Would you date this person?

[belle40]

Hello,

I'm posting for independent perspectives on my situation. I'm 10 months from splitting from my partner and having spent a number of months reflecting on my relationship history, I'm just not sure if it is worth trying to meet someone else or just giving up on the idea of being in a relationship again. For context, this is my history:

Early 40's, well qualified high level professional. One child (pre school age). Married twice, exH 1(divorced 15 years ago) had affair after 2 years of marriage, remarried ow within a year. exH 2 ( divorced 5 years ago) very similar history to exH 1. ExP (of 4 years) split 10 months ago following his 10 month affair.

Reading this back I think there is something wrong with me. Would you date someone with this history?

Nothing wrong with you. You possibly need to look at why you're attracted to a certain type of man. It's not YOUR fault they cheated.

This will sound really shallow but it depends if I fancied you.....
I couldn’t really care less about relationship history- as long as it not the person I’m dating who has had serial affairs then I’d just think you were unlucky. But I’m also assuming I’d not know all this shit until I’d known you a while anyway so .....
As pp said, this isn’t a fault with you other than your choice in men might be a bit questionable.
My relationship history doesn’t look that healthy when laid out bare like that either. So I don’t lay it out....

If I were you, I would examine my childhood. What sort of relationships were you exposed to growing up? Were you an emotional or physical carer for either or your parents? Could your normal be "fixing", so you're attracted to someone you think you can fix i.e., subconsciously, you aren't seeking companionship, but a role where you can be useful? In looking for someone who can find "use" in you, you would end up accommodating users and abusers. Could this be a factor?

How long were you single in between the relationships OP?

I do think that at times we need to take a step back and not focus on being with someone else. 10 months isnt a long time, and I am wondering if you healed properly after your marriages, before going into new relationships.

I am not implying that them cheating was because of you, but perhaps you fell for them being a bit vulnerable at the time.

Thanks for your responses. In short I go for ambitious men, each partner has worked in a demanding (sometimes aggressive) field, but this is my family background- highly competitive. I'm not the brightest in my family but bright enough but intelligence was #1 important factor when I was growing up. I just feel such an abject failure, especially when each time my ex has immediately transitioned to a new partner. Each emphasising to me that the new partner ( or OW) is younger and much more attractive. Having pulled it back from my second divorce, I just don't seem to be able to get it together this time.

Thanks @isthismylifenow. There has always been a year ( or longer) between relationships. It is really helpful to hear other's views as perhaps I just don't give it long enough.

I dont think there is a set time tbh, I think what feels right for each person. But a year is not that long to get over something as massive as a marriage breakdown, especially in these circumstances.

Ill use myself as an example, im divorced a 18 months but nearly 5 years on my own, recently met someone, but sometimes still feel its a bit soon and things become a bit much.

I think use this time for that old cliche saying, to find yourself. As cliche as it sounds, it is important.

I don't have any amazing advise but I wanted to say I'm sorry that you have Ben treated this way

Be kind to yourself, focus on you and your child x

It's been my observation that within high-stress, demanding industries, there is often a culture of flings and affairs being acceptable - and it tends to be top down, i.e. if the most senior management team are openly shagging junior colleagues then that has a kind of trickle-down effect.

(I've observed the same with cocaine use - if the senior managers are on a night out and making it obvious they're doing lines in the loos, then the junior colleagues think it's okay and they should join in. One senior manager in one place I worked used to go to the loo during work and then come back out, sit down at her desk next to mine and casually ask "Have I got anything round my nose?" Jeez love why not make it more obvious.)

Sorry wandered off the point there, which was that you choosing partners from that environment may mean a far higher chance of being cheated on. If you do decide to try again, I'd suggest meeting people in a different way.

If you don't want to try again (I don't - been single for about 6 years, have a FWB and happy with that) then that's fine. With your DC you're not going to be lonely for company until they go to Uni!

So intelligence was #1 to your family growing up, but you describe yourself as not being the smartest - I bet you’re very intelligent & picking these alpha male type go getters might mean you keep picking the type of bloke who will walk over you to reach new conquests - the kind who are never satisfied...

As someone who used to work in media industry, ageee with what PP above say about the incestuous culture in certain high pressire industries.

Instead of caring so much about intelligence & achievements, finding someone who you click with who makes you content & happy is lovely. Is having your family’s approval of your partner important to you ? do you feel like scoring someone like a lawyer, engineer, et al reflects well on you too? Why did you really pick these blokes ?

It makes me sad to hear you describe yourself as just ‘bright enough’ but not the brightest. I personally find being described as bright sometimes patronising ! You are a smart, capable women who has clearly been through a lot of heartache & still standing, still believing in love. I respect you for not letting disappointments in your past relationships dictate your future & make you jaded.

I have pretty much that exact same history other than I didn't marry the 2nd guy - thank god!!!!
Plenty of people want to date me and I'm 50, so older than you (and my DD is now 20+)
I'm just not interested though.
I love my single life.
I'm not about to give it up for some bloke who will probably screw me over again. Or snore, or take up space in my bed, or get clingy, etc.....
I'm happy with my friends and family.
Men can get to fuck!

But there is nothing wrong with your history.
If you want to date again then get out there and give it a go!

I grew up with a narc mother and a dad that gave in for an easy life-so I ended up going for men like my mother and being my dad
I’ve had dv in all but one relationship and even then he walked all over me
I’ve been with druggies/dealers/narcs/and very nasty men
4 years ago I’d had enough and vowed to stay single I went to college and just as I finished I met the most amazing man who I’ve been with for the last 4 years (this Oct)
It only happened cos I decided to make my standards higher and not put up with being a mug
Good luck-it’s not you-just the men you go for xxx

I think you shouldnt focus on your past now.
As PP said, you didnt cheat or made them do it.
So you did nothing wrong.

I think you should rather focus on finding someone reliable and genuine and it might take time. Go on dates, have fun, get to know each other slowly and no need to tell your whole past during the first dates.

Just 1 thing, if you still feel vulnerable, not feeling very confident etc. I would advice to wait a little longer until you feel a bit stronger until you start dating again. I dated a lot of twats before I met DH and its like they can smell it when a woman is feeling vulnerable about herself. My best friend experienced this as well.
Take care of yourself and I wish you good luck

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is really helpfulto hear about other experiences. Plenty for me to think about for the future.

What prawnsword said

Similar history to you. Did the freedom programme. Married to a very different person now. Best tip I can give is work on yourself.

@Rainbowknickers interesting. You could be me.

I think you sound fabulous! Not your fault if both your exes were weak, and lacking in integrity.

Nothing wrong with you, its what a lot of people are like.
If I were you I'd just see/date men and that's it.