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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just can’t get over him or understand him leaving me ...

21 replies

Justmeandthepup · 26/04/2019 15:47

It’s been 9 months, I have good days and bad days.. I never thought the good days would come but they have... today is a bad day.

Was deleting loads of old stuff off my phone and found an old message thread with him which I forgot I had .. it was 3 weeks before he left me.. basically telling me how much he loved me, how he only ever wanted to grow old with me and how he was willing to do anything to show me he was the person I fell in love with and was prepared to do anything to make us work... 3 weeks after this he left. We hadn’t argued, we were working on the relationship and both making an effort but he simply told me he didn’t love me anymore and had lost the fire in his belly. 6 months before he had been distant, hid some minimal debt and lied to me about stupid things so trust was broken but he had been adamant he wanted to fix things.

Now I’ve seen this messages I’m sat here thinking why? Why would he say all that to then leave me 3 weeks later. It makes no sense. There was no OW, he does now have another girlfriend and I’ve filed for divorce.. this has just really got inside my head 😢

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 26/04/2019 15:54

No answers for you I'm afraid OP, but if I was being generous I would say it was one last try before pulling the trigger on the relationship. Fake until you make it etc. And that kind of thing.

It probably doesn't give you any solace, but it could be an explanation.

Original poster

Justmeandthepup · 26/04/2019 15:55

Sorry didn’t specify before, we were together 12 years and married a year.. it wasn’t short term x

OP posts:

Original poster

Justmeandthepup · 26/04/2019 15:56

@keepithidden Yeah that’s a fair point and something I’ve thought myself. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

MyloJesse · 26/04/2019 23:08

I know how you're feeling. My husband left me and my 7 month old son two weeks ago and it's practically destroyed me. However, this is what I think when I'm having a really bad day: I know this feeling will pass, I've just got to ride it out.

michimomma · 27/04/2019 21:21

Jumping in... my OH of 8 years and I have split since last night this is the second blowup Within a couple of weeks, it's over for good this time I finished it, we have 2 dc under 5 I don't know how I feel I'm quiet numb, there was a couple of huge factors drugs etc I feel he has chosen that over his family I am broken he is acting like it's all my fault and like he never even loved me packed all his stuff today and went to his parents, I suppose i was hoping he would have acted differently and showed he at least cares some bit o don't know where to go or what to do from here 😔

OldAndWornOut · 27/04/2019 21:38

I know the feeling well.
I've been sorting out bits and bobs today; the tablet he bought me. The poems he used to leave me all around the flat.. the photos of us looking blissfully happy.
I never did find out why he went, although, again, he had drink/drug issues.

michimomma · 27/04/2019 22:24

@OldAndWornOut
It's such a horrible feeling I feel empty, he's carrying on as normal while I am here in bits, how can you just not love someone anymore after that long, we both might be on the same problem with drink drugs etc... there's reminders of him everywhere although he packed all his clothes and a few main bits and took them today. I'm utterly broken as to how someone can not fight for something or someone they only say they love only yesterday was it all lies 😔

1tisILeClerc · 27/04/2019 22:33

I was looking forward to going part time and semi retiring after 30 years of marriage. All totally gone but finding old pictures on the computer makes me wonder why.

OldAndWornOut · 27/04/2019 22:46

I don't understand it at all.
I've been reading the thread about how you know you love someone, and its not only beautiful, its also how I felt about him (and how he felt about me, according to his friends and family)
Suddenly, all gone!!

Yellowshirt · 27/04/2019 22:48

I'm nine months into a seperation too after 14 years together and I'm still struggling to understand why my wife chose to hurt me so much and so badly.
I also can't get over why her mother is encouraging her to keep lying when she knows the truth about our marriage and what my wife did.
I wish I had the courage to committ suicide and end it all but I have a 13 year old daughter who will be destroyed.
I'm not even bothered about what she did now. I just want a fair deal in our divorce and to be free. My head is so fcuked but I can't admit it or talk to anyone.

SlimAndAthletic · 27/04/2019 22:50

Hey, you can talk to us here.
Sorry you're having such a shitty time.

michimomma · 27/04/2019 22:53

@OldAndWornOut I feel the exact same I don't think I can ever love someone like I love him, the thought of being with someone else makes me sick😔
@Yellowshirt we are here to help each other get through this awful time the lies is horrible I feel your pain there they make it out like lying isn't a big deal it's a huge deal

OldAndWornOut · 27/04/2019 22:59

There hasn't been anyone else for me since he left, and that was a few years ago now.
I think I would probably start crying if I had to spend time with someone else..
He was my north, my south, my east, my west, my working week and my Sunday rest.

