Feeling Pathetic

[BE2BN2BE]

Jesus, I feel pathetic. I’m nearly 36 years old, a professional, a mother, I got myself out of an abusive marriage three years ago and yet I cannot get over being dumped by my boyfriend of 16 months.

He dumped me pretty much out of the blue six months ago. All done via text, no contact since. In fact he blocked my number. I did all the things I thought I should do- took my son places, saw my friends, made plans, I even briefly went back onto internet dating and had an awful date with some weirdo, I’ve read all the books, been to counselling, exercises and threw myself into work.
Nothing has helped. He’s still all I think about, especially the first six months when everything was wonderful. I know I’m looking back with rose tinted glasses because the last six months of our relationship were pretty awful.
I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I broke my social media ban to stalk him this morning, noticed he’s liked some nail salon in north London and so convinced myself he’s seeing someone who owns/ works there and I’m a state. I’m spent the morning crying.
I dread the idea of dating again as I’m not conventionally attractive in anyway.
In my head he was perfect and I should have changed myself to make him stay. I know that’s wrong in so many ways. I tell myself to snap out of it, to put my big girl pants on. I just can’t do. I just can’t move on.

Hi, i'm sorry you're feeling this way. The end of a relationship is always tough, even when rationally, as you acknowledge above it had been pretty awful or run its course. It sounds as though you are doing the 'right' things. Ultimately it is a process and will take time. It is normal for there to be bumps along the way. Try to stay focused on building the best life for yourself and your son and be kind to you. These feelings will pass and you will move forward. All the best wishes.

OP, I think maybe is more about your abusive marriage than your most recent ex?

You have had such a strong reaction to this - of course we can't dictate your level of distress, but spending the morning crying six months after a 16-month relationship ended is unusual. I think there must be more going on here.

Maybe try seeing a counsellor to talk over why you are finding this so hard. Sometimes after a serious relationship ends, we pin all our hopes on the next relationship to make everything better, and do not properly give ourselves time to grieve for the serious relationship.

I also wonder if you might find talking therapies or counselling helpful, or if you had any support after leaving your abusive marraige? In the right relationship you should not need to lose or change the essence of who you are. You do not deserve any less tham someone who accepts, wants and values you for you.