A long vent but need to get it off my chest

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Wasn’t sure whether to post here or AIBU but I generally find people a little kinder here.

So for background, My husband and I are going through some pretty serious marriage problems at the moment. We’re just about clinging on but we’re having counselling and it’s fair to say things could go either way but we are both committed to working on things.

We have three DC aged 10, 6 and 10 months. MIL is a good person and I get on fine with her but I do find her quite overbearing at times, intense and quite demanding of our time and she wants to see her grandchildren (our DC are her only GC) a lot more often than is feasible when they live 2 hours away. Recently, due to our problems we’ve been needing a bit more privacy and space. PIL know we’re having problems and know we’re having counselling but don’t know any more details than that. But we keep getting comments from MIL that she’s upset that she’s not seeing us as often as she’d like and wants to see the children more. Admittedly they haven’t been to stay with us recently because I don’t want guests in such a strained atmosphere, and we haven’t been to stay with them as the thought of playing happy families in someone else’s home does not appeal. However, we’ve met up with them for the odd day and last week DH took the day off work to take all the kids down to see them without me. Apparently she spent most of that day complaining that she never gets to see them rather than actually enjoying the time she was having with them there and then.

I’m getting really annoyed with it. She seems to think we should be prioritising her time with the GC at a time when we are fighting for our marriage and our family. I’ve suggested that DH takes the older two down to theirs for a weekend but apparently this isn’t good enough as she wants to see the baby. But the baby is still breastfeeding so it’s not possible. They’ve also said they could have the kids for the whole weekend to give DH and I some ‘couple time’ but because they don’t know the details of our problems it’s difficult to explain that their son has done one hell of a lot of damage to our marriage and our family and I don’t want a romantic weekend with him...I just want space for us to be a family and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild some bridges. A weekend together feels like too much pressure...and also the baby is still breastfeeding.

Last weekend we had a lovely weekend away. It was so nice to be away from our home, relaxed and just being together. It was the best time we’ve had together in a while. We’ve decided to do similar for the long weekend and we’re going to a really special place that DH and I used to go together well before we had children in an effort to reconnect...and it’s about an hour away from where PIL live. DH mentioned our plans to them and now they’ve suggested they come and join us for a day. DH told them he’d have a word with me. I’m so f*ed off. I don’t want them there. It’s awkward when they are treading on eggshells around us and asking how the counselling is going. I don’t want it on our weekend of trying to reconnect and remind ourselves of why we are together. But he’s put me in a position where I’ll look really arsy if I say no.

Is it too much to ask that they just back off while we try and fight for our marriage? I know they want to see the kids and the problem is MIL has nothing else in her life, no hobbies etc but this is more important and I just want them to leave us alone for a bit. Am I being unreasonable? Perhaps I am...

To clarify, last weekend and the weekend we have planned next weekend is with the DC - family weekend not just the two of us.

Are you all going in the long weekend away .?

Ah cross post....

Tell them no.
Tell DH to tell them no.

Well coild you drop in on the way home ?
If not then just get husband to explain that’s its a time for just your little family and that he will arranged something as soon as things are more settled to include them...picnic half way maybe ?

"bottom line dh, what's more important right now, your relationship with your dm or your marriage?"
Spell it out!!
Text mil that unfortunately at this time you are concentrating on your own family but will keep her updated on the dc until things get better. Obviously your sackless dh won't tell her so you need to. Do not worry about upsetting her. She is a selfish bint.

You’re not being unreasonable and your DH should have refused and not put the responsibility for turning them down on you. Your priority is your marriage and your family. Try not to dwell on their feelings. Tell your husband to tell them no way

Id stop protecting him. If he cheated and they do not know that, tell them why; '"couple time" is appropriate but space is, if you are to recalibrate as a family.

You are shouldering too many layers of knowledge and the dynamics sound exhausting.

Just tell him to say no.

Yes forget offending them. It is about your marriage and family above all else. Get him to tell them you need a weekend alone with the kids . X

Your husband needs to be blunt with them and say you need this time to yourselves (with children). He should point out she'll see a lot less of her grandchildren if you aren't able to work your way through this.

He just needs to say no .. it’s time with you & the kids to work on your relationship.. he has to tell her you all need space and understanding during this time .. i reiterate HE needs to do this .. best wishes OP🌷

It sounds as if your MIL has no idea just how tenuous your marriage is at the moment. If you don't want to tell her, I perfectly understand but unless you do she'll go on thinking you're being unreasonable.

Not sure what to advise. I guess your DH needs to tackle her, make her see that things are on a knife edge and that her time with her DGC can't be a priority ATM.

Is yours or DH's relationship with her good enough that you could say to her that she's putting more pressure on you both at a time when you really can't cope with anything else? Would she listen? Whatever tack you take with her you and DH need to be on the same page, him telling her to speak to you about the weekend was passing the buck and you need to be backing each other up instead. Does DH agree with/see the need for the space from MIL you're asking for or is he not really on board?

I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. I think the thing that is weighing on her mind is that they are going on an extended holiday soon to see their other son and they want to see the kids before they go. But that was what last week was meant to be...but she spent most of the time moaning about not seeing them enough??! I will tell DH to tell them no.

Be brave. Be strong and get your husband to tell them that on this occasion it is a 'no'.

Also (being presumptuous here) if he has cheated on you and your children they should know. You don't have to tell your parents but if they know their precious baby is in the wrong you will gain power.

I also vote no. Your husband also needs to not put it into you

He hasn’t cheated. DC3 was planned but he changed his mind about having another child when I was well into my pregnancy. He then turned his back on me when I needed him most and pretty much rejected our baby when she was born and chose ‘escapism’ and booze while I was left looking after our three children by myself.

Thanks. Reading all these messages and really appreciate the responses.

No wonder you need time to see if things can be rebuilt, that must've been awful for you I think you need to tell DH really clearly how things need to be right now with regard to seeing wider family and make it his job to deal with it and ensure you don't have to worry about fending MIL or anyone else off. It's the least he can do frankly.

for you, OP

You are being completely reasonable . DH needs to tell him mum no can do. He needs to focus on you. MIL sounds v overbearing. Good luck - hope it works out for you