Relationship has gone stale - please help

[AceSmith]

Hi all!

I'm engaged to be married to an amazing guy and I love him with all my heart but I need some advice regarding how to improve it.

I feel like the emotional connection has disappeared and that there is no real showing of love. It began about 3years ago, he just stopped touching me or giving me compliments. I tried asking him what was up and he said work and tired and things like that. At the same time sex pretty much stopped. We have had sex now 6 or 7 times in those three years and it's been rather robotic. We are in our early 30s and I would like to have sex more than 2 times a year. We used to have a lot of sex. He used to want to please me but I literally felt like it was a one way street. At the start, I tried to initiate sex but I just got rejected and it completely knocked my confidence. I started to think that I was disgusting or that he had gone off me and now I have completely given up trying. I have even tried to initiate just doing things to him but again he doesn't seem to want me to. As well as the lack of sex he has become quite emotionally lacking, if I'm ill or sad he doesn't really seem to care that much. He does initiate cuddles and he tells me he loves me a lot but that is literally all. He doesn't touch me at all when we get into bed and will give me a kiss on the lips. I cannot remember the last time if was more than a little kiss on the lips.

Over the last few years I've asked on and off what's going on and he seemed to take my asking as a critique of him which has made me not want to ask. Or he has said that it's work and stress or that it's his weight (he is slightly overweight but in my opinion he looks amazing.)

I guess over the years as a defence mechanism I have become a bit withdrawn because I was just blaming myself all the time, I was ugly or disgusting and that was causing the problems.

Recently I wrote him a letter as we are due to get married in August stating my feelings and how I didn't want us to get to the stage where I actually don't care about trying to fix it and I tried to get his opinion on the situation. I explained that I wasn't blaming him and there are things that we both need to work on and what did he think and all he did was give me a cuddle and tell me he loves me. Nothing has really changed, he touched my leg a few times in the car but I now find myself feeling nervous about physical touch and also I don't want to force him to touch me.

Sorry for the long post! I guess I am asking what should I do? How can I save this?

Thanks

Hi Acesmith all sounds rather bleak from what you have written. I'd cancel the wedding if I were you and/or get some urgent couples counselling. Don't marry someone who isn't into you. This relationship is making you doubt yourself on many levels - that's not a healthy relationship

And you're planning to marry a guy who withholds affection, sex, compliments and who is so emotionally withdrawn that your self esteem is taking a major battering? Seriously?

He sounds very very far from amazing! He's dropping you crumbs by saying he loves you and occasional cuddles and you're hoovering them up like you should be grateful. This 'relationship' doesn't seems stale, it's so far past it's use by date that it's mouldy.

Oh god, you can't marry this man! Seriously, you will end up having a breakdown. He's not amazing at all - he does just enough to keep you there. Please seek help in real life for this.

I know this sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to, but there's something seriously wrong here. He's been disconnected now for about 3 years and it's not improving. Either he's gay or there's an OW. Sorry.

Why would you want to save this at all?. That ship has long since sailed and there is really nothing to save or rescue. Its a relationship that should have finished three years beforehand.

You are still in your early 30s so why are you wasting your life on this man now?. How is this person at all amazing, writing that of him shows me how pathetically low your own relationship bar is. This man is not your last chance at having a relationship. Which brings me to you, what do you get out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You cannot save what is a relationship that has long since stopped being this, he has to want to do his bit too and he does not want to for his own reasons (and those are no reflection on you).

If you have not already done so I would immediately cancel the wedding and completely reassess your whole life with this man.

How did your plans to marry come about? I can't imagine how you would come to be planning to marry if he's so unenthusiastic - I mean, did you say "Shall we get married?" and he replied "Oh, OK, if you want"?

I can see what you are all saying and it makes sense but he is literally my best friend and he makes me laugh and we both enjoy spending time together but it's become more like friends, than anything else. I should also add and I should have in the original post that his mum died suddenly three years ago.

My relationships have been mixed but mostly not great.

The start of this relationship and the first few years were amazing, like a dream relationship! I felt like I was the most important and beautiful person on the planet. I guess I am holding onto that and wanting that back!

No, he did a hugely romantic proposal and it was all very thoughtful. There are occasions when he he like the old way he was.

You have to forget what he was like and focus on what he's like now. He's been like this long enough for him to stay like that. If you knew that he'd be like that for the next few decades, would you still want to marry him? Stop hoping for him to change - he sees no reason to do so.

I'd wonder if he was depressed. Does he have quite a blank expression often? Has he spoken to a doctor?

I'd also consider cancelling the wedding. Whether he's depressed or not, it sounds like he needs to be jolted out of the rut he's dropped into.

Yes I think he is stuck in a rut and I something needs to change, either him or me. I have thought about it and wondered if I would be happy with this in 10years and I guess if I am honest then it's no but I'm really not ready to give up fighting.

I think I am going to have a big conversation with him this weekend and make it clear how I am feeling and that things need to change. I do think he is depressed.

I'm so confused and I guess I am holding onto the past

Go into the discussion remembering that you are not obliged to stay with him (depression, engagement do not affect that), that staying with him may not even be the best thing for him (sometimes we really do need a kick up the backside), and that if you break up, you're pretty likely to find yourself in another 5 years' time with someone you love and a young family. You don't have to accept what he offers as the best you are going to get.

If you go in really, truly prepared to break up if necessary, you'll be in a lot better position to discuss this effectively.

Thank you x

If nothing changes, you marriage will fail. It already sounds miserable. At the very least don't marry him this year. He needs to prove he is prepared to work at the relationship or accept that it's over.

It sounds like it's run it's course to me.

Don't marry this guy.

You'll be miserable for a few more years, but stick it out because you've invested in the marriage, then divorce, anyhow, no better off for having not ended it sooner, but having had to fork out for both wedding and solicitors.

This is the type of marriage where you end up not getting pregnant (because twice a year isn't going to make a baby). That's a deal breaker IF having a family is important to you.
As for the actual relationship itself, it sounds dry and brittle as bones turning to dust.

Break it off, he isn't going to change. He's giving you crumbs. Save yourself further heartache. There needs to be a balance of everything in a relationship and sex is a big part of it. Take the advice of previous posters.

Dying to know what happend?