I feel responsible for my parents... please help!

[Cloud9889]

After the birth of my first child I Missed having my parents near, they live quite far away and I did not see them very often. After the birth of my second child I encourage them to move closer to us which they did. . We have not always had the best of relationships but I thought things might be better/could improve if I could see them more readily . To cut a long story short they moved to be about 20 minutes from us when my second child was about six months old . I thought I would enjoy having them there and sometimes I do but a lot of the time now I feel an obligation to keep them happy and I feel responsible for them because I wanted them to move . I think it is affecting me as I am starting to feel resentment towards them and then feel guilty for it because I wanted them to move in the first place . My mother especially can be quite cruel with her comments. Towards me and behind other peoples backs .
I just feel like I have to have a good relationship with them now and ignore things they’ve said as it’s my fault they’re here in the first place.
I am not sure what I am looking for here just maybe if someone has been through something similar for is in a similar situation?

You are not responsible for keeping your parents happy, nor did you 'make' them move house. You might have suggested it, but they presumably sold and bought a house/found somewhere to rent or whatever all by themselves. They could have said no.

This sense of obligation you have seems to stem from the legacy of you having not great parents yourself as a child. Were you hoping and against your own experience to the contrary that your parents moving closer to you would now make them step up properly?. You still have some physical distance between you and they, you need to have mental distance between you and they also.

What counselling if any have you had to date and did you find this helpful?.

What you want i.e. a good relationship with them is not ever going to happen simply because neither of them are built that way. Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Would you have tolerated this behaviour also from a friend?.

Do you have siblings, if so how does your mother treat them?. Probably very much the same as you have been if I was to guess; your mother seems to like bad mouthing everyone else around her so I would think they have got a myriad of issues stemming from their childhood also.

I would suggest you read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read "Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride.

Given your parents past behaviour as well, particularly that of your mother, I would be keeping them well away from your children as well. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have in all likelihood not changed fundamentally since that time.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your post.
In answer to your questions.. yes I think I did Think they’re moving would make the step up and secretly I hoped that they would become the parents and grandparents I want them to be . When I was pregnant with my first child I started seeing a counsellor/psychotherapist. I had months of therapy with her both whilst pregnant and when my son was little until he was about six months old. I then had another eight sessions of counselling with a different counsellor as we had moved when my second son was born as I obviously had not talked out all the issues I needed to the first time round . I have not had any counselling since. I have always paid privately for my counselling and I have spent a lot of money on it in the past and it is money that I feel I don’t want to spend now . I have read toxic parents but I am finding it hard to place my parents into a particular category. I have also started looking into books and reading books about narcissistic parents as I am wondering if my mum has these traits. I feel like my mum has got worse towards me as I have got older which in the latest book I am reading seems to be a trait of narcissistic parents but I am still not sure and obviously I want to believe that my parents are good people.
My parents are generally good with my children and if I am honest I think it is a bit extreme to completely remove contact. They do not spend a lot of time with them alone though. I would like to keep contact with my parents in anyway possible even on a superficial level although it does make me sad that I have to do this .
My parents especially my mother were were to my siblings and they were to me growing up. I think my older sister had it particularly bad and never felt wanted. My middle sister has also had many issues with my mother however she can also be very difficult and quite rude to my parents which I think she needs to take responsibility for also. My parents especially my mother were were to my siblings and they were to me growing up. I think my older sister had it particularly bad and never felt wanted. My middle sister has also had many issues with my mother however she can also be very difficult and quite rude to my parents which I think she needs to take responsibility for also I think if you asked my sisters though they would say I was the favourite child growing up but I think that also comes with its downsides as I do not want to be put on a pedestal

Sorry if my reply is a bit jumbled I am dictating into my phone as I am trying to feed my baby!

Were WORSE to my siblings that should read

so the short version is...

you encouraged them to move, now you realise how much you don't like them and you don't know what to do?

I suppose it depends how the move was discussed and so on. If they are doing childcare etc then I guess that will affect how much you ignore certain things they say.

I would agree they moved freely though.

I do talk to one of my sisters about the behaviour of my mother. She mentioned something which struck me as very true the other day… The love I think my mother has is very conditional. I do not feel that the love is unconditional. My dad on the other hand although a difficult person I think does have more unconditional love for us. I do talk to one of my sisters about the behaviour of my mother. She mentioned something which struck me as very true the other day… The love I think my mother has is very conditional. I do not feel that the love is unconditional. My dad on the other hand although a difficult person I think does have more unconditional love for us For example, my mum told me that if I didn’t go to university I would have to move out of the family home, at the time I didn’t want to go but I felt that I had to to please her and I also had nowhere to move to if I had to move out. My dad however said he didn’t mind if I didn’t want to go to university but he has never been the dominant one in the relationship and if I’m honest I have maybe learned to not take his opinions As seriously, It did mean a lot though him saying that. In the end I did go to university but I feel like I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have as I felt almost like I had to go and not so much out of choice