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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel he hasn't learned anything

14 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 26/04/2019 17:33

NC with STBEH for more than a year (apart from funerals, big family illnesses etc). He is not the father of my DC and we are now in different countries.

I have delayed on starting divorce because of him losing 2 close family members in the last year, and his alcoholism (didn't want to push him over the edge). I was just waiting.

Contacted him yesterday about starting divorce and I just got rathet upset as he has found someone else, and is still drinking heavily.

I don't know why I am posting really - I am not jealous at all, and the DC and I are calm and happy and much better without him.

It's just from our conversation it's obvious that he has learned nothing about himself or his drinking. He still refuses to believe that he is an abusive aggressive drunk who urinates and defecates on himself, who is spiteful and nasty.

He's still convinced that I am a joyless nag who wants to deny him a few drinks to wind down.

I have searched my soul, and no, it's not that I want to be proved right or have the last word, it's really not. I don't want him to take all the blame in that way.

I suppose I just want him to recognise that it's his drinking that got us to this point.

He's had more than a year to think.

Maybe I am angry that he has moved on and is repeating the same behaviour?
That he didn't love me enough to stop drinking?

Sorry, just wanted to get that out.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 26/04/2019 17:36

He hadn't moved on though has he. He's still an alcoholic. Life with him wou still be crap. Start proceedings so you are free to live the dabu4life you deserve 💐

HellonHeels · 26/04/2019 17:36

His primary relationship is with alcohol. He's probably incapable of loving anyone more than he wants to drink. Sorry OP i know it must hurt but be glad he is no longer your problem.

MitziK · 26/04/2019 17:46

He'll probably be screaming at his latest victim that she's a joyless hag and you were absolutely fucking perfect within a few months - probably when she's pissed off at the stench emanating from him and won't give him any money.

Original poster

chatnicknameyousuggested · 26/04/2019 17:53

Maybe part of me wants him to do that, MitziK? I really don't know.

I am not perfect or beautiful but I live in a lovely place, have a very good job and with me, he saw and did so many different things. The countryside, food, simple little things that he loved.
In the UK he goes to the pub, drinks himself unconcious in front of the TV or falls asleep on a friend's couch and wakes up in his own urine.
He has told his family he left me because I am mentally ill (I am not). They are very nice people and I just feel it's so unfair.
Am I whining?

OP posts:

GloriousGoosebumps · 26/04/2019 18:10

Presumably his family have noticed that he's an alcoholic and that will put his comments about you into context. If they've also seen him being aggressive and abusive they probably think you must have been a saint to put up with him.

Original poster

chatnicknameyousuggested · 26/04/2019 18:16

That's the thing: he says nobody else ever complained, that I pushed him to it.
He's only ever been aggressive to me because I nag etc.
His family must know, surely? To what extent it caused our divorce, I don't know.
Sooner or later, unless his new gf is a drunk, surely she will notice?

OP posts:

MitziK · 26/04/2019 18:41

They'll know he's lying.

Unfortunately, he is an alcoholic cunt. That won't ever change.

So fuck being nice or kind to him, get rid legally as well as practically, never mind any histrionics or aggression, get properly rid so you are free of the alcoholic cunt. The nice bits were only there to make sure you kept the alcohol and comfort going. The shit and piss soaked prick is the real person.

You are free now. Get the divorce stuff done and you'll be completely free forever.

GloriousGoosebumps · 26/04/2019 18:44

He's obviously created a narrative he can live with - in which he is the victim but there's no way that his family and new girlfriend can fail to notice he's an alcoholic. The new girlfriend probably thinks she can save him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 19:02

He can control what he says about himself - and you - to others but he can't control what others think about him. People will draw their own conclusions. And they're probably thinking he's an unpleasant drunk.

When you were with him you saw his disgusting behaviour behind closed doors but he could conceal it from others. Now his new partner will be in your shoes, with the piss, shit, etc. She may believe she can save him but that won't last.

It was a bit daft of you to think he'd learn anything. Drinking alcoholics seldom learn anything. They just stagnate. I should know. I used to be one.

Try not to think about him. Just be glad you're shot of him.

pointythings · 26/04/2019 19:11

My lovely, this is what alcoholics do. They have to blame others for their choices because if they do not, they have to face their responsibilities, Your ex will not learn anything unless he finds that moment of realisation that he needs to get sober. And yes, I am speaking from experience.

Have you had help from Al-Anon or similar? Please do try it - you need the support of people who have been there and who can help you detach from your ex without hurting your own feelings.

Original poster

chatnicknameyousuggested · 27/04/2019 16:06

You're all right, all of you.
That didn't stop me wobbling however and thinking well, he didn't shit the bed THAT many times, maybe he will cut down, he's not the dictionary definition of an alcoholic...

The man is a drunk and we are far better off without him. I did the online divorce papers last night. So far I feel fine.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 16:14

He has told his family he left me because I am mentally ill (I am not).
I just got rathet upset as he has found someone else, and is still drinking heavily.
he says nobody else ever complained, that I pushed him to it

Lol, textbook narcissist lines.
I wonder if he was the same person before he drank tbh. I mean it could be the booze but it's just as possible he had a personality disorder to begin with. They don't change, they aren't capable of it as they don't see anything wrong with themselves-it's everyone else that has issues.

There's nothing you can do, it isn't your fault in the slightest. He's made his (dirty, shity) bed, let him lie in it. And get as far away as possible.

disneyspendingmoney · 05/05/2019 16:24

When they are at the stage of loosing control of bodily functions then they are a CHRONIC alcoholic.

I put up with it for years, one mattress after another ruined with piss shit vomit and other stuff.

It took a long time for me to get over my own denial of what the children and I were living with.

It wasn't until the day she was lying on the floor by the side if the bed, knickers around her knees pissing on the floor with the children watching and commenting as thought it was normal and fine, I said "enough is enough".

They go on to live in a world of blame and denial, my ex's parents know nothing of this, I'm the one who caused us to break up. She left because I was allegedly the abuser, even though the police and social services removed her from the family home.
.Recently two neighbors piped over to apologise to me as as they put it, they "thought I was the dick".

my point is it's tough to live with and tough to get over as there is so much history.

What you should try is detaching, stop thinking about them, stop communicating with them, stop doing anything for them. Treat them as you would a passer by in the street. You wouldn't let a friend or an acquaintance treat you the way an alcoholic treats their nearest and dearest.

This is for your own good and sanity, because they will continue to blame you rather than accept what they have done and be responsible for their own behaviour. It's their choices and their decisions to drink.

you didn't cause it
you can't control it
and you can't cure it

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/05/2019 18:46

That didn't stop me wobbling however and thinking well, he didn't shit the bed THAT many times, maybe he will cut down, he's not the dictionary definition of an alcoholic...

I'm a long time sober alcoholic and the behaviour you describe tells me your ex is undoubtedly an alcoholic. He will go on behaving like this until and unless he stops drinking completely.

If he's reached the point of regularly shitting himself he may not be far off wet brain, which is the terminal phase of alcoholism. Lots of drunks wet the bed. Where did you think the expression "get pissed" comes from? But losing control of both his bladder and his bowel is a step further.

Wet brain is when the alcoholic has permanent brain damage. Giving up drinking at this stage is pointless as the person can't become sober.

It happened to the DH of a very old friend of mine. He also started fitting randomly, terrifying the DC. The GP told her his condition was beyond any sort of treatment. She was forced to kick him out. He died a year or two later.

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