NC father sending cash for my kids. I am seeing red...

[UnlikelyRed]

I posted this in AIBU but I am so angry and upset about it, I need some perspective. Sorry for repetition, hoping to share feelings with others on this thread in a similar situation.

Alcoholic, abusive, vile father, a lifetime of being controlled and manipulated. He has ASD which has made him do some odd things but he has been unsupportive, disinterested, detached, and nothing short of a complete pig to me since my mum died when I was in my 20s. I went NC about 2 years ago and moved house, he doesn't know where I live. If it makes any difference, parents are from a close-knot immigrant community (think Greek, Asian, etc) where everyone knows everyone's news and where nicer families pull together and actually help each other. He cannot STAND that I went NC. He has my mobile number and leaves me really nasty, cruel messages. These say things like "when you die, can you tell your grandmother.... blah blah blah". He rings me up drunk, singing horrible songs about me and when I die down the phone. I blocked his number but his voicemails come through. I only listed from time to time, when I want a reminder of why I am NC with him. Sadly, it has also meant going NC with the rest of the extended family as they can be anywhere along the range of helpful/toxic, which fuels my trust issues (that's another story). He is delusional, and on some level I can blame his illness. But fuck it! Why am I the punchbag?

He communicates with my kids via my brother, who with his wife, enable him. They moan about receiving similar phone calls, but diminish my pain "Oh just ignore him". They have no idea of the pain of his vitriol. I now tell them that this invalidates my pain and the fact I am still being abused by this vile animal.

Just read a text from SIL. Only got past the first few words "Hope you are well. Dad sent some cash for your DCs for Easter gifts..." I can't even open the text.

WIBU to tell them all to fuck to the fuck of nowhere and leave me in peace?

Poor you - change your phone number and only give the new one to people you can trust. Sorry that this has happened to you

Thanks, Marcus It's not so much about the number - he is blocked on my mobile and I only listen to his messages every now and then, when I need to remember why I blocked him. It's the fact he tries to send cash.

In the past, brother has handed it directly to my kids so I can't say anything. This time, they couldn't do that. But saying "just ignore his messages" while then passing on money from him is ridiculous and fucking enabling. I can see I have to have some sort of heated discussion with my SIL who seems to be the bigger of the two enablers.

It's opened up a whole cycle of upset. I have worked so hard in counselling to get over this.

Why haven't you just changed your phone number? I know it's inconvenient but just do it.

Tell her to either give it back to him or donate it to the NSPCC

I changed my home phone number and he doesn't have it.
I kept my mobile number but blocked him. He has only run it 7 or 8 times in 2 years. I have listened to 2 of his voicemails in that time.

Keeping him on the same number has given me a way of monitoring what his behaviours are. You know, just in case he were to get in touch with a simple 'sorry' or some sort of remorse.

I will tell her to give it back to him. Maybe it is time to change my mobile number, yes...

No heated discussion needed.

Quick text to sil, "It is inappropriate for you to involve yourself in the relationship between my children and their father please stop".

There is no need for you to justify or explain yourself to her, so if she ignores your request change your phone number. You may need to go no contact with her and your brother for a while until this dies down. Refuse to engage in discussions about your ex and your parenting choices with her.

Remember Your stuff, my stuff,, their stuff our stuff.

This is not her stuff.

Sorry you’re going through this torment. Can I ask how you know he has ASD? How/when was he diagnosed?

Any adult I know who is on the autism spectrum while can be seen as emotionally neglectful, don’t show traits of being abusers. He sounds very calculated & nasty. I do not mean to question his diagnosis as such, because don’t know that many adults with ASD & everyone’s different - but having just escaped an abusive relationship where my abuser pretends to have a diagnosis of schitzophrenia to excuse his abuse & having an interest in mental health/psychology, find his abusive behaviour you describe + his autism diagnosis very interesting...

abusers from everything I know tend to be more emotionally cunning, rather than autism which is more being socially/emotionally unaware, as they are wired differently (again mean no offence to ASD people or parents with ASD kids).

