Found the right guy but have circumstances

[Claire926]

I met a lovely guy about 2 years ago through my hiking group. A few months later he started messaging me. For the past year I was not able to get to the group due to ill health, he would message me and always asked how I am and if I need him he is there for me. So we have kept in touch.

I have just seen him this weekend with the hiking group. I can tell he really likes me. He is kind and caring and we have a laugh. I don't know why but I am trying to fault find him. It is silly things like I didn’t like his t-shirt. The one factor I am not sure of is money. I am currently not working, as I need to find work after losing my job. He also is not on a full time contract, which he said he is looking for more hours as he said he is struggling to survive. As he lives an hour away so petrol costs need to be considered too if we are to meet in the middle etc.

My parents have always told me not to date anyone who is poor or has no savings as they are just using you and cannot provide for you. I don’t want to use a man for his money as I have tried dating guys who have more money and they have ended up being the most narcissistic and unloving men I have met which I do not want, I need a man who cares.

He said he will see me again on another walk or break away. Should I give him a chance or wait until we both have full time employment? I don’t want to mess him around as he does not deserve that. He messaged me the day after the trip and has messaged me today. I had such a great time with him it's breaking my heart and I hate waiting any longer.

How would he be using you if you have no money yourself?

If your looking for silly reasons not to see him then you’re probably not in the right place for a relationship anyway.

You are over-analysing this. If you like him, go for it.

You're talking about building up the very early stages of a friendship/relationship, not committing to each other for life ffs!

To be honest you sound a little intense and (please don't be offended) desperate? You hate waiting any longer for what?

Why not just arrange to meet at a time and place convenient for you both and spend some time enjoying his company instead of building him up in your mind as The One or The One That Got Away?

Ignore your parents! They might have been saying that hoping to help but a person’s worth is not found in their finances. It sounds like you really like him, why not simply look to enjoy his company as much as possible and see what, if anything, develops. I’d rather meet up with a nice person once a week due to saving for travel costs than an okay person more often.
(Btw my husband is much poorer than either of my two ex husbands, though works just as hard, I am too as am now disabled so can’t work, we are very happy!)

He sounds like a nice bloke, I hope he reads this post by some weird miracle so he can run away. Your mum is judgemental and you sound a little desperate

Why are you thinking 5 steps ahead? If you like him, spend time with him! You're not moving in together (!).

I may be projecting, but I deeply regret leaving my first love, as was so influenced by my mother & she would say similar things. If you find real, profound love go for it.

My first love is now making big bucks & ended up being very successful. When I told mother this recently & how he was the best boyfriend I ever had she remarked “oh really? Him? I never thought he’d amount to much.”

How on earth would he be 'using you' he does at least have a job.

If you like him see how it goes

Oh and unless his T shirt said 'Cunty Misog' then YABU about that

Agree with others. How can he be using you, if you have nothing yourself?

So your mother is saying no one should be dating you too as you have no money?

You have health issues.

You lost your job.

You can't even afford some petrol.

You judge someone based on factors as superficial as a t shirt.

And yet, this guy is interested anyway, because he likes you.

Even so, you are putting how much that man earns above who they are as a person.

And, somehow, you conclude that he would be using you? Awesome self-awareness.

@prawnsword

Aww, thats like 'Persuasion'. Hope you get a second chance, or if not I hope you've met/meet someone else who's lovely.

Many of us were easily influenced when young (I was and was a bit of dick/silly) - I missed out on a chance with a great guy due to caring too much about our associates' opinions of him and other pretensions, silly shit (though he was also a bit immature as 18/19 fellas can be) but I'm lucky in that I've met a good partner and am still (distantly) friendly with the guy.

Op give it a chance, circumstances will change for both of you. And you're only getting to know each other a but and seeing if there's potential fit more. He sounds lovely.

*bit
*for

You've not even been on a date yet!

OP, I can’t imagine you are in fact in your teens, as hiking isn’t generally a teenage activity, but why are you even considering obeying your mother’s ‘rules on dating’, especially when they are completely inapplicable in your circumstances, as you don’t have any money at all, so no one is likely to be ‘using you for money’? And your other set of assumptions, about men who aren’t using you for your money being narcissistic and unloving, don’t work either, as he’s as skint as you.

You seem to be jumping the gun in several ways, worrying about finances, jobs, petrol and how far apart you live, when from your post, you’ve only ever encountered this man at a shared hobby, you haven’t even attended that in a full year until just now, you’ve never spent any time alone with him, he’s never asked you out, just said he’ll see you again on a hike...? At least ask him out, and see if he’s interested.

Your mother or father are not going to date this guy, so ignore them

Life is too short, try dating him & see how it goes
Not enough money for petrol ? If he likes you he will get the bus, cycle, walk, hitch hike
There is always telephone, Skype, old fashioned letter

This is really strange. This man likes you genuinely. Why not give him a chance. A date or two. Love isn't about money or t shirts.

Gosh, give the guy a chance. Small steps! Circumstances change. Some couples start off piss poor and there is nothing wrong with that!

Unless his t shirt was carrying a full out racial slur I think YABVU

Anyone still unduly influenced by their parents’ views on dating, isn’t mature enough to be dating.

I had the same concerns about finances when I was considering dating a student whilst I was in a 50k/year job. Fast forward 4 years, hes completed his PhD, were married and have had our first DC. Thankfully I had a friend who told me to stop actively looking for reasons to not date someone and enjoy the process. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for her!

Also you sound like a real prat when you talk about him using you when you're broke!

If you can't afford to meet up then you can't. If you can, then you both like hiking and that's free so just go on some solo hikes ("dates" if you want to suggest they're that to him).

IMO if you're both "poor" it's probably better. Its tricky when there is financial inequality. However, I would avoid someone who had repeatedly lost jobs or didn't seem to be able to hold one down. That's different to being made redundant or recovering from a long term health condition limiting work, though.

Why would he want to use you? What's so special about you? Is there something you're not sharing like a vast inheritance coming up, you're the inventor of the first hover car, but the cheque hasn't cleared, genius supermodel? He likes you. You like him (but not his taste in T-shirts). Get over yourself and your parents and date he guy. He hasn't asked to move in or marry you!

What if his mother said all those things about you, given your circumstances?

🤷‍♀️