Married to someone with ADHD

[JoiningTheDotsUp]

DH recently diagnosed. It explains a lot and now certain behaviours make sense. He's on medication but doesn't want anyone else to know, so I have no one to speak to IRL and thought you all might have some insights.

I want to talk to him about the impact his behaviour has on the family and what we can change now we know about the ADHD but can't think how to do it without it sounding like I'm having a go at him.

Things like leaving stuff out (inc power tools, razors etc in reach if the DC), double booking things, not planning ahead so that all the admin, childcare arrangements and social planning is left to me. And the debts, omg. I am fighting a constant battle trying to keep on top of things so we don't descend into chaos. Actually that's what it feels like the whole time, utter chaos. But then I constantly question whether I'm just being a control freak.

Does it get better with the medication? Any advice based on your experiences?

Hi Joiningupthedots. My husband has ADHD but it is undiagnosed. I feel like you, that I am living in utter chaos all the time. He seems to thrive on it. I am also drained from having to do all the admin and organisation.

Does yours be grumpy/Moody too? I feel like I live with a living breathing raincloud.

Are you sure all these things are ADHD? I have adhd and am an organisational ninja. Also great with finances and in charge of family budgets, also all childcare organisations, school shit, a lot of the travel booking etc.

I mean I lose my phone approx 80000 times a day and I find it VERY difficult to be on time but don’t let adhd be a catch all for everything.

Obvs all adhd people are different but just putting my bit across!

I also have adhd, sahm and do aaaall the admin. I forget a bit, but usually i on top of finances, housework etc.
And grumpy/moody is not part of having adhd..

Whatever problems with mood regulation can be part of ADHD.

I know - but it is no excuse.. you still have to be adult about your emotions..

Undiagnosed, I was very depressed - still not moody or grumpy outwardly but anxious and despairing because I felt like such a failure and I couldn't seem to function like 'normal'.

But getting diagnosed definitely helped you accept the way you work and either work around it or make changes to improve it. I am so envious of @theclearing's organisational ninjaness. I am constantly trying to sort out the chaos and I am getting better at it with post it notes, reminders on my phone. I have different alarms going off about every hour during the day. I'm sure I won't have to work so hard at it after a while. Was only diagnosed 6 months ago and I was living in a lot of chaos which I hated.

It helps to really want to do these things better though. And that there isn't anyone to pick up the slack.

OP, does your DH accept there is a problem with some of his behaviours? Was he diagnosed because he sought help? If he's happy with things as they are, it might be an upward struggle.

But if he does want to calm things down, I would suggest things that the the whole family can get involved in to generally improve family life. Noticeboards, chore lists, planners, night time routines to turn everything off etc. I have a box next to the front door for keys, phone, purse, cards, vape etc - I often forget to put things in it myself but when DP sees these things lying around he also puts them in the box for me. That way, when I lose something, I check the box first and 75% of the time, one of us has put it in there. That helps.

Interesting. He's definitely not moody or grumpy, unlike me (often because of all the crap I 'pick up'). He is very spontaneous, excellent in a crisis and creative. But he does struggle to focus and can be impatient. His focus has definitely improved with the meds.

Maybe he is just a messy person. I thought ADHD might have a part to play, but maybe not. So the 'forgetting to put things away' isn't an ADHD trait?

I hear you about the lost keys, except it's me and not DH! It's a family joke and the DC automatically hand me my phone/keys now if they see them lying around as they are so often asked to look for them.

Sorry notDaisy, I missed your post, got distracted while writing my reply.

It was DH that suggested ADHD after he read an article and it fitted his behaviour at school and growing up. He got a private assessment as it would have been a 2yr wait otherwise.

The suggestions are all things I've have tried in the past but they have all failed (with the exception of the place for keys etc - that just doesn't work for me as I'm too forgetful), but maybe now he is on the meds it may be worth another shot. Half the problem is that i also find it quite hard to stick at things (we are both great at ideas but rubbish at doing anything about them), so it's an enormous effort for me too and I feel like I'm doing all the work.

I would say forgetting to put things away is most dedfinitely an ADHD trait.

Obviously, some people don't experience that but I do, I'm too distracted and engrossed and always rushing.

My DP is very messy too which doesnt help, we'lstart new organisation things and forget about them and not follow through.

Some of this must be a personality issue though - he must be happy with the chaos to an extent? But he's also an adult and you shouldnt have to clear up after him. Now he's diagnosed there's even less of an excuse - there's no reason for him not to pull his weight and adapt/implement systems to help him with things he finds difficult.

Would you feel comfortable telling him you dont want to become his parent which you are in danger of doing if he doesn't try to change some of the things that make life difficult?

There are plenty of articles online that you xould point him to that talk about the danger of an adhd spouse being over burdened and marriages failing as a result. Would that inspire him?

Not sure how he'd take me telling him I'm feeling like the parent, I suspect he'll say he feels the same as he does all the cooking - it's something he enjoys and gives him an excuse to hide away in the kitchen and potter. However he won't meal plan so ends up buying food everyday and binning lots which is expensive. I shop for the basics (otherwise we would run out) but if I buy anything else it gets ignored. Lots of other issues as a result too. (I've given up trying to contribute to the meals for my own sanity, although it's actually very nice to have some take the mental load for deciding what to have for supper.)
I guess the issue is how to get his buy in and get him to stick to it without sounding like his mother.
I'll take a look online at the articles, thank you.

Did anyone try relationship counselling and did it help? I'm thinking this might be the way to go. Would I need to find someone with ADHD experience? Would Relate help?