Help me leave my relationship

[CantDoThisAnymore1]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I love my DP but we are not sexually compatible.

He only wants sex once every other month whereas I want it once or twice a week.

After nearly a year of trying all sorts of compromises, I have realised that I cannot carry on. It’s affecting my mental health and I am getting increasingly depressed and frustrated.

But I love him. He is a good man. I adore him as a person, he is my best friend.

I need to leave though. The idea of living a practically sexless existence makes me want to die.

How do I leave? I’m so scared that I’ll never meet anyone else as I’m in my mid forties.

Does he know that you are at the point of leaving him over it?

Yes he does and he is devastated. We were supposed to have a romantic Easter weekend together but he came down with a migraine which meant that I ended up looking after him instead.

I feel like I’m a bad person because I resented having to care for him. I’m not accusing him of faking it because I do think he was genuinely suffering but this happens a lot. Especially when we make time to have intimacy. I can’t do this anymore.

Start doing the very practical things to un-entangle your lives. Maybe you can separate quite amicably and keep a friendship.

You're not a bad person.

Am I doing the right thing though? I feel like I’m throwing an amazing person and relationship away just because of a lack of sex.

And maybe in a few years I’ll stop wanting it as much myself. I’m terrified that I’ll look back and kick myself for ending the best relationship of my life.

But right now I feel like I’m going mad. I miss feeling desired and the passion of intimacy.

Would he accept an open relationship?

Am I doing the right thing though?

I have realised that I cannot carry on. It’s affecting my mental health and I am getting increasingly depressed and frustrated.

The idea of living a practically sexless existence makes me want to die.

right now I feel like I’m going mad.

I rest my case.

No, he won’t accept an open relationship. I brought it up and he got very upset. He feels terrible about the lack of sex and says he understands, blames himself. And we make plans for a romantic time together which always ends with his being ill with a migraine which he apologises for and I feel horrible that I am angry with the situation.

Thanks for posting @SandyY2K but I’m actually asking for advice on how to leave, not whether I should.

Very convenient migraines.

All very well being very upset about things, but doesn't make any difference if he's not willing or capable of making changes.

There are no guarantees leaving will let you find someone who matches you. On the other hand, if you stay, you know exactly what life will be like.

But it's wonderful feeling desired and desiring in return.

Life is short, op.

How is to start practically. Untangling financial stuff, sorting out a new home for one of you. Him being deveststed isn't important, you aren't sexuality compatible. It's nobodies fault. It's not fair on either of you.

It’s just so hard. We love each other dearly. But I am constantly frustrated and upset because I need to physical intimacy of a relationship. I feel like we’re friends not lovers. He does enjoy sex but only every few weeks.

I have already separated finances in the sense that I’m looking for somewhere else to live, I’m happy for him to keep the tenancy on our home. I’m the one leaving so I think that’s only fair.

But it’s the other stuff. The emotional bond we have that is so painful to leave.

I feel guilty because he is also struggling to come to terms with his declining sex drive. I feel like I’m kicking him in the guts when it’s difficult for him too.

Is he a lot older than you?

No we’re the same age.

We’ve been together 5 years and I’ve always had a higher sex drive but in the last 18 months or so his has dropped dramatically. Testosterone levels are normal. He just doesn’t want it so much anymore

Does he have any kind of medical problem? Or psychological problem that he could get help for?

You’re doing the right thing. You’re unhappy and potentially have another 50 years, you can’t live like this, it’ll totally destroy you.

Do you read? There’s a novel - Five Days by Douglas Kennedy. It’s not going to be winning any awards (as not as good as his other books), but I think it might help you work through a few things going around in your head.

I think it would be best if you went to stay with a friend or family member while you’re looking at a place to rent/thinking about your future. It’s too hard to live in the same house.

It’s a good opportunity to stop and take stock of where you are at and where you want to be - with work, where you’re living, what you want from the next 40/50 years.

Read the book, I’m sure it’ll help.

It’s hsrd to say whether he has a specific medical problem with regards to sex. He suffers from migraines which often flares up when we plan romantic nights in or away.

Whether it’s psychological or not, I don’t know. I’ve suggested counselling but he is reluctant.

Presumably he's discussed it with his GP? I'm no medic but maybe he's got high blood pressure? (Clutching at straws, I know!)

Thanks @Singlenotsingle I appreciate your posts. But yes he’s been checked out physically including his migraines which the GP seemed to be a bit dismissive of to be honest. Gave him medication which works periodically but it still flares up especially when he’s stressed.

I understand how ugly and unwanted the lack of sex can make you feel. It seems a shame to throw away a good relationship due to the lack of sex, but if it's impacting on your mental health in any way, then leaving might be your only option.

Migraines often come on during times of stress..
Do you think that's what happens?

Does he just not enjoy sex?

It does seem a pity, but if it's causing you both distress, then perhaps you must end things.

He does enjoy sex. But his drive is less than half mine in terms of frequency.

I keep myself in shape and one of the reasons for my increasing frustration is that there are at least 2 other men in my life who have explicitly expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with me and I feel resentful that I am staying loyal to a pretty much sexless relationship.

I am not kidding myself that I am in anyway a sexual goddess. Especially at my age. But, I need more than what DP is offering and the lack of desire on his part is making me feel resentful that the tail end of my sexually attractive years is being thwarted. I know. I sound horrible don’t I.

Does he not have medication for the migraine? He should be getting it before it gets bad?
I have terrible migraines and when untreated I'd never want sex as you can't when in such pain.

Can the doctor not help at all ? Is it a sudden thing the drop or has he always not wanted much sex ?

He’s never really had a big sex drive but he does enjoy it as part of a loving relationship.

I miss what I’ve had in previous relationships where we had sex for its own sake as well as for intimacy.

I know that neither of us is right or wrong in our view of sex but that it is just a fundamental incompatibility that we have. What makes it difficult and painful to leave though is that we do love each other dearly. But I am going out of my mind with frustration at the lack of sex and the more I get frustrated the less he wants to do it which is understandable.