H left laptop open-dating another woman

[icantbelievewhatijustsaw]

We seperated last year but he has repeatedly talked me into having sex with him since

I told him if he was to meet someone else this must stop. He agreed. He slept with me following arranging a dinner date with her a few days later

I am assuming they know each other very well by the pet names she referred to him by and use of “ Hi my.....” at the start of the email. I didn’t click on it just saw the beginning where he’d left his laptop open.

He was abusive during our relationship, at times physically

I know I am well shot of him but we have 2 DCs with complex needs. I get no respite and have a health condition that is flaring and I am stuck in bed. He is a liar a gaslighter and incapable of empathy.

He has been vile the last two weeks coinciding as I suspected with new relationship and refusing to discuss holiday/BH contact for the year. The children can’t go to school due to health needs/no suitable provision so he says holidays/annual leave are irrelevant as they’re not at school. Youngest DC can wake 4 times a night. I have an older DC in final year at school

I want to rant and rave and tell this woman what a shit he is. I won’t but I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I have been holding it together for the children for so long but feel broken today. I barely slept last night. Before we seperated 1 DC had a breakdown, another had major surgery and a friend died. He didn’t even give me a hug when my friend died. When I told him I kept waking in the night and panicking thinking about what she suffered he said he kept forgetting she had died.

I don’t know how to keep it together. I can’t go to GP for counselling because there’s no one to have the DC. I’m not depressed but I am ill due to a long term health condition. H is only person who can care for the DC but he has to come to the house as he is living over an hour away and both DC get very travel sick and youngest couldn’t cope with being away from home. I don’t trust H not to lose his temper with youngest either, he doesn’t handle his challenging behaviour well if it lasts more than a couple of minutes.

I am hit and sworn at every day by youngest DC, my parents were abusive so I am NC with them. I don’t know how to keep it together when respite is not an option and self care is not easy due to children’s needs. I feel like I am just having more pain and hurt shovelled on me and I’m scared of getting more ill

You need to find some way of breaking your dependency on him. All the time he is in control he will manipulate and abuse you. Can you involve Women's Aid and police DV officer.

Your dc could be cared for by others and should be in school, if only to give you a break and get support, but you need to pressure the LA to facilitate this. Are there any organisations associated with their conditions who could advocate with the LA and Camhs on your behalf? How old are they?

I could try and call women’s aid but youngest DC hits me if he hears me on the phone until I ring off. If he were to find out I have spoken to police he will get very nasty

I spent months trying to get respite. SS repeatedly refused. CAMHS won’t see youngest. Paediatrician won’t review. I waited a year for complex neurodisability. They said CAMHS. CAMHS say they still won’t see and ASD services should. This is nothing more than early help offering sticker charts and rewards/sanctions. DS can’t tolerate unknown adults in the house. It causes extreme violence and I can’t take it. ASD support services say they don’t have specialist knowledge to advise on complex needs. Antipsychotics are not something I am going to put him on despite that being only advice. He is at risk of being put in an ATU and destroyed and me losing rights over him if I were to force him back into school as he just cannot cope

There are no schools that can meet his needs in the area at all. LA have already said they would not agree to a specislist placement and I would have to go to tribunal. To gain evidence I would have to drag him kicking and screaming back to mainstream to “prove” need. He’s suffered enough at the hands of a broken education system. His behaviour has been worse recently due to his father being vile to me in front of him

• he being H in first oaragraph

Younger two are under 10. Home ed was going well, exhausting at times but well until H was really horrible and this combined with everything else triggered relapse (condition is rare and outing so don’t want to say what it is)

Stop sleeping with him for a start

Don’t have him in your house. Meet in public places so you can’t shag. Or get someone round to your house so you aren’t alone with him.

You know what a bastard he is. You don’t deserve to be treated badly by him, you never did. You aren’t his wank-sock, you don’t have to accept sex because he wants to do it.

Accept your intimate relationship is over. Accept that he will always cheat and lie, so you have to take the decision out of his hands. That is the first step to rebuilding your self-respect. Good luck.

I have and won’t again. I never ever thought I would after we split up. I suppose being very isolated and housebound for months until DCs were well enough to go out made things more complicated as I had very little support and human connection other than texts with friends. I knew it was stupid. I am faxing the consequences of that stupidity now

You need help, start with an education place - demand that if the lea/ss/camhs don't find a solution starting at least in September then you will need foster care, this is terribly expensive so should give them the kick they need, during school holidays ask for 10 hours a week respite, this is what my friend gets with just one asd kid so sounds like a good minimum request (might be wise to ask for 15 initially but accept 10). Once this is in place you can sort out the rest of your situation, housing services should put you number 1 on their list (well near enough) you deserve to be able to be away from him. Best wishes, you deserve to be happy

Thanks Barry. Youngest often refuses to go out and other DC has mobility issues so at the moment going out for any length of time is not doable.

Thankfully I have enough self respect to ensure I don’t sleep with him again after seeing the email. He’s humiliated me enough

Thank you stuck.

