How to get her to admit he's abusing her

[Jasging]

New to this board I'm normally an AIBU girl but thought I may get more useful advice here.

I am convinced my sister is being abused. At the very least emotionally but also suspect physically. They have been married 11 years and it has always been challenging to get on with him as it all happened very quickly and when he asked for my dads blessing my dad said no I'm sorry I don't really know you so they eloped and didn't speak to anyone for 4 years.

There is always some kind of drama in their lives losing job, risk of being homeless etc etc but they are now pretty settled thanks to my dad putting a roof over their heads. Additionally he has had various police incidents that at one point got social services involved but no case was brought against him.

However they have no friends, do not socialise and are impossible to get hold of. If my parents turn up on the doorstep to drop something off it is never "convenient" and they aren't allowed over the threshold. It has got to the point where she doesn't even come to my kids parties anymore. They don't even see my mum and dad at Xmas most of the time, just use them as a babysitting service.We live 2 miles away. If you ask her to do anything the reply is always she will have to check with him.

Sent her a serious text message yesterday regarding a poorly family member. No response. This morning she starts messaging me on Facebook messenger abut meeting up with the kids which I would love to do but unfortunately my youngest is not old enough for what she suggested. This is the first time I have heard off her in ages so really annoyed we can't meet. So I ask why she is messaging and not texting me, claims not to have got my text I say fine I'll text you check it's working, no reply. I call the phone, it rings for ages then eventually goes to voicemail. I am convinced he has taken her phone off her.

For the last year she has lost more and more weight to the point where she looks anorexic. The problem is everyone else keeps telling her she looks great! We are both big built girls, this is never right. I am wondering if she's even being controlled as to what she eats.

I'm right aren't I but what can I do? She will never admit it. I am terrified one day it will all go too far.

I would ask if you recognise me from this thread please don't say anything as some of it is quite identifying. Thanks

There’s no evidence of abuse

You and your father do nt see her, is that a surprise when your father made his disapproval of their relationship so plain.

Why should she welcome your parents just turning up unannounced ?

As for the weight loss if everyone says she looks great, maybe everyone is right.

jas that sounds awful. She sounds very isolated.

If this was my sister I’d turn up on her door step too. Has she got children? Does he work? Does she?

Northen by the sounds of it they are quite happy to take assistance in being housed. Do you need an announcement to see your kids when your worried about them?

Her husband sounds a bit dodgy but there isn't any evidence of abuse only that she has chosen to distance herself from you and your parents. You clearly dont approve of her lifestyle, partner, weight loss or much else so it's not a big surprise. Perhaps try and slowly rebuild your relationship with her without judgement in a way that she wants (so not turning up unannounced if she clearly doesn't welcome that). If she's being abused she's more likely to open up to you, if she's not then you may get closer to the sort of relationship that you want.

The Facebook thing sounds like she is reaching out to you in that way. Can you really not meet, even if your youngest has to watch than participate? Loads of this sounds dodgy to me and I suspect you will do best by your sister by letting her know you are always there.

Can you suggest a mutual hobby to do together? Or the gym? With such a sparse relationship atm maybe she doesn't feel able to tell you anything? And admitting family were right def won't be an easy extraction....

I agree that it sounds very dodgy. If she can do Facebook but not texts then maybe arrange to meet somewhere local?

@Northernparent68 they turn up at the house to drop things off she asks for etc, trying to be helpful, our family is otherwise very sociable it would be quite normal to invite people in for a cup of tea - especially bear in mind they own the house and saved them from homelessness but they are only welcome when useful.
I'd say my dad was quite right not to give his blessing given she'd only been with him 6 weeks at the time. Fair enough they've been together 10 years but when you see how isolated her life is you have to wonder.

I did at one point contact an abuse charity for advice who said that everything I have said is definitely red flags for abuse and he is isolating her.This is not about me being judgemental it's about not wanting to wake up one day and find out he's battered her.

i try and keep in touch as much as I can but when she never answers her phone or comes to anything I invite her to it is very hard. Today her asking us to go out with her was the first time in a very long time and I would have loved to have gone but it wasn't feasible, suggested other things or meeting tomorrow but she said no.

What I really want to know is from someone who's been in this situation how did you realise you need to get out?

She left him once when he got in trouble with the police but went back 2 weeks later.

Ps re the weight loss people on Facebook say she looks great how much weight have you lost etc then come up to me and ask if she's ill!

@Downthecanal yes both work, one child.
Child doesn't really socialise either as they just stay in all the time and he has had some issues.They are doing ok financially now.

You can’t ‘get’ someone to get it. Agonisingly, you have to play the long game. Build a closer relationship, build trust, be open and non-judgmental (this is very very hard to do) and then you may be able to support. Can you change your mind on the activity (use your parents to sit your youngest or go without kids). Take whatever contact on whatever terms you can get. If FB messenger might be safe use it for very safe innocuous friendly messages just to show the door is still open. X

@HappyHedgehog247 thanks it's just a bloody long game and I don't know where it will end. When she left him before she said she was worried about being on her own etc at which point she was only about 28, I pointed out her age she could go on and meet someone else have more kids (still could) that she'd always be ok financially as my mum and dad would support her etc.... she knows all this I just suspect he totally dents her confidence. I've also pointed out a few of my friends who have left their husbands recently because they weren't happy with how they were being treated and gone on to meet new people but she just glazed over at me (!) Whatever I say is wrong if I suggest eg a new job when she complains about her job so it is quite testing but I would hope she knows we're always here for her.

I wonder at Jasging, and I mean this kindly, if it’s because what she hears from you are suggestions and recommendations. However well meant, the underlying assumption is that you know what’s best for her or could be better rather than exploring how things are for her. There is something in her current set up that means she stays even if ultimately it’s not ‘real’ eg by staying she knows she can protect the kids from him and won’t be separated from them or by staying she doesn’t need to depend on her parents. Open questions is the way forward, unlike this post So I realise I am responding in a way the opposite of what I suggest!

@HappyHedgehog247 I get what you're saying and honestly I don't really it down her throat I spend a lot of time biting my tongue and she spends a lot of time moaning about her life and people- tho not him!
If she did leave there is no way he would get custody see earlier comment re police and social services, although social services did not proceed he still has a criminal record.

*ram it down her throat I mean