For you ladies returning to the dating scene after a divorce – a narcissist lesson to learn: Taking into account my (terrible and abusive ) romantic history you would think I would have learned… but no it’s clear from recent events I have not learned anything from my past and certainly haven’t yet healed my deep wounds left over from my own very toxic marriage. This is the only lesson I can take from what has just happened now as I sit here typing this……. I hope you read this and learn something from it too….
Unfortunately, I very recently ‘reconnected’ with an old boyfriend whom I will name ‘J’ over Facebook (together approx. 15 years ago) – we messaged long distance as he is now living in London. In part due to our past history/age difference and distance, I had had no intention of moving it on to something more in the beginning other than close friendship after my terrible marriage and divorce. Over the years J had been attempting to communicate with me but I had ignored these as I had been married at the time, although throughout I could see at times his apparently amazing and exotic new life via Facebook as he moved with the elite throughout the world (I wasn’t impressed as such but rather pleased for him). I thought after having a horrendous marriage to a covert narcissist and well aware of the red flags of narcissism (both overt and covert) after 3 years of intense book reading and counselling, I would be fully versed to realise another narcissistic ‘attack’ and being ‘hoovered’ back up (narcissistic term).
J and I messaged for approx. 5 months and over this time I got sucked into the vortex further day by day – he blasted me with a whole load of daily amazing statements about my being wonderful, beautiful, an angelic sublime being, his ‘gold standard’ of love who had taught him how to love and be loved (he was a few years younger than me when we dated and I had adored him totally both physically, sexually and intellectually); he said I had been a major love of his life who had left an indelible in-print on his soul which is why he had never wanted to give up on me and our fated-connection over the 15 years apart…. blah blah blah blah etc etc etc. He apparently had become a very wise man over the years ‘and had learned many lessons through his suffering and now lived by the Buddhist mantra ‘do no harm’… etc etc. He even had some beautiful cats who were his ‘babies’.
We ended up messaging daily and I became very very attached to his long messages and it has to be said after years of a terrible marriage of being ignored and verbally and emotionally mentally abused, ‘his non-stop flattery’…. It all felt both exciting and yet safe since we weren’t strangers – right?
He is a highly intelligent man, with a huge depth of knowledge and his messages were very stimulating; of course what I now know these long messages (and live messaging) were ‘tailor made’ exactly for me and my tastes – his photographic memory recalled every single love, like and interest I have/I had, from the tiniest detail including my pleasure points (yes scary I now realise). His high-powered job had taken him all over the world and he was now very ‘sophisticated’ moving in fabulous circles in London with the elite and famous – as he said himself a number of times, he now had a ‘fabulous life’ and I was seeing him at the ‘best time of his life’ and he couldn’t be happier; I even said I was very proud of him for turning his previously difficult life around and achieving so much success in his specialist field…. All this London fabulousness was a very long way away from our humble relationship beginnings which he told me repeatedly still held so much affection for him and with lots of ‘beautiful’ memories still retained. I must admit I did feel a little troubled when he talked about the numerous women in his past he had had in his life as he seemed intent on ensuring that I was fully aware of how fabulous, powerful, beautiful and exotic these had all been but alas they had not worked out… usually ending in some traumatic and very dramatic way – but I ignored these red flags…. He told me he wasn’t with anyone from the very beginning of our messaging, and so I accepted that he was most likely living the London bachelor life but since I could not have a relationship with him this was none of my business – friendship means friendship and I felt a strange sense of ‘emotional safeness’.
Over the months his messages became more romantic and sexually charged, more sexually flattering although never pornographic. I still maintained that we would only ever be friends but I was flattered after my terrible marriage. I had therefore never intended on meeting up with J but this is what happened and now in hind sight I can see why it did taking into account the elements that now were at play – unknown to myself at the time. After a virtually sexless marriage and certainly for the last 2 years of the marriage, I was feeling very sexually frustrated, sexually lonely and wanted a ‘connection’ and physical contact finally, with someone I really liked and whom I thought still held affection for me (I don’t ‘do’ one night stands - unfortunately). I made the decision if I was to lose my ‘post-marriage/divorce virginity’ again J would be the perfect person who would never intentionally hurt me or make me feel bad about myself whatever happened. It still didn’t in my mind clash with the view that this would change our relationship …. But we had a weekend together and I now regret it totally.
To sum up, something was completely off with J – he was verbally still entertaining, amazing and stimulating (including his kisses) but for everything else my beliefs that we would return to the chemistry we had enjoyed before was totally misguided - it was a disaster and instead of leaving me feeling on top of the world I came away feeling very low, distinctly un-adored and so very very confused. Whilst my ex-husband had been a covert narcissist, the feelings I got from J and the emptiness physically and spiritually when we were together in bed felt exactly the same as my ex-husband’s physical contact (now clearly emotionally dysfunctional). J was like a robot and completely devoid of any sexual-emotional intimacy – now I realise why but at the time it had shocked me (he had promised me a tantric connection, soul healing and in effect sexual fireworks none of which were even attempted (hadn’t he practiced with the tantric teachers whilst working in the USA?? or so he had told me). And yet I had given him my all for that weekend; had adored every inch of his body as I had always done (without return, to my confusion) – given him fun and affection in homage to our past relationship ... I couldn’t understand it at all. On the morning of our goodbyes he kissed me with such passion and looked at me with such sweetness, was so talkative and entertaining I had absolutely no inkling of what was about to happen….. his acting in hindsight was truly astounding…. Later that night he text me he had ‘enjoyed an amazing weekend… thank you darling’.
