When one spends more than the other how do you work things out.

[marg33]

When one spends more than the other how do you work things out.
Do you talk and listen respectfully to each other trying to understand each other more hoping that might lead to each person shifting a bit for each others happiness and peace
do you make budgets hoping the other will realise to find more ways to save money
do you google how others handle money or handle when one spends and the other one saves
do you make compromises allowing the spender to have a bit their way but not everything.
do you go to counselling hoping to lead to peace.
do spenders ever shift to care ab out their partners peace more than about stuff.
if none are on huge incomes and its worth saving in every way possible to raise children with less stress how can one who thinks they are rich and wants everything new and now be helped to shift or do they rarely shift.

Sorry never had this problem, we both earn and both pay bills, anything else isn’t discussed unless a parcel arrives! Unless it’s really exciting!!

Can i guess that you have tried talking already; what was the reaction ?

If not, probably be the best start, and gauge the future based on the response.

I think you need to sit down and look at budgets. Sounds like you have joint accounts and perhaps suggest this can only continue to work if it's equitable. Could you agree an amount that is needed for bills/food/childcare then agree an amount to be put aside for savings, holiday fund or emergency and see how much you have left. You then allow them to spend half of what's left as they see fit. The saver might still choose to save their half but you know other costs are covered first?

I am the saver and husband the spender.
All wages in to different buckets( bank accounts) 60% into everyday account for rent/mortgage, food, bills stuff.
20% into splurge can be spent on hobbies, dinners out, hairdresser ect. Max $200 spend without consultation.
20% into savings for holidays, furniture,cars big item spends.
Also $2000 in mojo for unexpected expenses, heater blowing up etc. slowly build this to 3 months wages, kept in separate bank.
Husband wants new everything including a new car every 3 years. As that is over $200 spend Limit it must be discussed And I don’t agree to new car every 3 years, or $1200 guitar. He can have big item things if he saves for it, surprising how that makes him rethink certain purchases.
Good luck

Do you earn the same amount, do you pay the same amount in bills. Do you spend the same amount on treats?

I have the job of sorting out the family finances. DP never denied himself anything if he wanted it so it was hard for him to go from earning good money with not many expenses , to earning the same with a mortgage and renovation costs , then years later being the breadwinner after we started a family and my income dropped.
I wrote down all the spending and we looked together at where we could save , rather than saying you get $ 50 a week spending . He suggested an amount and we kind of did it as a project , writing it down each day. I also put all the essentials from his wages into a bills account and another for mortgage etc. There’s a bit left over . On a daily level things are better , though every now and again he wants to make a big purchase for himself and it creates issues because it doesn’t occur to him to check if we can afford it. Eg he wants to buy another guitar just before Xmas. I worry about running out of money . He acts as if we always have money. Sometimes people just have such different attitudes and aren’t compatible.
I hate spending money on myself , even when I need to buy new winter boots I think about it for so long and I need DP to say ‘ go on do it for Gods sake’.
I used to read this money saving blog by this man who talked about intentional spending , so you’re not spending without thinking about it.

I found metalkpretty's contribution very relevant to the discussion Alicewond, while yours........

metalkpretty is answering exactly what the OP was asking, so I don't know why she needs to be slapped down

Thank you for such helpful info including@
They say marriages end often from financial incompatability . We have a few children and my partner wants everything new when we have family and friends who can give us almost everything for free as their hand me downs . Clothes toys baby stuff . There are a lot of expenses with childcare or school so I’d love to save a fortune by using hand me downs . I don’t know if my partner would ever agree or get used to it as they act like they are rich but I feel the financial stress and wish they considered my health and having enough fir everything we need more easily . None of us are on massive incomes .

alicewond you have a habit of coming on threads and chastising users for thoroughly reasonable contributions metalkpretty is answering the OP in an insightful and personal way. It's a helpful contribution to this thread.

OP I'm not sure what the answer is. I think my DH is irresponsible with money and it's caused a lot of stress. Fortunately we both earn good salaries now (after both previously being sahp at one time it another).

I've tried to separate out our finances as much as possible which allows him to be a spendthrift without impacting on me but I suspect this only really works because I earn enough to support us all in the event that he contributed nothing.

I think hand me downs are great , not only to save money but to help the environment.
Maybe a discussion about what needs to be bought new and what are acceptable hand me downs. Then discussion on where those savings will go.

As long as your bills are paid equitably (each contributing your fair share according to income), then let your partner spend their extra money on whatever they wish, as long as you don’t need to supplement it.

I don’t really like secondhand clothes. So I buy new things but in minimal amounts. If there is something I want for our dc that is more a luxury than a necessity, I buy it from my own money. Let your partner do the same.

Pool all money.
Bills are paid out of the pot.
You agree an amount for the savings pot.
Then you split what is left to do with as you both wish.
Job done!

I didn’t see the removed comment as I was working luckily. About hand me downs, maybe he thinks it will make people think he’s poor and worries about that. Lots of affluent people are talking about sustainable fashion etc now and buying second hand but I work with a lot of new migrants and refugees who are not comfortable to buy second hand.

Whilst we don't earn the same we take home roughly the same as DP pension contributions are double mine. However he has just got promotion so I'm re thinking things. We aren't married either which I know makes a difference.

I am concerned about the hand-me-downs.

What does he do? How does he know? In what way does he involve himself?

Mine doesn't have a clue where my DCs clothes come from! We take some of the really nice stuff from others and hand out some of ours suitable to sizes and ages with close friends.

It expands everyones wardbrobes!

I mean is he actively denying your DC wearing things they like? I presume you offer to DC first to see if they like? If he's not even allowing his DC to look at what others have offered there's something very wrong with him.

With hand-me-downs in use there s absolutely no pressure to buy more and overwhelm wardrobes further.

We discuss every purchase over £10ish and even the smaller ones are all recorded. But we are financially compatible, it must be difficult not to be.

There's some fantastic advice here, @metalkpretty and @weenurse have given some brilliant ideas.

Me and dp have a joint account for all of the bills (mortgage, car, utilities, food shop and fuel) my wages go straight in here and I take money out to pay my credit card off every month as I use that for every day spending, we have a savings account that my dp puts money into. His wages go into a separate account which I have access to, so might as well be joint 😂 and he matches what I leave in the joint account every month for bills etc. He also earns significantly more than me.

I'm the spender in our relationship, but I'm also the money controller and make sure bills are paid and we have the money for them all.

I should add that we talk about anything that's being bought for ourselves over the £50 mark.

With a vast some of money saved on the clothing, you will be so much better placed.

Aha, thick bloody technology, *sum [of money]