To go NC with my mother?

[crispysausagerolls]

I just don’t know what to do - I really need some advice. I’m just sitting here crying after it all blew up into a screaming match with my mother.

I’ve posted a few times before. To recap: I have older brothers and she treats them differently to me. The best example of this is they started a business so she gave them a huge chunk of money as a “loan”, and has let them live rent free for 3/4 years. They have recently started paying 1/3 of the market rent. I have never been given any money and I live in a flat of hers and pay full rent. She bitches constantly to me about how little rent they pay, how SIL does not work etc. I bend over backwards to treat her well and spend time with her and she treats me like shit. Last week we found out we had inherited a large amount of money and I casually said to one brother it would be great as he could now at least pay my mother back some money. He lost his shit at me, but she curiously didn’t mention it. Clearly because she wanted us to come to easter lunch, as she mentioned it today during the screaming match. Which started because she was 45 mins late to go for a walk, which I planned DS’ nap around so he wasn’t hysterical and I freaked out st her for being late. Like she is every fucking time. So she said DS is this way because of how I parent him blah blah blah - he is a VERY clingy baby and I don’t believe in leaving him to cry so not much I can do. However I was crying and at the end of my tether already as he’s teething and screaming all day so not sure why she chose today to pile in on me.

I am doing a shit job of explaining, andit youare still reading then thank you. I just feel that criticising my parenting is the last straw. As is telling me the situation with my brother isn’t my business when I’ve had to listen to FOUR YEARS of her complaining about it whislt being treated unfairly.

How stressful for you. She doesnt sound like a mum should be at all I’m sorry to say. Can you distance yourself from her and your family a bit - sounds like you need a bit of space

We are moving into our own house later this year which will help. I am just not sure how to proceed - she loves DS (although she rarely has him alone or helps out) and sees him with me often. I don’t want to kind of use DS as a pawn or keep them apart but neither do I particularly want to spend time with her or have her with him now she has been so rude about my parenting!

I think I remember your past thread? And the general advise was to move out of her flat to give her less control?

Either was she clearly favours boys (mine too) and has very clearly crossed so many appropriate behaviours with you.

So what do you want to do? Now that the dust is settling, with a clear head have a good think about how it has been and what will bring you peace.

If it’s NC then we can help there. If it’s just a break, to start putting up boundaries or just LC, all of that is doable, but I am not sure you know which you want.

Stately homes thread thread might help there, therapy with a councillor who understands toxic parents and does not advocate for families staying together will also be good, even after you have gone NC.

I am NC with mine, so no judgement there. I just understand the long process of getting there. And we are here to help once you know how you want to move forward. Or to help decide how to move forward.

My mother was the same, treated my brother better than me, when i'd had my 1st child i had it out with her first she denied it until i brought up some example's, she started crying and apologised, it was to late then, mothers do treat their son's different i've seen plenty of examples with friend's

Cross post.

My mum tried to manipulate my brothers and me I to meeting my dc a month ago. It was my knowing that she would criticise them and my parenting that made me make it awkward and refuse.

Is it wrong that I am happy others understand? I mean of course I am sad for you too, but it’s a relief to not feel alone in this.

What is the difference between sons and daughters? Tbf my two eldest brothers are treated differently to my younger brother and I. It’s a bit like he and I are the daughters.

I don’t know how to proceed. I think I will just cancel all our upcoming plans, and try to have a month or so of space. It’s very difficult for me to overlook her comments. She has also started to call DS “difficult” which I object to; as well as sayinghe is “hers”. But not hers enough to look after him alone or help me out. I just can’t get over me sitting there crying, telling her I was really struggling today, and her using that as an opening to tell me I’ve “caused all of this” with my parenting. Speechless and angry. So angry.

happyhillock

Did she explain why?

I didn’t see your other thread but babies can be awkward and if you don’t want to do the crying out (I don’t either) then you end up helping sooth the baby. I’m sorry it’s feeling a bit much today though and remember some days are worse to others.

Your mother on the other hand doesn’t sound great, although I suppose she has let you rent a flat (cheaper?) so is offering some support. Don’t think that gives her the right to be so unfair in the treatment of your other siblings though. Maybe a period of NC into LC might suit you both?

although I suppose she has let you rent a flat (cheaper?) so is offering some support

We are paying her market rent so she’s not helping - it’s actually quite beneficial to her as it means we are nearby, and also that she knows the tenants. But thank god we are leaving in a few months.

Thank you for the support re the baby - usually it’s fine but yes, on a teething day or otherwise it can be a bit overwhelming! He just hates the car and the buggy too and always has so not much can be done about that either!

I was hoping she had some good points ..: sorry she’s not even trying to help you there either! Definitely don’t blame you for wanting to go NC with her considering the unequal treatment and overall unhelpful behaviour

Mine only goes in the pram when tired, same for bouncer and sling but doesn’t mind me carrying ... luckily loves the car so that can be a nice short break. Baby sensory stuff can distract a bit and noise helps settle mine - equally I’ve just gone back to bed when it’s been a bad day with teething 😂

equally I’ve just gone back to bed when it’s been a bad day with teething

I have a mental spaniel, so this isn’t an option. I think that’s why today was all too much though. And husband works until 11pm so a bad day just goes on and on and on! But have got a dog walker talking him tomorrow so hopefully I can just go to bed if it’s similarly bad! You have the right idea

I’ve invested in a dog walker for the truely terrible days as it means I don’t feel guilt for going back to bed.

I am not really sure how to even go LC with her. We are so intertwined in each other’s lives and see each other so often. I tried a few months ago to limit contact and she refused to have a discussion with me and in the end I just went back to normal with her to support her through a crisis.

Your mistake was you tried to have a discussion. And how convenient, a crisis happened.

If you go LC , dont tell her, just be incredibly busy, turn off any voicemail so she can’t leave a message and ‘break your phone’

We are supposed to go to an appointment together on Friday - do I tell her she’s not welcome or do I assume she has understood?

What is the appointment she’s coming along to?

I am getting a dress made for a black tie event this year and it’s the same dressmaker who did my wedding dress which she paid for tbf and came to all the fittings so they are extremely friendly and she wanted to come along to this. Very silly appointment. But I don’t really see how she could come along given the current situation and how we left things.

Is your mother likely to contact you about the appointment, or just turn up there on the day/time?

Contact the dressmaker and rearrange the appointment to another time.

You allow your mother far too much control and input into your life but I think you’re starting to realise that.

You don’t need a discussion about limiting contact - you just take action and do it.

We were going to meet st her place and a family friend is babysitting DS which I have moved to my place instead so I think she is bound to realise.

Yes, I have allowed her far too much input and control. Times need to change.