Suffice to say within a day of our meet up J’s normal daily messaging just ceased completely. I waited and waited with increasing confusion feeling totally bereft and abandoned – the feeling shocked me. After over a week of waiting I finally contacted him for an explanation – he was only slightly apologetic ‘he had been ill …. Too ill to text or message’…blah blah blah… Then he dropped the bombshell and I quote: In life it’s important to remain upbeat and positive. I struggle with this at times myself and it’s a battle I have with my mind and not associated with any other living soul. Please do not read too much into anything and just try to focus on being happy yourself on a day to day basis’. Thereby ridding himself of any accountability or guilt in one swoop. I made it clear I would revert back to being just a ‘friend’ again with no more meet ups and reduced comms. The messaging dragged out for another few weeks with increasing infrequency, his being humiliatingly small and benign; when I told him I was having a major trauma due to my divorce I heard nothing back at all…. and I have left it ever since.
Now looking over the messaging/our past relationship and reconnection, I began to realise with real horror and shame, he had clearly been a fledgling narcissist when we had first met 15 years ago, and now he has due to his intelligence and high powered director job (plus the amazing vegan gym obsessed body) become a fully-fledged professional overt narcissist and ‘player of women’ (god knows how many thousands over the years hence his absolute absence of sexual-emotional intimacy). I have since our cessation, looked over his messages and dug a bit deeper into the life stories he has told me. I now realise he has told me numerous fundamental lies which would ultimately prevent me from contacting him at work, at his London home or via his family in the North. He is at the top of his profession as a director but not for the company he said he worked for nor in the area of London he told me he worked in (LinkedIn is very useful but why didn’t I check properly earlier??). Neither is his family’s Northern home where he said it was (lies told 15 years ago). All are lies he told me very very early on this time which is scary since he clearly knew he would PLAY me from the very beginning then had a plan to drop me; he refused to give me his address afterwards so I don’t even know if he lives with someone or has a proper girlfriend…. His ‘life stories’ have numerous other holes in them I have now found.
On reconnection, I thought he was just a vain man who had been very unlucky in love, who was both eccentric and stimulating intellectually but incapable of deliberately hurting me etc. He had said the sweetest things early on that made me feel supported and understood. When I got the increasing niggling feeling of there being a ‘script’ on his part, I ignored the flags believing I was safe just being a ‘friend’…. Now I can see how I was completely sucked in and I am shocked that I fell for it. I am shocked that he did not treat me as a friend during that time but had intended from the very beginning to ‘play’ me as a romantic narc supply. I also now firmly believe he ONLY reconnected with me to show me that he had a fabulous life and was professionally extremely successful (financially anyway) and to get his revenge for my breaking off our relationship all those years ago. I think his plan was to show me how amazing he was, how amazing his face and body still was (he has the stats of a 20year old he told me/and now I realise facial surgery/cosmetic implants/cosmetic fillers/botox has maintained his looks yet he is only 40!).
I have to face the fact my first experience of post-divorce romance has failed the NARC test and I am astounded with myself. I have now completely recalculated my previous relationship with J and how I view him as a person. I now know he was/is a deeply troubled and dysfunctional individual – his fabulous London ‘personal’ life is a complete sham/mess and the only thing he apparently wants is narc supply – the most beautiful, the richest, the most successful – but only to shine a light on him… His pursuit of ‘it’ and female perfection is apparently never ending to fill the bottomless void in his heart, soul and self-esteem clearly formed due to his chronically abusive childhood (a story he told as he had wept in my arms and possibly the only truth he has ever told me). Now I do not view him as successful in his life at all but a ‘professional predator & player of women’ who will never have any peace or true love, ultimately avoided for his deadly narcissist toxicity, chronic lying and acting. I also wonder how many adoring victims/women he has pushed to the mental and emotional brink throughout these years of narc behaviour – women who were beautiful, successful, high status – dumped for the next fabulous person and so on and so on. I am moving on now but it has taken 3 months to exorcise him out of my thoughts which cycled continually after he dropped me… my brain and soul were very distressed continually attempting to work out what on earth had happened and actually grieving the loss of my ‘perfect yet now obviously sham friend’ who transpired to be a narcissist-wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I can only say this has proven to be another life lesson I don’t wish to repeat ever again. I doubt I will hear from Director J again but I am now on my guard as I start my new life again – more keenly aware of other men and other narcissists who are also wolves in sheep’s clothing (supposedly dating sites are magnets for narcissist men). Please take heed (especially if you are fabulous and also live in London ;) – sometimes when we think we are at our strongest as I did (as survivors of abuse) we are in actuality, at our weakest and most vulnerable.