. She said that the girl really fancies my husband and that my husband knows this - and she thought I knew it too ! This has really shocked me as I actually had no idea, I knew she was a bit flirty with him but I just thought she was like this with everyone. Anyway, my colleague says she is often flirting with him in work and they bicker etc. I asked her what she thought of DHs behaviour (she works more closely with him than me) and she said he doesn't really do anything about it, in terms of he doesn't overtly flirt with her but they get on and he doesn't really shut it down either and this is what they've been like for ages.

Now this, coupled with the deleting of the text message and the fact apparently everyone else knew about this, has made me feel really miserable. I asked DH and he said it's nothing and there are no feelings on his part but they have to work together and so he doesn't want to be rude or make it awkward.

What does everyone think? Does that sound reasonable to you? I feel a bit ehh about the whole thing.

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Sounds like you're insecure.

I'd trust him.

He's probably enjoying the flirtation. He could have shut it down out of respect for you, but hasn't. I'm sorry, I'd be upset in this situation as well

Was this the thread where you are recently pregnant and the woman responded out of group chat ? If not apologies !

Anyways I would ask your husband how he would feel if you were behaving like this with another man and everyone knew that some guy was crushing on you and you were basically “going along” with it?
I think it’s disrespectful and it’s up to your DH to say look I don’t feel comfortable when you try to make flirty banter with me, I’m happily married and it’s inappropriate. Job done really , but I have a feeling he won’t do this as he likes his ego being stroked ....

And if he didn’t do it i’d LTB. Sounds dramatic but this is how emotional affairs start.

DuckCar, I commented on your other thread. Although your DH never deletes other texts, he has deleted hers.

They are making a fool of you at your own workplace. He is willing to make you the object of gossip and pity.

She “really fancies” him. He knows. Everyone else (but you) knows.

It’s been going on for ages. By not shutting her down out of respect for you and your marriage, he is encouraging her.

He enjoys this ego-boost, and an inappropriate emotional connection has likely developed. She openly flirts, he allows it, they get on, they bicker. They are messaging outside work, and he deletes. They sound close.

He is minimizing, but lines are being crossed. I absolutely would not tolerate this.

I wouldn't tolerate this either. He should have been clear with her to cut it out! Not only for your relationship but it makes him look unprofessional too and leaves him wide open to a future possible disciplinary issue himself.

Also texts are only 1 way of communicating, are you sure they aren't communicating inappropriately via other apps/methods?

I wouldn't be happy with him at all

I haven't recently been pregnant so no I am not the person in the previous thread PP.

Thanks for your responses. It's not that I don't trust him, in terms of, I'm sure he wouldn't cheat on me. I just feel he should have shut it down if he knows she really fancies him, why is he not totally avoiding her at work? Also why wouldn't he tell me!

I'm not sure how to approach it more with him though - it's difficult for me to insist he has nothing to do with her as they work quite closely together :(

I would ask him firstly why he deletes her messages specifically ? Then he will predicatably say “coz I know how you will react “ and you say “why is that ? Because you know you’re behaviour is disrespectful of our marriage , you need to shut this down or this will have a negative impact on our marriage , do you want that ?”
And then you either agree or you don’t . I’d also ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed .

I’d ultimately desire my partner to look for another job as this “friendship” he has , is a very real threat to your marriage and if he refuses to directly shut her down then there is no other option. See how he responds to that . Reaction is everything .

You are underreacting. Find your anger and refuse to tolerate this disrespect. This is emotional affair territory, if not worse.

He hasn’t told you because he enjoys being chased by OW. He feels entitled to the ego boost. He deflects by saying he doesn’t want to be “rude” to OW, yet he is willing to disregard you in front of her and the other staff.

How to approach it?
“I’ve been told that OW really fancies you and blatantly flirts with you. You are well aware of her feelings and advances, but you have not shut her down. In fact, you banter and bicker with her, encouraging her instead of maintaining appropriate boundaries. Our colleagues are aware. You also text with her outside work and delete the messages. You have hidden all of this from me, which is lying by omission. You say it would be rude and awkward to block OW’s flirtations, yet you are willing to make a mockery of me. I won’t tolerate this disrespect. If you value our marriage, this stops now. Draw a line and maintain professional distance from now on. Tell OW that you are uncomfortable with the flirtatious interaction.”

Or

“I won’t tolerate your making a fool of me. Shut it down now or our marriage is over.”

Personally, if my husband insulted me by saying that he had to collude to disrespect and marginalize me, I would show him the door.