Doubts a few years after marriage

[LilacPrincess]

Hi I just need some opinions on whether what I’m feeling is “normal”.

I’ve been with my other half for nearly 8 and half years, married for 2 and a half years and we have two more young children.

I met him in my late teens a few months after coming out of a different relationship which ended very badly.

We’ve always been fairly happy and have a good laugh, he’s a very good dad.

I can’t really put my finger on it but lately I’ve been having a few doubts and worries.

It’s hard to explain but sometimes I’ve just started to notice we are quiet different in some ways. I can find him quite controlling in some ways (not in an abusive way) but he always seems to want to take control of situations and we always seem to follow his plans in that makes sense?

I never used to really mind this when we first met (I was 19, I’m now 28) but I don’t know if it’s because I’m older but it’s starting to grate on me a bit.

And sometimes I feel like he can be a bit critical and moan about things that don’t necessarily need to be said I.e. not emptying the bin or whatever, I know how petty that sounds but I’m the type of person where I don’t really bring that type of stuff up with him but I feel like he can’t help himself. Again it sounds like little things but he can’t help giving me “tips” when I’m cooking aswell.

He has a very good job and as he goes further in his career he will be earning very good money. I work part time and I’m only on minimum wage so whilst he has a “good job” we don’t have a lot of spare money for dates etc and holidays are out of the question at the moment.

Without being crass our sex life is fun but I get annoyed when I feel like he’s making it super obvious he wants to be intimate, then there will be nights where he barely gives me attention so I feel like he’s only super nice and attentive when we he wants sex.

I’ve also found myself thinking what it would be like to date again. I understand after years of being together it’s not going to be all exciting like the beginning but he never really says about going on dates etc which I find sad. Yes we don’t have a lot of spare money anymore but I feel like he could make more of an effort but he seems quite happy to stay in and be in a bubble at home whilst I would still occasionally like to be wined and dined.

I have brought up the date thing a few times but he always says about childcare and money but I know plenty of couples who make the effort.

I just don’t feel special anymore, it’s always myself who pushes us to go on dates. Is this normal? I worry I sound so petty but it keeps niggling me.

(Part of me is scared to consider what it would be like not to be with him anymore as I would not be able to afford a house etc on my own and we have a mortgage together)

I've been with my DH for almost 20 years and I'm 47....some of what you say sounds like issues I had years ago with DH telling me how to do things and moaning about other things not being done.

We got over it by talking. You really, really need to sit him down and tell him your issues.

Call him out every single time he tells you what to do...or moans. It took about three years for us to get over our issues...but we did.

Marriage only works if both parties are willing to grow as people.

Thank you. It is something we have discussed previously but I guess it’s just still irritating me at times.

I just feel like he doesn’t want to do what I want to do like if I suggest a tv show to watch or film (again I know that sounds petty) he will never really watch it properly and it just gets on my nerves because I feel like he’s not always willing to compromise.

His mum and dad are both re married, his step mum is lovely but sometimes I watch her and his dad’s marriage and think I don’t want to be like that.

He is also quite bossy (in my opinion) and a bit of a control freak when it comes to how tidy the house is etc (my oh isn’t as bad but has his moments).

I obviously do try my best with the house and it isn’t a tip or anything like that but I know it could be better. But at the same time I work part time and I’m usually the one when I’m off doing nice things with the kids. My oh will never really say let’s go here etc with the kids.

I’m not sure how to bring it up because in the past he’s got very defensive saying how much he does around the house (he is good) but it’s not about all that.

I think you need to go to see a couples counsellor like Relate. You are at the stage where you could avoid falling into really unhelpful patterns if you both talk about it. You would be amazed what he would be able to " hear" with a third person in the room. You too, probably.

I spoke to him, he said he is going to put more effort in with dates etc but we will see. (This has been said before but he did admit to getting a bit complacent so fingers crossed)