I have NCd for this. I need some straight thinking and encouragement, as my relationship with DP looks likely to be coming to an end after many unhappy years. I think I am in shock, and am finding it hard to focus on how to move ahead.
Brief outline:
Together 16 years, 2 primary school aged DC. Both professional work in public sector, on modest salaries.
DP has always been 'difficult', despite being capable of projecting a charismatic and dynamic front when necessary. Very particular about how he likes things, and incredibly inflexible and unable to cope with changes of plan or transitions, resulting in moody retreats to his room, sometimes for whole days, and long spells of the silent treatment. Relentlessly dissatisfied. He has suffered long bouts of depression as well as severe anxiety, a couple of psychotic episodes, suicidal ideation and periodic self-harm. Although he has never been physically violent, some of his behaviour has been really scary and intimidating. Obviously not like this ALL the time, but I am always aware that 'the wind might change' when we're in a better place.
Like so many women, I have spent hours online trying to determine how much of his behaviour arises from his ailing MH (he has received therapy and medication for depression and anxiety) and to what extent he is using his MH to beat me over the head and get me to 'try harder'. I have lived for years riddled with guilt, feeling like I can't get anything right, that I should dig deeper, be more supportive, foregoing so much, perpetually in the dog-house.
As for the DC; he has a massive dad ego, priding himself on being this great parent, but not seeming to get that the DC suffer his moods and unpredictability too, even if it is 'just' directed at me.
Following a bleak Easter, he has decided that he has had enough, and that he would like us to split up. Last night he presented two scenarios;
a) we either sell our house and divide everything 50-50, which is how we have always paid for everything, meticulously. Neither of us would end up with enough to buy again, so would be looking at privately rented accommodation out of area, or
b) he leaves, and I stay in the house with the DC, and the mortgage is signed over to me (providing I can find a willing lender). As I am not in a position to buy him out, he would take our joint savings, amounting to approximately half of what he would get in a sell and split scenario. His solution to this is that he does not pay child maintenance.
I am reeling and overwhelmed, and don't know where to start. My gut instinct is to stay in the house; I will never be in a position to buy alone again, and the DC would hate to move. But I feel so guilty. I recognise this is how I have become conditioned, but it is like a bubble I can't get out of, and it is really clouding my judgement. I am aware that the child maintenance would amount to a lot over the coming decade, but if that is the price of staying in the house and relinquishing financial ties, I am sorely tempted to accept. I think I could just about manage without a financial contribution from him (given his salary, I am not sure it would amount to much anyway), but I know it isn't 'right'. I am not even sure that one is allowed to formally forego child maintenance / not pursue it?
What do I need to do next? As we are not married, I think we can pretty much organise things as we see fit, but I honestly feel like I am in a fog. Can someone please offer some encouragement and practical advice for things I need to be doing to move things along in the next couple of days and beyond? Some insights, and things I mustn't overlook? I feel I just can't afford to mess this up.
A bit longer than I intended, but as I said, reeling.