I just can’t see respite happening. Our county is particularly crap atm for SN-there’s a child with very similar issues and the same dx and I know the family has been waiting well over a year for a carer. No one will do it. I don’t mean to sound defeatist. I spent months battling for help. I’ve had so many doors slammed in my face it’s easier mentally to accept the situation. I just want to be able to offload some of the hurt and pain somehow and forgive myself for being so utterly stupid.

Are there any charities who might be able to offer support and help you chase the services you surely should have? Have you tried your MP?

I'm so sorry, you must be exhausted with it all, and it's no wonder you sought a little comfort with your ex, and he was a bastard to exploit that.

What an awful situation you're in.

Forget your husband for a minute. You can't continue with your child behaving like that. Life must be awful for all of you. Why won't you consider antipsychotics if that's what is recommended? How old is the child that is hitting you?

I agree with pp; why won't you give him the antipsychotics? DH takes them. The medication improved his life (and ours) immeasurably. Before the meds, he "attempted suicide in an impulsive act of rage." (what the doctors called it) He's said he won't stop taking them as he can handle his emotions now and he feels "normal".

ican'tbelievewhatijustsaw, you have my sympathies, but please consider making your son's and the rest of your family's lives easier. You might then be able to get respite care or let him return to school. Please think about this before a tragedy occurs.

And please keep that man out of your bed. You deserve so much better. 💙

I suggest you contact a firm of solicitors, specialising in community care law, such as:

1. Simpson Millar
2. Irwin Mitchell

They can act for DC with SEN on legal aid, assuming DC have no assets nor income except benefits. You would have to pay for the pre-Action protocol letter, but SOS!SEN has an education solicitor working for them - she can write pre-Action protocol letters (although I am not sure if she can for community care law, but you have nothing to lose by asking).

The solicitors can require SS to do an assessment of need for each of the DC with SEN, in a whole family approach - looking at how everybody’s needs impact on each other, including you. We got 40 hours plus care a week for DD in the school holidays; 10 am - 6 pm Monday to Friday. I did not want people in the house before breakfast. We got 8 hours a week (2 carers for 4 hours) so DH and I could go out for 4 hours; more when I had health appointments because they accepted, if I was not there, she needed two carers! They accepted it was too stressful for me to take her out on my own. We wanted overnight respite, but did not want care at night at home. Eventually we got a 52 week specialist school placement at tribunal.

It is not easier mentally to accept the situation, when solicitors can tell you what the law says, as opposed to the LA and they do all the letter writing. LAs do not slam the door in solicitors’ faces for long - or else they take it to the High Court, and LAs do not get legal aid!

Depending on your assets and income, you may qualify for some legal aid for a Tribunal? I suggest you look into it. Simpson Millar also has a franchise for legal aid in education law, or contact SOS!SEN for advice on DCs’ education.

Our DD was out of school twice for 10 months - there was never any talk of an ATU. We got a specialist school both times.

Look into Barnardos for care

@category12 thank you for understanding. There is one charity I can contact who might be able to help signpost me, I am going to put it on my list

Antipsychotics are unlicensed for use in children. The long term effects are not known nor are they known to be safe. Blood tests are needed. DS would not tolerate these. I believe some of DS’s behaviour is as a result of seeing his father treat me like a POS. He has made huge progress since coming out of school-he’s volatile ATM because his father has been being vile to me

I will ask about anxiety meds. Because I’ve been firefighting and I only have one afternoon a week to make calls it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees and consider things clearly, hence posting. I am against SSRIs and antipsychotics for him at the moment. He’s younger than 8. He was bullied badly at school. The aggression is all anxiety based. It often goes with the territory of PDA.

@teafordad. I will do, thanks

@NannyRed, you win the prize for the worst advice on any forum.

@MontStMichel thank you. I think if I could just get a little respite I would be ok. I’m going to look into this. My Dsis said to me this morning you cannot do this by yourself and your H is impossible and cannot be relied upon and that in itself is a huge source of stress. I anticipate him reducing contact with the DCs as his relationship progresses-I have been down this primrose path before with DC1’s father

I’ve actually been in the same situation school wise with 2 of my asd kids.
Firstly if you want them in school ..the lea have to provide one.have you got an ehcp?
I had to do my child’s ehcp while he was out of school.i managed ,I provided the evidence ,wrote it up and sent it of.im just a mum ,so it can be done...it was then refused,so I had to go to tribunal,again a huge amount of effort ,but worth it..we now are in the process of choosing special education for September ..again we also live in an area where there is limited provisions for asd .so my child will be traveling an hour to school in a taxi each day.im not happy ,but he needs an education and a life of his own..none of this is till September and I’ve to cope till then..but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.its about taking one step at a time.
If you haven’t got an ehcp ,that’s your first step to freedom for you and your child..my kids have been out of school a year now..more actually for the older one.its been hell.but you can’t fall apart ,you are all your kids have ,you have to hold it together.
Both your kids need to be in school so you can get your life back..
If you have ehcp already half the battle is won.start looking round all schools an hour away ,residential,private specialists,all of them and go in fighting for what you want.