Relationship Anxiety/ OCD

[dragonflyflew]

I have anxiety, particularly around relationships. It’s vastly improved over the years, especially since learning more about meditation etc.
I’m in a pretty new relationship, I posted on here before re: when we were moving from dating to something more it transpired he’d booked a trip away with several women including his ex partner. At the time it caused me great upset and panic and we went our separate ways.
The trip was cancelled, nothing to do with me, external circumstances, and we had a big discussion about boundaries and moving our relationship forward with a greater understanding of each other but rightly or wrongly I feel it has made him slightly ire guarded.
So...festival season is upon us. I’m not a big fan and circumstances mean that they are difficult for me to attend anyway.
He’s a huge fan and the first one is coming up next weekend.
It’s suddenly brought on feelings of panic and I’m ruminating on who’s going to be there and if he’s going to be unfaithful or tempted to be.
I know he’s met several of his ex partners through these events and they’re all part of a larger friendship group which is a group of pretty wild folks!
I’m trying to stay focused and present but my general anxiety and ocd thinking has overtaken me. I don’t want to cramp his style at all by telling him about my panic. Plus I want him to feel able to talk about his time and include me in talks about his plans for the weekend without feeling he’s treading on eggshells.
This feeling is very familiar and has overwhelmed me countless times in past relationships and I can Waste whole days and nights on the ruminations.
This is what I grew up with too. An insanely jealous and obsessive mother who fixated and fixated on men and as a child I was often dragged into this behaviour and made to take part in her spying etc.
I just don’t know how to let go of this entrenched and learned behaviour and thought patterns. It eats me up inside and is debilitating. It’s 230am and I’ve got work in the morning plus kids to care for etc.
Please help me to reset myself!

Is he actually the right person for you? You split up over something that was resolved by external circumstance, not by working it out together. So the issue is still there.

Aside from that, are you getting support with your anxiety and OCD?

@dragonflyflew - if he wanted to cheat, he would do so. The amount you do or do not worry has zero effect on this.

OCD is a sod. Keep busy busy busy. Or ditch him and be single, men aren't worth any level of angst. As women with established careers and DC we can see them as optional fun extras, definitely not something to worry about!

Hey both, I am reading and absorbing your messages thank you.
category12 very astute! Yes it was external factors but it did then foster a huge dialogue about boundaries and honesty and it marked a big change in our relationship from dating to becoming a couple.
he is very clear that he is committed to our relationship but festivals is his ‘thing’ , all his friendships stem from these two particular events, one of which happens at least twice a year. his best friends are the organisers and attending them (approx 3-4 a year) is the main way he gets together with all his friends.
He’s invited me to all of them but I don’t want to go, there are a couple of smaller events I am interested in and we’re going together so some of these people will be there.
I don’t want to ask him to change such a big part of his life and he has assured me that he’s not a player. And knowing him how I do I believe him but my monkey brain says otherwise.
We are in constant contact and when we’re not in contact we’re together so I know he is not cheating.
He has a lot more to offer than just festivals. We do lots together and have great conversations and connect together on so many things. I feel like this is something I need to deal with.
I ended things before because of these feelings and then we got back together with a much more definitive picture of who and what ‘we’ are.
quickquestion I agree. When we met it was purely fun. I saw him as a party guy and he’s very attractive and great fun plus great conversation and the sex was awesome. I had no interest in a relationship but things changed between us as time went on.
I guess the moment it could have safely ended before anyone got too hurt has passed. I was clear on my reasons for Leaving it behind but then the dialogue continued and of course we had a reprieve by the event being cancelled. And the consequent discussion made me feel safe and heard...
Obviously I can’t rely on divine intervention every time!
I could tell him that I’m feeling anxious, I think he’d understand as he said he understood last time I expressed these feelings and assured me that he’d feel the same way if the tables were turned...
I don’t want to express it to him tho, maybe for fear of feeling vulnerable or because we have already covered all this and we have both agreed our boundaries and discussion with him brings everything back up again?

category12 I have seen various professionals over the years, some have helped me to rationalise things.
I have had two particularly good therapists who were helping to unpick this stuff. One left to have a baby and the other left because of funding cuts. I couldn’t get on with cbt and I do feel I need professional help but after the decent therapists I was keen to continue the process and I saw some charlatans who really didn’t help and I’m not keen on starting again with a new one who might be another damaging ‘therapist’. I do believe I need help tho as this will always happen if I persist in having relationships as I like to have a busy social life myself, independent from any partner and expect any partner to have their own life too as well as having a life together.
I have had emdr before for past trauma and it was amazing. That was free on Nhs due to ptsd but for something like relationship anxiety there’s no way I could access it free or even low cost but I’d love to as I found it so beneficial.

Update: I have contacted a local therapist today, feels positive.