Please help

[Imsostuck]

I don’t even know where to start. I’m 30 years old, married for 5 years and with a nearly 3 year old and I hate my husband. Everybody I know thinks he is the perfect man, and that I couldn’t be luckier (and that I should be so appreciative of what I have) but I can’t even bear to look at him any more. Everything he does is centred around what is best for him - I have sacrificed my career to stay at home and be with our child and I feel so desperately sad and angry that I have given up my life to be with a man who only cares about himself. I don’t know if there is any option out of this and truthfully I don’t think that I would even take it if there was. I’m so trapped and I just wish I had never met him. What can I do?

Start building a life for you and say you want to go back work. Sounds like you're not talking to him about how you feel?

I’m guessing there is more to this. You are young and these days it’s unusual for women to give up work altogether.

Did you want to, or were you persuaded to?

Have you moved far away from friends and family, and felt reluctance?

LexMitior, how did you guess? I live abroad and have done since I met him. I have no friends or family here and despite desperately trying to meet people, I’m on my own every day (with the toddler as company). I even try to converse with his nursery teachers three mornings and afternoons a week but they have nothing more than polite conversation, which I don’t blame them for.

My career (or lack thereof) has been shaped around what is best for him and his work. I just look back now and it is so hard to know how I got myself in this position. It just seems to have been one small sacrifice after another, and now I feel like I have nothing of my own.

It is so easy to say that I just need to start working again, but when I have so little on my CV it is hard to find employment anywhere. I have been interviewing and I guess rightfully not getting anywhere, because realistically I have nothing to offer.

I tell him often how I feel, and he knows what I am thinking about this all, but any conversation I start regarding feelings or emotions, or the relationship, he goes into total shutdown and doesn’t talk or look at me or interact until it’s back on his terms. It’s so hard.

I’m sorry to hear this. Another question;

Has there ever been a time during your relationship when you were very upset and he did nothing or simply ignored you?

Could you start a training course or study? Do you have family who could take you in?

What do you think your partner’s reaction would be if you did get a job, btw? Happy? Or would you feel worried about telling him?

The reason I ask is that there are some men who by design of romance - and they are often very romantic to start with - get a woman to meet their needs. The woman is not allowed any needs aside from children, and she not allowed any emotions either. This sounds like you.

Ignore others who say he is perfect. Often women are like this because some fantasise about being looked after (which is what your life may look like on the outside, you have a great provider). Do other men like him?

LexMitior, haha you probably won’t believe this but I laughed out loud when I read your question; pretty much every time I am upset or angry, or anything other than happy housewife, I’m ignored. I don’t think he means it, but it’s his modus operandi to shut down in situations where he doesn’t feel comfortable, and my emotions make him feel extremely uncomfortable. I don’t know if this will make sense but it’s like I’m in an emotional relationship with myself only, because he has so little interaction with me on that level.

Category12, I have a degree and a Masters, but I have been thinking about some more practical training. Thank you for suggesting this. Sadly my family is not available to me in this way. I guess maybe that’s how I’ve ended up like this, I’ve been trying to create a perfect family? Who knows.

Thank you for taking your time to reach out, I really appreciate it.

LexMitior, truthfully I think he would be disappointed if I got a job. All the jobs I have interviewed for recently have come with the subsequent clauses (what would we do with the toddler / how could we afford the childcare etc). I think if I were to start working he would hate the fact that he is not the sole provider in the family.

He doesn’t have many friends, male or female. The male friends he does have like him, but more out of commitment to a friendship than anything else, if that makes sense?

You are a smart woman - but you need to reconcile these two statements that this is his modus operandi and you don’t think he means it.

You also have worked out you are in a relationship with yourself. You feel trapped because you have recognised you are emotionally alone.

But I suspect it has always been this way and then you get big showy gestures later. Yes?

What do your male friends think of him? Or relatives?

Would it be possible for you to return back to your own country?
Would you want to do that ?

Showy gestures is right - and all my friends / family love him, probably in truth because all they see are these wonderful moments from him. And I don’t want to take away from him, undoubtably he is a great father to our son. And he can be kind and thoughtful with me as well at times, which is why I feel so selfish for thinking like this. Half of my brain is thinking that this is a man who has given me a beautiful home and a beautiful child and should I not just be grateful for this. Am I just expecting an unrealistic relationship here? Surely my compromise in all of this can be that I lose a bit of emotional connection, in return for a seemingly great life? Even as I’m typing this I know it’s probably not true.

Mintandthyme, I could go home but I’m not sure if I have anything there to go to at this point. I’ve lived abroad for nearly a decade now, and I don’t have many connections where I’m from. Part of this all is probably feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.

Don’t get caught up in what other people think of the man in your life. After murder investigations people still come on tv to say what a lovely man the perpetrator was .
Often the ones that are super lovely outside of the home, are utter cunts within it. Only you can ever know the truth, you owe no explanations.
You are living a miserable existence. It’s also a very typical situation that lots of women reading will recognise as part of a cycle of controlling behaviour by your partner.
You are young , intelligent, isolated, probably financially controlled to some extent.
I’d also assume you were beaten down by listening to one warped view of the world and of yourself (his) , day in, day out.
This makes you feel helpless and trapped.
But the world’s your oyster, you just need to eradicate this man.
Can you go home? What access do you have to money etc?

He has to be lovely and thoughtful sometimes, because otherwise you’d be able to see him clearly for what he is. A controller. What he’s doing is dropping you little crumbs now and again to have you stay for more. Resist!

It is a seemingly great life but I bet that he is kind and thoughtful only when it serves his purpose in some way. Showy gestures are for other people - men like this pay attention to that because these actions are remarked upon favourably.

What everyone assumes then is this carries on behind closed doors. I practice that doesn’t happen. You have all the things that society tells you have ever wanted, but there is a void where you feel empty.

I think you want to feel better than just sitting in the house. Can you live on these gestures and denial of your emotions? Or do you feel yourself being angry? You say hate a lot when you talk about him.

Yes he is controlling you. I think you understand this but don’t want to feel you were taken advantage of.

Oh leatherflamingle you just made me have a little cry. I’m honestly amazed that a stranger over the internet can have more insight into my life than I’ve had myself in such a long time. Thank you. I don’t have any money of my own, and I have to ask him every time I need money for a grocery shop / nursery payment etc. This is probably quite a large reason as to why I can’t ever imagine leaving. Even on days where I would give my right arm to be anywhere else in the world, I really have no means or ways of getting there. I think I will need to find some kind of income before I can think of leaving.

LexMitior, yes I think I am angry. I’m honestly probably more angry at myself than I am at him. In many ways he’s done nothing wrong and I would wager that there would be many women who would love to be married to him. But this isn’t what I wanted for myself. I never envisioned myself ever getting married, let alone being married and with a toddler by 30. I guess I’m just so disappointed I let this happen. And I couldn’t tell you how it did happen!

Imsostuck i have pm’d you x

Actually probably not so many women.
I’ll just put my hand up here to say I wouldn’t want to be married to a controlling man.
But they all ASSUME every woman wants to marry them. It gets boring quickly.

You’re not ungrateful or unkind, you’re being manipulated and ignored in a scenario of his choosing. He doesn’t sound like a good person.

How are you doing op?