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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you deal with being ghosted?

47 replies

Ghosted2019 · 24/04/2019 15:21

Had 4 dates with a man that I've liked for a long time. Things were going great, he was the one that asked me out initially and seemed really keen.

At the weekend he suddenly ghosted me. Completely NC. He's not blocked me or anything and he's been active on social media but he's completely ignoring my messages. I've sent a few but no response.

It's the not knowing that hurts the most. If he's met someone else or just isn't that into me then I'd rather him tell me but it feels really cruel to just blank me and leave me wondering. I was really starting to like him.

OP posts:

YesQueen · 25/04/2019 16:03

I get it. I was ghosted after seeing someone - I work with him

K00K · 25/04/2019 16:54

I like Prequelles answer agreed!

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 17:55

@joystir59

He isn't a twat, he just isn't interested.

He is a twat. What adult deals with it like this. Just have a short "not working for me" conversation FFS!

Block, delete and if he comes back without a fantastic excuse, alien abduction etc, tell him to fuck off.

ShinyShoe · 25/04/2019 18:27

Block him. He hasn’t blocked you so do it to him first. What an arse.

AriadneCrete · 25/04/2019 22:07

I’m in exactly the same position. I’ve been seeing him a while and actually allowed myself to get quite optimistic about things!

People who ghost are definitely twats. It’s a horrible, cowardly thing to do and most of the time leaves the other person feeling like shit.

Cherrygirl3 · 25/04/2019 22:16

Yes OP. Just started a thread about being pretty much ghosted after 18 months....if he does pipe up in a few weeks, he'll only do it again further down the line. You'll always be anxious with him now.

Dinks66 · 25/04/2019 23:06

Definitely block....they will in time come back. I've made the not blocking mistake a few times.

IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 23:09

Send one final scathing "thanks for helping me dodge the bullet that is YOU/phew I had a lucky escape there if this is how you treat people" message and then block HIM and don't look back.

Jesus do NOT do this!!!

Don’t lower yourself. He’s not interested, or he wants to fuck with your head. Either way he’s not worth it.

Delete. Block. Get over him. Get under someone else.

HelenaDove · 26/04/2019 01:11

Cowardly like Tara said. And fucking childish.

Redglitter · 26/04/2019 01:33

I got ghosted following a 12 YEAR relationship. Totally messed with my head for a long time. Even now several years later I get angry at not getting to say my piece & getting proper closure. It's a horrible way to treat anyone

Jogrunwalksleep · 26/04/2019 07:03

I’ve been ghosted too and it’s the biggest mindfuck. I think because the realisation you’ve been ghosted is a slow one and like you say you don’t know why. It’s horrible and I found it harder than regular breakups because of the ambiguity.

I think blocking and deleting helps because it gives you power back.

PlumPorter · 26/04/2019 07:17

I was ghosted once and realised pretty quickly. We'd message daily and then, after 5 months, one weekend I just heard nothing.

I started off thinking he was probably just busy and didn't contact him either - so he hadn't ignored my messages but by the following morning, I knew.

So I just sent a single message that said I understood that he'd changed his mind but I hadn't really got him down as the sort of person who'd just disappear like that.

He did actually reply to that and apologised. Basically, he'd done that thing where he'd realised it wasn't working for him, hadn't quite known how to say it and, before he knew it, 36 hours had passed.

I get it. But I didn't reply to him again and just deleted/blocked him.

I think ghosting after an actual, full blown relationship is appallingly unforgiveable but after a few dates? I wouldn't really be invested enough for it to matter tbh.

PlumPorter · 26/04/2019 07:19

And yes, totally agree with not sending a final, scathing message. If someone doesn't give a shit about you, you won't be able to make them feel bad. All they'll do is roll their eyes, laugh about it with their mates and be certain they made the right decision.

It isn't a particularly mature/helpful/kind way of dealing with the situation but that's why you don't get invested after just a few dates.

PlumPorter · 26/04/2019 07:23

I think because the realisation you’ve been ghosted is a slow one and like you say you don’t know why.

But you do know why.

It's because they don't want to be with you.

Whether that's because after talking they realised you both wanted different things; they met someone else or they just realised they didn't really fancy you afterall, it doesn't matter. And would knowing any of that actually make you feel any better? It's unlikely to be something you did and, even if it were, someone else might love that thing that you did.

AsleepAllDay · 26/04/2019 11:26

I'm petrified by some of these stories about ghosting after MONTHS of seeing someone. That's really not on!

I have ghosted someone recently. It was after one date, and my main reason is that I can't pinpoint why I don't fancy him and it was the one date! I just don't like him all that much, actually. Someone will love and appreciate all the things that made me cringe and be so excited to get those texts with smiley faces and so on... it's just not me

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 26/04/2019 11:38

I have ghosted someone recently. It was after one date, and my main reason is that I can't pinpoint why I don't fancy him and it was the one date! I just don't like him all that much, actually.

But why not just send a "thanks but no thanks" message? I don't understand why people don't do that!

OP, being ghosted is infuriating because a) you're being ignored and b) you don't get any answers or closure you need in order to move on. It can really mess with your head!

Don't send a final message, block/unfollow him everywhere and move on. Keep yourself busy and distracted. It'll pass.

Ohyesiam · 26/04/2019 11:43

In the 90s before ghosting was a thing I saw a friend of mine do this to someone very lovely. I thought it was incredibly rude and I still do. Everyone deserves a common courtesy of been told that they stand.

Hearhere · 26/04/2019 11:52

although it is intended presumably to insult the victim I think ghosting reflects extremely badly on the ghoster

lifegoes · 26/04/2019 11:57

I've just gone through this, I thought I was being ghosted and I sent a message saying so he read and ignored it.

Turns out he had a GF of 3 years. She's 23 and he's 47!!!!

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 26/04/2019 12:02

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a final message, as long as you're doing to to make you feel better and not in an attempt to change him.

Being dignified is all very well, but it can sometimes feel like they're still calling the shots- like you care how they see you. So I say do want you feel like and don't give a fuck how he judges you, if he does.

TheMightyToosh · 26/04/2019 16:51

This ☝🏻

AsleepAllDay · 26/04/2019 23:24

@IToldYouIWasFreaky he hasn't actually asked me out again. He's just texting random stuff. If he had I would be able to politely decline. If he asks or wants to know then I will explain

But four dates is more effort and I would not ghost someone at that stage - that's a stage where you are moving towards being exclusive

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