Why do you think he is sending cash ? Is it to appear to look good to your family who are enablers ? So they will see ‘proof’ he’s ‘not that bad’ & side with him ? How come he doesn’t pay child support via regular methods ? Maybe you could put the money in a trust bank account for when they turn 18 for help at uni / buy a car one day or something ?

I know that doesn’t really help your situation now & it must feel so unfair for your family to not be more supportive of how you feel about him. To be chummy with your ex must feel like such a betrayal.

It's the OP's father not her ex surely?

I understand why you feel the need to monitor him, could you get a new mobile number and take the SIM for the number that he has and put it in an old mobile phone that you no longer use.
That way you can monitor him whilst symbolically separating him from the rest of your life, that might be a good way to stop him taking up too much headspace?

He sounds unbelievably dreadful, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

Do you want your SIL & DB in your life? The simplest thing would be to dump the lot of them, change your mobile number and live without them but I realise you may not feel able to do that.
If not then put the money away for the dc and don't acknowledge it.

Yes, to clarify - it is my father, not my DCs's. He's sending money for his grandchildren "to enjoy".

prawnsword He was diagnosed a few years ago. I'm confident of the diagnosis, although it doesn't mean anything, really, just whether I choose to attribute his behaviours to his condition or to his being an arse. I think it may be possible to be both on the autism spectrum and also an abuser. His attempts at being manipulative/cunning always fail because he can't read people properly. I think his alcoholism is key, tbh, and the bigger problem.

Good question about why he's sending cash:

• to look good to family members
• to assuage his own guilt
• he thinks he can buy me/my children
• perhaps some belief that he is 'passing on' my mum's half

I have considered the trust fund etc. but I don't think I want to do that. I've protected them from him until now.

Hearhere That is something I was considering doing next - new number but keeping the SIM card. It helps me to stay hypervigilant and knowing what sort of state he's in is a part of that. Thank you for kind words. I've worked so hard to get myself into a safe space.

@AlunWynsKnee oh dear, think I need a nap ! Am not sure how I interpreted this as child’s dad, not the OP’s father....

AlunWynsKnee

Do you want your SIL & DB in your life? The simplest thing would be to dump the lot of them, change your mobile number and live without them but I realise you may not feel able to do that.
If not then put the money away for the dc and don't acknowledge it.

That's the crux of it. I've gone as LC as possible without offending or breaking cultural norms. I feel like I can't dump DB as we went through so much together when our mum died. My DCs love their uncle and he does understand, on one level. We have occasions where we grow close over it, but then I get nothing from him. I think Sil henpecks him into creating a happy family, which obviously doesn't work, no matter how many times I tell her about our father's vitriol.

I think the way forwards (now I have cooled down a bit!) is to ask her, respectfully, to give him back his money and not accept it from him again. Maybe she feels caught in the middle, he is quite forceful and aggressive.

Unlikely I understand. You often see it here where someone thinks they should maintain relationships with their partners family so that their dc have grandparents even when the partner really isn't keen.
Any chance your DB would take responsibility for investing the money for your dc so you can be left out of it?

I think I would be making some sort of effigy of this man and having a symbolic funeral, I would see it as a way of programming your unconscious mind, a way of responding to his awful behaviour and his songs about your death

Furthermore when you get a new SIM card imagine that the old SIM card represents your father, as you take him out of your phone you're taking him out of your life.

Then put the old SIM card into an old spare phone imagine that as you do this the SIM card represents your father and youre quarantining him, putting him in a cage of some sort as represented by the phone.
I'm suggesting this as a kind of ritual to help calm your unconscious mind and help you to feel safe but not suggesting it would replace practical real world measures.

Thank you. I must admit, I had a little cry.
The rest of the message from SIL said he gave her money "so I have written a cheque and sent it". WTF?! Wrong on so many levels.

Apart from the obvious enabling/him setting us up for a rift, how do I know the cheque is for the same amount he gave her?

I hate the fact I have been drawn into this shit.

Hearhere A family of effigies. They are all a bunch of toxic fuckers.