What should I make of this?

[Valdo77]

My wife and I separated around 12 months ago but lived together until couple of months ago.

I didn't want the relationship to end but she was adamant we'd never be together sexually again. So I bought my own house, wanting to get on with life.

At several times throughout the process of buying my house she questioned why I was moving out, why couldn't we stay living together (separate rooms).

Since I have we seem to be getting on better than ever, we are closer and arguably spending more time together than when lived in same house.

We eat together most days (sometimes her house, sometimes mine), she regularly asks me to stopover at her house so once kids in bed sit share bottle of wine, watch a film, etc. And lots of other small stuff in terms of lots of messages, talking, seeking my opinion and support etc.

At first I thought for benefit of our children (8 and 3) or because she felt bit sorry for me having to be in a new house. But she has admitted that she misses my company and enjoys being with me.

We've just come back off a family trip to Chicago (booked before I moved out but had been separated many months) and now she's making plans for more holidays, maybe even as far ahead as next year!

I love her so much and wish we could be together again. And she knows this, I've never hidden this.

We're not having a physical relationship but we are still very much emotionally together it feels, maybe now more than for long time.

I want to believe we are growing together again but she's told me so many times in the last 12 months that we'll never be together like that again. My head tells me one thing but my heart another.

In some respects it's a model separation (since I moved out) but it has friends and family and scratching their heads, me too a lot of the time as we are together so much of the time.

Some have said she doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either so she's keeping me close enough so I won't move on. Probably because I still love her and want to think the best of her I struggle to think this is intentional because it would make her selfish and maybe even a bit cruel because she knows how hard I have found coming to terms with the end of our relationship and I'm trying to move on but she keeps pulling me in, while of course keeping me at arms length.

Thoughts?

Hi ....did she ever give a reason for not wanting to be sexual with you....is it just you or anyone?
If its just you then i think she's using you
She wants all the comforts and benefits of a relationship but no intimacy and she knows you will take anything she offers on her terms
which is fine if your happy with that

She doesn't want you sexually but by keeping you dangling you will never look for anyone else will you ?

again if your happy with that that's fine
How would you feel if one day she turns around and says we can't spend too much time together anymore because I met somebody else
personally I would cut back on being available for her be available for the children and certainly do family stuff together but when the kids are in bed go home, otherwise you will go mad wondering and hoping if one night she will change her mind.
.btw she wont

It sounds as if she's using you. She doesn't want you as a lover anymore but she knows you will put up with the scraps you're getting. Sorry this is happening to you. It must be horrible.

I'd back right off and see what happens. Strike out on your own. You'll either be able to start building your new single life or she'll realize what she's losing, though I wouldn't bet on the second option.

She is playing a very selfish game. She doesn't want you yet she does. She's withholding sex but expects you to always be around. I don't think so! She can't have it both ways. Why won't she have a sexual relationship with you?

The sexual side of our relationship ended because she said that she didn't find me attractive anymore, she loved me but wasn't in love with me, etc. For too long she didn't say anything, if she'd have told me (or if I'd seen the signs that, looking back, are blindingly obvious) maybe we could have rescued things but it was like that for years.

I'm not happy with this; I want to make her happy but no I'm not getting what I want out of things clearly and it does drive me crazy that's for sure 😣

Your marriage is over and you need to start acting like it even if she won't. No more meals together in your old home. No more wine and watching movies. No more trips. Do EVERYTHING humanly possible to see your children as much as possible, and at a minimum speak to them on the phone every day, but you must make very clear boundaries with your ex. Stop playing along with her games. It's time to move on.

It kind of sounds like she is trying to continue the relationship with you despite your clear message that you need the intimacy side of it.
I really feel for you as it sounds incredibly painful but I wouldn’t be able to remain in a relationship where there is no sex/intimacy. I would suggest taking a step back and actually separating from her as it sounds very much like you’re still together.
Also please consider how confusing this is for your children; is this the example you want to demonstrate to them for their future adult relationships?

She is using you. All this will stop once she meets someone new and where will you be then?

Sounds like she loves you as a friend and wants to have you in her life in that way but it isn't fair of her to expect that of you when you are in love with her and won't be able to move on because you're still basically with her and always hoping for more

I could have been you. Almost was. But the lack of affection and intimacy I found way too damaging so I chose to withdraw instead (not an easy decision as I still loved my wife very much).

Whilst you are still enmeshed with your wife to this degree, moving on is going to be impossible. And moving on is what you really need to do, trust me. Once my marriage broke up, I thought I was done with relationships.... but of course, looking back that's just not true and believe me you have the rest of your life in front of you and the possibilities are endless. So I'd advise you, as did @user1493413286, to step back whilst still keeping the children a priority.... if you're anything like me the current status quo will be doing nothing for your self-esteem, and in time you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking of.

She wants a best mate not a husband. Sorry OP. When she meets a man to whom she’s sexually attracted, she’ll start to withdraw from you.

She's being incredibly selfish...doesn't want you but doesn't want to allow you the freedom to move on.

Obviously as others have said see the children as much as possible but stop spending time with her and certainly no more holidays.

I'm afraid you are putting your life on hold indefinitely for the sake of a lost cause.

I think you know what you have to do.

I agree with others that she feels vunerable so wants familiarity at present but will drop you like a hot potato as soon as she finds someone she's attracted to.

Moving out was the first time she'd seen your balls for a long time, I'm guessing. Now she's scared you'll find a new woman - or new women.

You need to watch Crazy Stupid Love. It's all about a man in this exact situation (it's a great film):

Stop going round so often and stop having her at your place so often.

It looks to me like she wanted you to remain in a sexless marriage.

You need to start detaching emotionally from her, as she's keeping you dangling.

Start moving on and shake emotionally ties, or a future GF will not happily tolerate this kind of closeness and she'll think there's still something going on with you and your wife.

Yeah... and tell her you're not up for a family holiday next year.

In fact by that time you'll have been seperated 2 years and can file for divorce... I bet that shocks her.

Take a firm approach of moving on and stop allowing her to control everything.

Don't be under any illusions she'll ever want you again. She's made that crystal clear.

She is lonely and using you. Start creating a life for you now.

Thanks for comments, can't lie that my ❤ was hoping you would say deep down ahe wants to be with me but is scared, worried, etc. but my head knew that wasn't the case and as hard as it might be, I know what I need to do 👍

OP, nobody in a loving relationship would put you through what she has.

She sounds manipulative