I need a more eloquent phrase for 'ahhh but, what about meee?

[GreenDragone]

Can you help? I'm considering writing to my dm who I'm NC with. I want to state that I'd like my viewpoint to be heard 'Without criticism, defensiveness or 'ahh but, what about me?' Does that make sense? I just know that her first thought will be 'yeah but'... Is there a really great way to state it?

Without her centring herself.

Stately Homes posters will have good advice on this.

It’s unlikely to make a difference how you say things, if she’s difficult and/or unwilling or unable to consider your feelings and views.

I know exactly what you mean.

I am going to watch the thread for helpful tips.

Just stick to presenting it as your perspective but not backing down that it's your perspective.

And when she says ''yeh but''' respond ''that may be your perspective but ....... repeat what you said'' I use the ''that may be, but............'' when my family do whataboutery on any point I ever make.

I wish I knew. My mother steadfastly refuses to HEAR me. I am not NC but I've given up trying to communicate anything real or meaningful.

I am nc with dm. Would never feel the need to send her a letter...
Did on the cusp of going nc as she sent me a woe is me one..
I sent back that unfortunately we can never have the relationship she had in mind.

And never corresponded again. Neither has she.

I know what she'll say, it'll be full of justifications; ahh but what about me? There was no-one to help me when you were born. You were a nightmare to feed. I had to manage it alllll alone & your father was no help. I was pushed to self-harm it was that bad etc

Well if you want to be heard then you need to listen too* so only go into it if you can bare to give what hope to receive.

*you don't have to agree and neither does she

Self-pity?

''that may be, but my needs were neglected''
''that may be but you were an adult and I was a child''.

ie, acknowledge her whataboutery with a ''that may be'' but don't engage with it.

My mother is not the worst in the world but if she hurts me (always in the same kind of way, using me as a tool to people please others who validate her more than I ever could, or neglecting/ignoring my wishes to please others) then she will rise up the full height of her martyr beast.

Martyrdom is very hard to argue with

OP, can you 'just' (I say just but it took me 7 years to reach this conclusion) reciprocate back to your mother a relationship of meaningless small talk about the weather.

Any intrusive questions such as ''are you going through the menopause?'' if you dare to maintain your boundaries can me met with ''uh, I think I misheard you!........'' and wander off, take a call, make tea, go to the loo.

If she does something really insensitive, ie, the one THING, the precise thing you asked her not to do, say ''ah well, you did the best you could, you tried your best''.

My mum has got a little bit better since I served meaningless bland banal back to her with such willingness. For years I tried to get her to SEE my point of view, understand how I interpreted her actions. It never worked.

I might add, my mum is nice to me when she's not conflicted iykwim. But if she needs to please/impress/serve somebody who matters more than I do she can be very ruthless it seems to me. But she has got a little better since I have distanced myself from her and expected zero. She feels it but doesn't know what it is seeing as she is the one who has put her hand up and refused to HEAR me so now that I never attempt to be heard, she is a little on the back foot.

Tbf I wouldn’t waste your energy. You have already heard her response. I admit I’m speaking from my own experiences but don’t be disappointed if you’re still not heard.
Good luck