I try to feel grateful to have loved and been loved (or a bloody good pretence on his part!) that much.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2019 00:12

Oh sweetheart, it will get better I promise. And you will come to peace with the fact that you will probably never know why. He was cruel to promise he would work on things before bailing, but at least he did it relatively quickly rather than keeping you stringing on for months or years until a better offer came along. At least he doesnt appear to have cheated. He did was MNers are always saying "Dont have an affair, have the decency to leave when you are unhappy" and he did. I am so sorry that it had to hurt you though.

I still have days, seven months after I ended my marriage to a man I loved with all my heart but who could no more be faithful than he could breathe underwater, when I feel like that.

There are songs that I came to know and love through him and I know that I will never be able to listen to them again. I can't watch Only Connect of all things! Because we used to watch it together and used to nail it as a team but were crap if we tried to play against each other. I always loved how it showed that we each had our strengths that worked better together.

Tearful again now. But it happens less and less. As it is, I have come to embrace being single. I have had offers and I have no interest in anyone else at the moment. I am just making the most of my children and my family, and never having to compromise which I didnt realise I did so much until I didnt have to!

eve34 · 28/04/2019 07:57

Stay strong. And keep rooting out all those reminders. It is sad to be wiping someone out of your life but it is part of moving on. Ex left me nearly 18 months ago and I'm just starting to feel
Ok now. (After 14 years together).

Gather support around you and keep talking to people. This will pass. It just takes time.

HRMumness · 28/04/2019 09:00

Feel your pain. DH had a huge personality change with his job and then had an affair. He told me he was unhappy but the affair had already started, so as much as I tried it was pointless. We had been together 12 years, married for 8, two children. I gave up my career to look after our children and support him. This year was meant to be my year, when I looked towards a new career / returning to work but he managed to ruin all that.

How I wish I could erase it all, erase the two months of the dreadful pick me dance he did. I still want him back after everything but I am now realising he isn’t the person I thought he was and the children and I will make a new life far away from him (I am relocating to my home country for practical and financial reasons, he has said I can go).
You will get through this

michimomma · 28/04/2019 16:54

@HRMumness that must have been a very difficult time for you 12 years is a long time, it's hard to get your head around, my OH cake to collect the kids today we spoke he wants a break for definite for at the very least a couple of weeks a month, I'm totally lost I do love him, I am a very anxious person lately and do nag him a lot like when he goes on a night out of he's not home at a decent hour I'm texting him I don't mean to be but from previous lies he has told I'm the past I feel I am on edge, he has reassured me on many times I have nothing to worry about, I do trust him I think I also might need to speak to someone and get help, he says he loves me but cannot he together right now. I really don't know how I am going to cope he is a good parent to our DC.

HRMumness · 28/04/2019 17:12

Are you sure the OW wasn’t on the scene earlier? My DH said so much BS before he finally admitted the truth about the affair. I would have a look at chumplady. For me that has really helped. Don’t make someone a choice that only makes you an option etc.

hellodarkness · 28/04/2019 17:19

Take comfort from the fact he ended it honourably and left you with your dignity.

My xh said similar things to me about the future while conducting a five year affair.

I'm further down the line than you but still find memories that knock me for six. It hurts doesn't it, to be discarded, to be lied to.

One can only hope they experience it for themselves one day, and understand how much it hurts. One day at a time op, and lots of distraction while you wait.

lifebegins50 · 28/04/2019 17:23

OP, you will feel better in time although the memory does last. Slowly you start to have much better days.

I think sometimes men realise that to continue with the marriage they will need to compromise or be less self centred and they simply bail as the single life seems more appealing. Or they think another woman will be more compatible, so long term they won't have to change or put in effort.

I really recommend a journal where you list the issues in your marriage and how he made you feel most of the time. Those text messages are just words, did you feel he loved you? Ex thought he loved me but his definition of love is someone who fits around him and puts him first. As long as I did that he loved me which is why I had declarations of love even at the end stages.
However when I showed up as a person with individual needs he could not love that person, that is why he could switch off and also blame me.

Real love is not words, it is actions.

NaBiAgOl · 28/04/2019 17:28

You may never figure out why he said one thing and meant another because even he probably didn't understand, but you will stop caring

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