Infactuation, overinvestment, overthinking and self sabotage

[falaff]

Hi everyone. Sorry for the long post but partly need to unload.

I'm back in the world of dating with varying levels of success, as in I am meeting lovely people and have the chance to date them and potentially build a relationship.

I'm struggling with several issues; I'm very aware of them, know they're my problem and that I need to deal with them. I'm exhausted by it.

Firstly I keep self sabotaging - I really put myself down to people or dismiss them based on my suitability for THEM (surely this is their decision to make). I tend do this early on before I get to know someone because I panic about wasting their time and getting feelings for them in case they walk away. I'm a very intense person, sensitive and emotional and get deeply involved with partners. I'm also a bit weird and quirky, have lots of interests and energy.

For example, a few months ago I met a very calm, clever, reserved but quirky guy who I fancied early on. But I massively over analysed it and thought our personalities didn't match. So on the fourth date, I told him that I was too much for him, I wasn't smart enough and I would annoy him in the long term. I panicked and really put myself down. I also worried that he wouldn't be able to keep up with me and ultimately it would end up with me feeling childish in the relationship. We've stayed friends and now I've got to know him when he's being himself he's completely different, extremely lovely and I'm infactuated with him. But we've both friendzoned each other because of my stupid actions. I still hang on his every word and try to see him a lot. We would probably be properly dating had I not completely fucked it up by panicking, putting myself down and trying to work out if he's marriage material after 3 dates :/. What an idiot.

Secondly I also can't seem to stop overinvesting and becoming infactuated very quickly. I have very recently met someone amazing; we've spent a lot of time together in the past 2 weeks despite him being a very busy person and yesterday we slept together for the first time. I feel an intense connection, and so of course I am far down the slippery slope of infactuation and obsession. When he left that night instead of staying (he says he is an introvert and needs to wake up in his own bed which I have tried to understand) I couldn't really deal with it and got a bit upset, despite a normal person being perfectly capable of dealing with this. He also said he wasn't sure what he wanted relationship wise. So now I am sat here feeling crap, scared of getting hurt, wanting to spend every spare minute with this guy yet scared to get further involved.

I fully understand that I am being completely mental and that I sound ridiculous. I get so into people that even after a couple of weeks it's hard for me when it ends because I've already invested when they haven't. I'm the sort of annoying intense person that scares people off by wanting to see them too much; if I like someone I just want to be with them. This also extends to friendships. I know that's ridiculous. I also get really anxious by the whole 'read not replied' message thing. On the positive side I feel that I'm a very good partner and friend and will do anything for the people I care about.

If I try and calm all of this down I end up feeling frustrated and like my needs aren't being met. But normal people do not behave like this in new relationships. It's ridiculous.

This is a core part of my personality and reflected in other areas of my life such as work and friendships. I want to change it. I want to be able to casually date without all of this exhausting emotion and intensity. Am I actually capable of it? Any advice?

I'm trying to get counselling but it's a long waiting list and process so maybe Mumsnet has the answer :P

Thanks for reading all of that!

This book may be of some benefit to you

www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Think-Too-Much/dp/0749924810/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=XHG0KX87UPCD&keywords=women+who+think+too+much&sprefix=Women+who+th%2Caps%2C234&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1556388081&sr=8-1

Overthinking... massive story of my life.

I think the book would help you a lot.

It’s very hard not to overthink or constantly go over things in your mind and it causes stress and anxiety and self doubt which in turn effects your confidence, reasoned thinking and ability to maintain relationships.

Thanks very much. Has anyone else experienced it and dealt with it?

I think most people overthink at times. When overthinking it's usually negative thoughts in our heads, I read somewhere that if you tend to overthink and put thoughts in your own mind, then why not put good thoughts there? The thoughts are not fact anyway, so just try to put good thoughts there instead of bad? Makes sense to me.

You need to focus on the other person. With the best wishes to you I think you sound so self absorbed, it's all about you, how you feel, how you come over to others, trying to second guess someone else's opinion of you. Hope this rings some bells for you because it's all about control, your control x

@falaff I am currently overthinking EVERYTHING!!! Hence why i'm on this thread....

I think we both have a lot of personality traits in common. I have a partner and i over think his every move as well my own. It's so unhealthy and i've learnt that having reassurance helps. The guy who isn't really sure what he wants isn't going to help your anxiety and your overthinking.

Don't feel like your on your own at all because there are millions of people who over think. Me and my partner tend to sit down and talk a lot because in the beginning i was so stressed and overthinking i kept it to myself and would sit and cry for hours but now we talk and things seem a lot better!

I hope everything works out for you! But one thing i tried to live by is: good things come to those that wait. Don't rush into anything to find a rushed romantic connection. x

@canyoufeedthedog I find that really odd that you say that. Having come out of a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship, and often being told by others that I think too much about other peoples' needs and need to put myself first sometimes, it hits a nerve. Just because someone worried about what someone thinks about them doesn't mean they're controlling or it's 'all about them'. Saying it's about control is a pretty harsh comment especially if you've experiences that. This is actually all about me sabotaging stuff for myself because I care too much about their feelings!

I can relate to this. I over think, over analyse and second guess and it's so emotionally draining. I hate it so much and wish I could
Change. It's destroying me as when I get myself anxious about something (always relationship related) it's all I can think about. I don't know what the answer is but wish I did 😞

You don’t sound self absorbed, you sound eaten up with low self esteem, doubting yourself, second guessing your every move and wanting desperately to try and make the right decisions.

You hesitate, you appear needy and or weak and unfortunately that often brings out the worse in other people whether they deliberately behave unkindly towards you or it’s subconscious. I’ve often seen it, good people get walked on.

Thanks Fireman. It's true that I have pretty low self esteem and I think my previous relationship has a lot to answer for too. I was constantly put down for little things that were perfectly normal and part of who I was and now I feel like I have to apologise to people for being me.

I genuinely love making people happy and I know that if I was more relaxed I would do a better job at this... self deprecation isn't attractive. I almost feel like I have to warn them or say my flaws first before they point them out.

Urgh.

Start on the basis that you are a good, kind person and that you are worthy of respect and love.

Feeling confident about yourself won’t happen overnight.

Being a people pleaser isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, it’s when your good nature is used, abused or taken for granted that there is a problem.