Confused about engagement

[Willowcat77]

My boyfriend and I got engaged a few months ago. It was all very low key he asked casually and I said yes.

Problem is, I feel a bit hurt and baffled because he's hardly told anyone. He only told his dad and his (adult) children because I got upset about it but nobody from his family has spoken about it to me and nobody has said congratulations.

I said I don't want an expensive ring, I'm happy with a simple silver celtic ring but the subject of the ring has also been dropped.

I sometimes ask him whether we're definitely engaged and he says yes and then changes the subject. No mention or status update on Facebook either, this engagement feels so low key that it's almost not there.

I worry that he only asked me because he knew I wanted to be engaged. I originally asked him and his response was ambivalent which made me extremely anxious. He asked me a few days later. I have ASD so certainty and permanence are important to me, and we have been together for 2.5 years now.

He gets a bit annoyed when I force the issue so I'm not talking about it anymore but still feel hurt and baffled. Am I just being pathetic? Any opinions? Thanks.

If you're engaged, then you're surely planning a wedding? What does he say of that? There's no point getting engaged unless you plan to marry imminently...

Set a date and start planning. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Have you discussed where or when you'll want to be married? It doesn't sound like he's very enthusiastic about it

Being honest I can't get excited about engagements. My DH was similar, he hates making a public fuss and wouldn't dream of posting something like our engagement or wedding on fb.... I just tag him, he doesn't even notice.
Are you actually planning a wedding? Otherwise engagement isn't really a thing. People who plan long engagements and have engagement parties confuse me... But each to their own I suppose.

Unless you’re setting a date, you’re not engaged.
Sometimes that date is far off... but it’s still a real thing you are planning towards.

Forget Facebook announcements, and discuss dates with him.

Thanks for your replies. He said we could get married next Summer 2020. Now is too early because he might be made redundant and I need to sell my house so we can buy a house together. (I live in his house with his children. I want to make a fresh start in our own home.)

We want to have an informal wedding, maybe in the woods near where we live. We don't like big scary weddings so he suggested people should come as superheros, though I would prefer elves or maybe just in 70s clothes because we are from the 70s.

We talked about this at first, but it quickly went quiet. I don't understand why he can't be bothered to tell anyone. Other people always seem to make a big deal about being engaged.

Maybe I'm being stupid and just want attention, I don't know. Sometimes I worry he is embarrassed by my ASD. Maybe it's just normal not to talk about it until you have set a definite date?

I agree that if you don’t ahve a date set the then your engagement is pretty meaningless to anyone else. You are already living together anyway .

Can I ask about your housing situation ? Do you both own your own house and you are selling them both to buy one together ?

Does he have his kids full time and how does that work out for you ? Do you have kids already and do you plan to have more together ?

What will he do if he’s made redundant ?

Just as an aside, a wedding where guests are compelled to wear fancy dress sounds terrifying to me and I probably wouldnt attend.

@I'mnotNigel We both have children, all young adults. I live with his dc and my dd when she is home from University. Dp owns his house but I need to sell mine. My ex still lives in mine but I will get a share once it is sold, then dp and I can buy a house together.

I'm starting to think we need to agree a date to make it more real.

I don't think I would enforce fancy dress, just informal but come as an Elf if you like.

Ah, so you don’t live together yet ? can I suggest that you try living together first, before you get married and buy a house together ?

And please make sure that any deposit you put into the joint house is protected legally.

BTW the reason I’m asking about the house and jobs and childcare is that I’m wondering if he’s a bit of a future faker.

@ImNotNigel We do live together, since last September, though we've been a couple for 2.5 years.

I think he'd rather stay where he is tbh, but it's important to me to be an equal homeowner, not just his living in his house. He earns a lot more than me, which makes me feel uncomfortable so I am insisting on paying half of everything

just informal but come as an Elf if you like
This reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones where someone's hiding in the garden because he's come as a bishop Don't let me put you off though!

Have you suggested an engagement party? At whch, of course, you show your ring.

What does half of everything mean?

Don’t marry a man who allows you to insist on paying half of his mortgage.

Cover all the costs that you add, sure. And if you were on similar incomes, I’d say it’s fair to pay a lodging amount towards the house. But right now you’re paying off the mortgage of a man who could dump you tomorrow. He shouldn’t be accepting that.

Let’s be honest, getting engaged is a bit of a non-event in the grander scheme of things

@NameChangeNugget I suppose it is...

I was just expecting him to want to share it a bit, most of his family don't know. I am the sort of person who would be so happy about it and tell everyone I know. I just stopped telling anyone quite quickly though cos dp obviously doesn't feel the same. I just feel awkward about asking about a ring any more.

I can see why it's a non event, it's just other people I know make a bit of a deal out of their engagements... but yes, I suppose it is trivial 🤔

Say you'd like to go ring shopping this weekend and look at venues next weekend, see what his reaction is.

Ellisandra makes a good point . Can you say more about the house and the bills OP?

Also I’m wondering why your ex of at least 2.5 years is still living in the house you jointly own while the kids live with you in your boyfriends house . Are you divorced yet?

@ImNotNigel Yes, I'm divorced but the sale of the house has been delayed due to various legal problems. Also, DS still lives with Ex so I feel bad about forcing the sale.

Re bills etc I pay £200 to DP per month as a general contribution, I'm on a low part time wage otherwise I'd pay more . I want us to buy our own house and be a 50% owner, I think that would make me feel more secure. I obviously need to sell my own house first though.

I might just drop all talk of the engagement, it feels a bit stupid if he's not really into it.

Don't let him burst your balloon, Willowcat! Is he always such a killjoy or is it just this?

It does sound a bit strange. Plenty of my friends have had engagement parties & there's always a bit of fanfare, champagne gifts etc. You have time. Maybe use his lowkey reaction to your own advantage & start to really think about what YOU want & need & how YOU feel.

@Ravenmum No he is generally very enthusiastic about things, just not house stuff and our engagement 🙂 I think he sees wanting a nice home and being engaged as a bit boring!

Getting engaged might be a bit of a non-event to the people around you, but it shouldn't be to you and your DP. Is he just one of those people who can't get into things until it's nearer the time? If you've discussed the type of thing you want but feel it's too far off to book, then yes, wedding talk may have faded out for the time being, but you should be happy to tell people. Have you been clear with him about how you want people to know? Saying you want something "low-key" could imply that you don't need to tell people until you have a date set, perhaps?

I can understand him not getting worked up about "getting engaged" - as you both have grown up children, then you aren't in the first flush of youth and you have both been married before.
What would concern me though is the not wanting to talk about your plans for getting married.

The other thing that concerns me is the impression I get from your posts that if he doesn't want to discuss something, then that subject is off the table. Two adults in an equal relationship should be able to talk about important plans in their life (even if one isn't that interested in the more minor details).

Boring? Not wanting to celebrate is boring. Only getting enthusiastic about things you like and ignoring your partner's interests is boring.