Is my boyfriend emotionally unavailable?

[chocolateandcocktails001]

I've been away for a couple of days and have been thinking about my relationship. I think my partner may be emotionally unavailable. Here is the relationship in a nutshell:

1. Met online on December 2016. Dated for 6 months. After me asking for commitment, he said he can't commit so we separate. November 2017 he says he does want commitment. We've been back together ever since.
2. We have not met each other's family's or friends. We don't live near each other or our family's and because of schedules anything would be arranged. He's never suggested meeting them and I don't know whether to. My family know about him. His don't even know about me.
3. We both have kids. He sees my son about 1/2 times a week when we see each other. His kids don't live with him. I first met them a year ago. I've met them about 7 times. They are 12 and 14 and don't know I'm his girlfriend. Although he initiated me first meeting them, it's been me who has initiated every other meet up.
4. When I bring up the issue of our relationship and the future he is very evasive. He said he does want commitment which is why we got back together but when I bring it up he is evasive, doesn't answer my questions but seems to manage to say enough to keep me hanging on.
5. He tells me he loves me, we do have quite a bit of text contact but in recent weeks he never asks how I am or how my day is.
6. He talks a lot about his future and thinks he wants to do/ achieve. I'm never mentioned In any of this.
7. He never talks about his feelings or what he wants.
8. Due to my own history of relationships I find it really difficult to talk about how I feel so I don't do this either. I however can have these conversations if they are mutual but just not one way.
9. We see each other 2-3 times per week and have great times together. Sex is good, he is very affectionate, loves kisses and cuddles.

10. On social media he won't have a relationship status. He has tagged me in them before but none this year. I tagged him the other day and he has it set that he has to approve tags to appear on his timeline. He didn't approve it for 2 days so at this point doesn't show up in recent news feed. He regularly posts things that don't include me. 11. This morning I told him by text I'd been awake for hours thinking about our relationship. During the day I've said I feel rubbish and need cuddles and there's been no response or anything.

As I'm writing this down And seeing it in black and white it's becoming clear that this is the case. In the early stages I thought he was just being cautious but now after 18 months I think it's something more and I'm beginning to wonder if this relationship can work. What are people's experiences of emotionally unavailable men?

Yes he is.

He definitely is! Sounds like my ex and he did nothing but fuck my head up the longer I stayed with him

I've dated lots of emotionally unavailable men. Lots and lots. I seem to go for them although I wish I didn't.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you a hug. The only thing I can suggest (and this is important and will help, hopefully) is that emotionally unavailable people are like that because of whatever's going on inside their heads with their issues. It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

It's so hard. I do love him and would love a future with him but it's becoming more and more clear that this isn't going to happen. I really need to speak to him about it but I know he will turn it on me and make out I'm demanding too much or that I should just take things as they come. It's so frustrating as I ended it with him 2 years ago as I could tell things weren't going anywhere but he wanted us to get back together. Whenever I do check that he does want commitment etc he says he does but things just don't seem to progress!!

You know he's just saying enough to keep you around, but not actually stepping it up. Time to call it quits.

You need to both spell out exactly what you want from the relationship and whether you’re both on the same page for future timelines.
If it’s the right relationship for you then it shouldn’t be a difficult conversation and you’ll both be open to a bit of compromise. If it turns into an argument where he gets defensive and continues to be vague with you then i’d suggest walking away and not wasting more time with him

You have emotional needs. It's perfectly reasonable to! If he can't meet them, or if he's unwilling to, then you can't have a healthy relationship with him. It's very easy for me to write that but I know how difficult it is in practice it is to let go to someone you love.

Sometimes I think the term "emotionally unavailable" is used when we are too forgiving of someone that is stringing us along and won't commit. I've been there myself in the past but he was just using me for what he could get as he didn't love me or want me long term.

I don't completely understand what it means and why some people are emotionally unavailable but I know my brothers fits into the category!! I don't know if he's emotionally unavailable because he's scared of commitment or scared of commitment because he's emotionally unavailable!!

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is ‘just the way he is’.

He’d be available for the right woman.

He’d be available for the right woman

I don't think you can know that from the info in this thread. It's possible, sure. But some people just are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes it's because of ASD, for example - and that's never going to change for the right woman. (Not saying all ASD people are emotionally unavailable, but some are).

It's unlikely he's ever going to change, so you have a difficult decision on your hands, don't you?

Do you know why he split with the mother of his dc?

No I don't even really know why he split from his ex wife. I've asked him before but he didn't give me a straight answer. He's alluded to it being about her but never actually told me!! I know this is a warning sign!!

I don't think it is me. I think he would be like this with any woman. I think in some ways in his head he does want more but just can't let himself go there which is why things go so far then I'm pushed away.

I just can't work him out as I've suggested us meeting up today with the kids thinking he'd bail as he wants to keep me at arms length but he hasn't and is planning on bringing the kids to mine for tea and a film!! This is what confuses me as!!

I think this sort of thing must be very bad for your mental health. He's telling you one thing but behaving completely differently. I would give up on him and find someone able to emotionally connect and commit and basically just be bloody normal.