Help me get over this please...it's been years!!

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I have an ex who I went out with for a year when we were both very young. We broke up, then got back together a few years later, same thing again. I was hugely in love with him - I felt this intense connection to him but I never felt like it was wholly reciprocated. He was somewhat narcissistic, very charming and intelligent and I felt like he was my soul mate although the relationship was not the healthiest.

Fast forward several years later and I'm now in a happy and committed relationship with a lovely, kind man. I haven't seen this ex in years, he's moved abroad and yet he pops into my mind on an almost daily basis. I found out from mutual friends that he got married recently and I've been on an unhealthy binge of thinking about him and looking at photos mutual friends posted of his wedding. I know this is terribly unhelpful but even without the photos I find myself thinking about him so often. I feel awful to my DP that I think of my ex so frequently but I don't know how to get past it. I go through spells where I can escape thoughts of him but it always seems to come back to thinking about him, what his wife is like, reminiscing about our relationship etc.

Has anyone ever been in this scenario? I thought it would go away after a while but it's been years and I feel stuck in the same rut - in this time I've changed careers, travelled and done heaps of other things yet this one thing is really getting me down I did speak to a counselor about it when I was a bit depressed last year but she just said to keep myself busy, which I am, but it doesn't really help!

Yes I used to be. I realised - slowly - that’d I’d completely idolised him, he really wasn’t all that and it’d never have worked. He always said the right thing but actions speak louder than words. I think it’s common to feel that way about your first love but it’s not healthy to ‘binge’ the way you say you are.
For me there was a specific reason I realised I’d been so infatuated and convinced we were going to be together forever. Maybe you need to explore it a bit more and find out why you feel the way you do still. Perhaps speak to a different counsellor?
Are you completely happy with your DP? For me it was always exacerbated if I was with someone I knew wasn’t quite the right fit and disappeared when I met my DH. I still think about him now and then but not in the way I used to.
I hope you manage to sort it out

Thanks for your response. What was your specific reason? For me I think part of it is a feeling of nostalgia for that period of my life, but I had other relationships too and none stuck with me in the same way. It's definitely something to do with this particular guy but I don't know what.

DP is a wonderful man and our relationship is great but I guess maybe part of me craves that 'high' I had with my ex because he always withheld? With him I felt quite reckless and impulsive - my relationship with DP is stable and not full of drama like it was with the ex.

Part of me wishes I could just bump into him and have all the romanticising knocked right out of me - I'm sure he's nowhere near as exciting as my imagination makes him out to be!

I’ve sent you a PM.

Probably the only exciting thing about him was that you couldn't have him. Write down all the bad bits about him, completely honest. Not what he said but what he actually did. Also all the things that he did that made you feel bad. You'll see that he wasn't all that.

Then write a list about your dp and how he makes you feel. What he does that matches what he says.

If it's any comfort l still have daily thoughts about a guy l slept with twice five years ago. It is ridiculous but l can't seem to shake it. I have stopped looking at him on social media and that has helped a bit. I feel really crazy and it is infuriating. However, l have come to the conclusion that some people just get under your skin. It doesn't mean much really. I think it is some sort of chemistry thing that happens once or twice in a lifetime. Also, l have noticed that it tends to be related to the feelings not being reciprocated. I've not really got any advice. Just have to suck it up and hope that one day you will be free of it.

maybe part of me craves that 'high' I had with my ex because he always withheld? With him I felt quite reckless and impulsive - my relationship with DP is stable and not full of drama like it was with the ex.

We you've answered your own question.

They are highs but not healthy highs. You're like an ex smoker getting that random strong desire to smoke they say they get. 😉.

Also it was your first serious relationship, us that right.

Those two things could explain it.
But honestly I'd lay off looking at anything about him. I understand men like that leave you with a long-term "what was wrong with me, what does the woman he ended up with have that I don't?" but the reality is, probably nothing - just timing. Or, if not, it's just one of those things - the weird alchemy's that makes people fall for someone and not another (who is not objectively much more attractive). But when men it's mostly timing. Many men Want to sow the oats before settling and are not going to settle with an early gf. Some do obviously, many don't.

Specific things that help for me are:

In my head shouting over nice things he'd say to get me back on side with the horrible things he said or an description of the horrible things he did, to shout down the bits that I now realise were lies and tactics to get me back

Playing "what's the best that could happen"? Looking at his social media - best case scenario nothing massively upsets you so either nothing changes and you do it again, then the risk starts again. Worst case scenario you see sometime that upsets you - a girl he's with, a thing he's said, a belief he shares - and your obsession deepens, gets worse or you even try to get in touch or get his attention. See? So ask yourself before every single time you feel like looking "what genuine good could come of this?"

Easier said than done but don't let a memory dictate your happiness for the rest of your life, please

I agree with @Tootruetoyou, some people will just remain with you regardless and you just have to let the moment pass and not act on it. I had a brief relationship when I was a SP in my early 20s, I'm in my late 40s now and he still pops up in my mind. He wasn't a bad person, but a case of the right person for me at the wrong time. We had a very intense connection, but he still had links to his ex who he had been with since early teens. He didn't know whether to get together with me or go back to her. In the end I made the decision for him and finished with him for good after 8 months or so of him prevaricating. He did go on to marry the ex, but told a mutual friend of ours that he will always deeply regret not staying with me. That might sound romantic, but he made the decision to go back to his ex in the end and in a lot of ways I view him as rather weak. His ex had a track record of emotional blackmail (I heard this from the mutual friend) so in my opinion he had the option, but was too scared.

I have idly looked at his FB profile on the odd occasion and wistfully thought 'what if', but nothing more. It wasn't meant to be and that it is that.

OP if you are in a happy relationship, don't jeopardise it by romanticising this ex of yours.

You need to harden your heart, OP.

I remember when I split up with my first "proper" boyfriend (i.e. the first one I had sex with.) We'd been together 2 years. He went off with someone else. We were both 18... or maybe 19, I forget.

I sat at my desk at work with tears rolling down my face, pulling my hair to try to distract from the emotional pain with physical. I told myself "I will never love anybody this much again, nobody can ever hurt me this much again." And I never did.

I completely lost myself in him. It was hugely unhealthy. Totally co-dependent.

We did have some great times, but looking back now it should have been a FWB arrangement and nothing more. We were so young.

I'm not angry with him. I looked him up on FB a few years ago and TBH it looked like he had a shit life whereas I am happy with work, home and family life.

But for many years after we split I was convinced he was "the one" and that one day the stars would magically align and we'd be together. Like you, we broke up and got "back together" a few years later, but I was careful to guard my feelings and made it clear it was a FWB arrangement, no exclusivity on either side.