About to separate ... scared as hell!

[Usedusername]

I've been mulling over the situation for a while now and I've finally decided to separate from my H. He was my last chance to have DCs due to my age, so it's not a decision I took lightly. Also, I really care about him.

We're not right for each other ... I drive him crazy & he drives me crazy. It's stressful. The final straw for me was when he told me the other night that I had let myself go and that I couldn't get away with a pair of jeans I wear all the time. I cried and he apologised but for me, a line had been crossed. He told me earlier that day he wanted to separate because I'm 'not right in the head' but the body comment hurt more, believe it or not. We have both threatened divorce numerous times so ...

How do I make him see I'm actually serious?

How can I do this gently?

Is it possible/was it for you to stay civil or friends?

Any advice at all? I'd love to avoid any pitfalls and make this as 'easy' for us both as it possibly could be...

We rent his brother's house together.

Thank you.

You have no kids?

Then you discuss it once you have found somewhere else to go and leave.

You may find that both of you feel relief afterwards.

Alternatively If you are both yelling divorce at each other than neither is happy and you are playing desperate power games. Stop playing the game by setting out clearly what you want, once. That may be divorce or not, but you cannot play the divorce card at each other.

Well i gave him an ultimatum of sorts the other day. I asked him to either go for counselling or that we separate. He said he'd need to think about it. But he's been acting like nothing happened and talking about buying a house together since.

He has said divorce in the heat of the moment in anger. I have said it deadly serious but he doesn't take me seriously.

It’s okay. Take yourself seriously, and tell him.

You aren’t asking for permission - you are telling him. You can write it down, you can take him to a public place and do it there.

There is no nice way to do it. But the shittiest way is to have a terrible argument and then do it. Divorce isn’t nice but it is best served cold.

If you are renting and there are no DC, it will be easy to make a clean break, which will help any chances of remaining on civil terms in future.

Since it's his brother's house, I'd assume he'd want to stay there and you move out.

Crack on looking for rentals for yourself. If you can stay with friends or family in the interim that will help. The "living together while we're split" is the most stressful part.

As you don't have any joint assets, the divorce will be easy and you should be able to file DIY after 2 years separation.

For me personally, I've only remained Facebook friends with exes after a number of years have gone by. (Minimum of 15 years for me!) There's no exes I would agree to have a coffee date with every now and then or exchange friendly emails with. I've been single for about 6 years now and my last ex contacted me about 3 years ago just saying "Hey how are you?" I shut that MF down with some bitching texts back. Like "I'd be great if you hadn't stolen 4k off me before moving in with your new piece you fucking oxygen thief."

Plan your exit, if joint finances then open separate account and transfer half.
Gather important documents, bank statements, pension statements etc.
Find somewhere to live. Think about furniture pots and pans etc.
Then sit him down and tell him you plans once they are made.
Don’t be angry but matter of fact.
Good luck

Thanks for the advice.

I'll have to stay here for a while for a variety of reasons. I already suggested to him that we live together while preparing to split but he just doesn't take me seriously.

The relationship is so volatile. We had a lovely chat this morning and everything felt great. It made me think, 'oh maybe we can just work things out.' That's until the next nasty fight. Every time he says something nasty to me, I think, 'right, that's IT!' but my feelings naturally subside and I end up back here. See-saw...

Can anyone relate to any of that or offer up any experience or wisdom? My biological clock is ticking out and I really need to make big decisions and I don't want to make a massive mistake I'll regret.

I made the decision to leave my husband 7 months before I told him. This gave me the time to get my shit together and build up the strength not to back down. The following months of living together under the same roof whilst selling the house were the worst.

@WasFatNowThin

Thanks for that. Do you mind my asking, during that seven months did you hold strong on your decision or did you ever think of staying with him? Were ye still close? I know this depends on the relationship. Mine is the classic see-saw, not great but not awful...but I suppose it all depends on how you define 'awful' or 'great.'

I wish we could just be friends and both find true love! I know...I'm an idealist!

I kept to my decision, he wasn't nice to me, I wanted children and he didn't, he refused any intimacy - I could go on. I'm so happy now, I wish I'd left earlier.

How long have you been together?

If you have DC it makes life much harder as the tie will always be there.

If you are unsure try some counselling, as it might help to work through the emotions. I also recommend a journal as it helps to see how often you are unhappy. A marriage is supposed to be of benefit, if you are mostly unhappy due to arguments it is not worth it.
Also children make a marriage more challenging as both tired and finances drained, could you handle this?

@WasFatNowThin

Thanks. It sounds like your reasons were fairly water-tight. Good for you and delighted you're happier now.

@lifebegins50

We're together 12 years but just married for two years. I've had quite a bit of counselling and was mostly unhappy when in session. I keep a journal but only tend to write in it when feeling down, so it reads like the worst relationship in history! There are a lot of compatibility issues and he recognises this but whenever I seriously suggest splitting, he clams up and gets scared and goes back on everything that's been said.

Thanks so much for the advice.

To answer your final question about children, I'm really not sure. We have a dog together and the dog is the glue that keeps us together. I do think if we had children, I'd probably never leave. It's now or never for having children or leaving. I guess I just don't want to to be the bad guy! We live in a tight-knit community. He says lots of nasty things, suggests breaking up but when push comes to shove, it'll be up to me to make that break and he'll look like the poor victim hubby.

The more I think about it, the more I admire anyone who has gone through a divorce.

I don't know if I can do this.

Any wisdom welcome.