Hi everyone, I'm just after some perspective and to any success stories as to therapy / strategies.
My DH is late twenties and has an adolescent history of losing his temper e.g. brother went into the shower first - whole day ruined in his mind. He went to therapy and seemed to develop some strategies. It was queried whether he is autistic.
Lately, he has faced a lot of turmoil in his life. His brother attempted suicide, he found his Mum messaging other men and his parents are on the brink of divorce. Unfortunately, this has led to an increase in his temper and he is seeming to lose his rag daily. Over the bank holiday, we had some amazing days but it's almost as if he is clinging onto his idea of perfection / the ideal plan and when any upset happens, he is flying off the handle.
So on Sunday, we had a family BBQ with the inlaws and games. We walked inside to fetch drinks and I asked whether he was OK as he had a bad cold. He rolled his eyes and snapped as to why I couldn't just be happy and why do we always have to talk about things / why cant we just get on and do them. I said that his reaction was a bit extreme but ok that's fine but then he started shouting 'why do you always have to ruin everything.' This came completely out of the blue on the day and has basically been the pattern for 2 weeks. If I dont express the exact same feelings that he is, then he gets angry so quickly and starts to be so nasty. On Sunday he ended up pummeling a pillow and the door in anger and just seems to go into meltdown and then burst into tears.
We have talked about what leads up to these rages but as much as he seems to understand them, he cant stop them. Hes always very sorry afterwards and says the anger is never about me but I'm left wondering what on earth is going on. I've asked him to express his emotions when he feels them e.g. frustrated by a family member - then please say it rather than bottling it up and taking it out on me later. But he doesnt want to appear nasty and cant see that hes actually being worse to me in the long run behind closed doors.
His common go-to line is 'I've never argued with anyone like this' yet I know that there is a huge history of temper tantrums and sulking with previous gfs and his parents, which he recognises when hes not in the midst of his meltdowns. He also has been very affected by his family situation - which used to be the perfect family - and is now falling apart and he doesnt deal well with all the uncertainty.
Has anyone else had success with anger management or can shed any light on the situation? I'm well aware that if this carries on, we need to call it a day but sometimes when you're in it, you cant see the wood for the trees. Any advice hugely appreciated.