Is anyone still damaged years later from abusive relationship?

[CheeseIsEverything]

I was in a quite severely emotionally (and occasionally physical) abusive relationship for some years. I ended up fleeing with my suitcase whilst he was at work and have not looked back since.

Now, years later I am with a wonderful man, we're engaged and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I feel like I'm okay and then I have these moments where I realise I'm still scarred from what happened to me.

For example, my friend has asked if I'll meet for a couple of drinks tomorrow and my first thought was to be absolutely terrified of asking DP if it was okay for me to go. Even though logically I know he won't bat an eyelid and will probably say why am I asking his permission! I'm so nervous about telling him as it's the kind of thing that got me into a lot of trouble before that I'm thinking of saying I can't go.

I hate that my ex could have this much control over my reactions and emotions still!

Does anyone else still feel like this despite how much time has passed?

Yes. I'm over a decade free from XHs abuse, and have been with DP for nearly 8 years (and he's bloody wonderful!) yet my default is always to believe I'm shit, I'm failing, I'm worthless and unlovable because of all the damage XH did. Despite DP telling me daily how wonderful, capable, worthy of love and valued I am and that he loves me, I still have that niggling doubt that I really am shit and XH was right.

Bruises, cuts and bones heal. The mental damage takes a lot longer.

Sorry I don't have any advice, just a shitload of solidarity.

Bruises, cuts and bones heal. The mental damage takes a lot longer

Thanks, yes I absolutely agree with this.

I do genuinely believe (in my case) that the emotional side of it was worse than the physical.

I go for ages without thinking anything about it and then one situation will set me off and I feel pathetic again!

I could have written your last post, it comes from bloody nowhere doesn't it?

Despite healthy relationships, despite love and a good man, those awful thoughts creep in uninvited and they're awful!

I wonder if it's that we were so "well trained" (for want of a better phrase) to be compliant and not to rock the boat that it's become embedded somewhere.

Whatever it is, those thoughts are wrong, and deep down we know they're wrong. I think it's just easier to believe criticism of yourself than compliments.

Yep! It's really scary.

Like I don't know whether I'm feeling worried because maybe it isn't okay for me to go out with such short notice or whether it's emotional damage from my ex and it's a non issue for most normal couple's.

I don't have any confidence in my own views on what is right and wrong sometimes.

I get that completely.

I still get a twinge of panic when I'm asked to do something at short notice. Even though I know fine if I said to DP "are we/you busy tonight or could you stay in with the bairns while I go out?" his response (unless he was working) would be "see you when you get home, love you".

Also totally get not having confidence in your own views, I get that too.

Now that I'm writing all this down I'm wondering if the Freedom Programme would help us? I know women who've done it immediately after leaving abuse and it's really benefitted them. But the premise is breaking down abusive behaviour and explaining it, and what effect it has. So surely that could help to untrain the negatives?

Like you op I was in an abusive relationship and am now married to an amazing man. It’s affected me differently to how it has you, because my experiences with my ex were different to yours but I catch myself being nervous of all sorts of situations with my husband and he doesn’t understand why i feel as I feel.

It was only just seeing this thread that I’m actually connecting it with the abuse I put up with, so this is really interesting to me. I think how you are feeling and acting is totally normal. Maybe it would help, every time you feel uneasy, to acknowledge to yourself that it’s the result of the abuse. I wish you well

Yes.

Think of it as everything you do is a giant FUCK YOU ARSEHOLE.

You ask, even though you're nervous (and don't actually need to ask anyway), your fiance says yes without blinking, you go out and have a lovely time.

For the first time in years, I went out about a month ago with an ex colleague after an event. I'd told DP about it and he'd made some comment about it being too late to go out. But it wasn't a don't go, it was a 'won't the pub be closed by the time you finish?'. When I finally got a missed call on my phone, I briefly thought 'Am I in trouble?' but didn't answer it.

He was actually checking whether I wanted him to come round and meet me if I was too tired pissed to walk the 250 yards home.

I went home, the front door burst open with me, happy, warbling 'HELLOOO!', he laughed, called me a twat and helped me up to bed.

One thing that still affects me is the phone. It was an instrument used to track me, I was bullied, threatened, woken in the early hours repeatedly, humiliated by being put on speaker while he slagged me off to his pals, I was forced to phone my friends and made to say horrible, nasty things, it was checked, taken off me and on and on.
Even 8 years later, sometimes, my stomach turns over and my throat tightens up when a phone rings.
I hate feeling anxious and scared again.
I don't know what the answer is, I guess I learned survival so well that the habit of alertness, awareness and being on guard is still there.
It is getting better though.
Enjoy your night out!

Oh god yes - more than five years free from a five year abusive relationship, now married to a lovely man, but I still get nervous about talking about male colleagues, saying I want to go out after work, and doing things at weekends with friends. It's not just my marriage either - there was a temp working for me for a few months, and her demeanour and attitude was so reminiscent of my ex that I shrank around her and I couldn't deal with it. Fortunately I could tell my manager and she helped me through it. Therapy is on the cards to help me deal with this - I've always thought I'd need it at some point, but it's been so awesome having a happy life again that I've been avoiding trawling through that time and dragging it back up, but I definitely need it.

Enjoy your night @CheeseIsEverything you are very much not alone

Probably. 35 years and counting....

Yes
I don't trust any men anymore I'm sure good ones exist but they're as rare as unicorn farts. In my head they all cheat in the end so I don't have relationships I use them before they can use me.
I hate that I feel this way it's self preservation

Sure. If something twings one of your risk identifiers, it's going to go off.

Have you had any therapy for PTSD?