What saved your relationship?

[Sharpieshed]

For those who have been at the brink of separation from their DH or DW due to selfish or thoughtless behaviour, but managed to stay together through him realising his behaviour or him deciding to make an effort/ change his or her ways.

What made him change?
Or what saved your relationship?

I've been advised to talk to him (doesn't work), to try and start living my own life more (a bit like he does) or to stop cooking/washing/cleaning up after him.

In reality, I'm unsure if any of these methods actually work!

Does anyone have a positive story of relationship survival to tell?

I hope they’re worth the effort. I know relationships aren’t all plain sailing but should it really be this hard?
I hope they appreciate you.

I'm not really sure why anyone would change their ways when they've got their "Mum" to tidy up after them. I never found a change. I was once in a similar position to you. Resentment happens when you down tools.
I found a new "grown up" man whose on the same team as me. Joint effort. Can highly recommend it!
Don't waste your effort on the old one.

I read somewhere that love is not just a feeling, it’s a choice.

You choose whether or not you want to be apart of a partnership, or whether to do whatever you want despite the hurt it may cause the other person.

He knows you are unhappy, but he is all right with that and happy with you doing everything for him. That’s his choice.

Your choice is whether or not you want a man who is happy with his choices.

We went to relationship counselling, and among other strategies ended up dividing household responsibilities in a way we both felt was equal. We also started doing bits of the other’s jobs, e.g. getting in washing or emptying the dishwasher when these weren’t part of our normal roles. I’d tried to instigate this myself but it took someone impartial to oversee it before he got on board with it.

Things are so much better now! It was a tiny change in the grand scheme of things but we both feel better supported and more valued, and this has helped other aspects of our relationship.

I told him I had had enough, that our relationship wasn't working for me. I hadn't meant it to come out at the time I was in the process of getting my ducks in a row so to speak.

He was absolutely shocked, hadn't seen it coming which shocked me as I assumed he must be as unhappy as me as his behaviour to me was awful. Think general rudeness, disdain, short tempered with me and the children, silent treatment etc..

He promised to improve his behaviour. We have 2 children and if we didn't I would have just gone but I agreed to give it some time. I think I probably had 1 foot outside the relationship for about a year afterwards as honestly I didn't think he would really change. But he did, that was 5 years ago and like everyone else we have our ups and downs but the specific things that had pushed us to the brink have gone.

He still has his grumpy moments but he is much more appreciative of me and the children, really makes an effort with us all and most importantly we haven't had a single episode of silent treatment in the last 5 years.

I honestly do think it was a wake up call for him. His family dynamics are a bit dysfunctional, passive aggressive, not talking about problems and silent treatment are how they do it and to him this was how people normally treat each other in a family . He had to learn to check his behaviour and consider the impact on others (not particularly difficult as being on the receiving end of his own families poor behaviour meant he could truly empathise).

I am so so glad I stayed, we really are happy now and tbh I think that dh is much happier as he has learnt to deal with stuff in a more proactive way, we talk about stuff more and we are both make the effort to say and show each other how much we appreciate them. Our home environment had become toxic and exhausting for us both even if he couldn't see it.

Sorry that turned into quite the essay but it can be done.

managed to stay together through him realising his behaviour or him deciding to make an effort/ change his or her ways

People like this only change when the negative consequences of not changing outweigh the benefits.

So if your partner is getting all his needs met by you running around and picking up after him, and the only price for that behaviour is that you occasionally blow up at him and get upset, then that is a pretty sweet deal for him. It's worth your occasional bouts of nagging, crying, going on strike, etc, because he only has to make a token effort for a few weeks, then things go back to normal.

If you want to affect permanent, lasting change then you have to really mean it that you will walk away if things do not improve. That way you are guaranteed change - either the change of him pulling his socks up, or the change of being free of the lazy manchild.

The only thing worth doing is getting YOUR life sorted then telling him you are leaving and mean it, it CANNOT be an empty threat. IF he ‘sees the light’ and wants to try again, then fine, but be ready to actually go the minute he reverts to type. If HE wants to go to counselling fine, agree to go, but leave it to him to arrange etc. You’re ready to leave because he hasn’t changed in the past, he’s ignored you, it’s up to HIM to do what it takes if he wants you to try again.

@chillimum that sounds v positive for everyone that your DH managed to change. What did he do to help himself/instigate change?

I have been telling DH that I am unhappy for a long time. I am now telling him I am ready to separate but I'm not being taken seriously I don't think, although he says he thinks this would be for the best too. I can't leave and he will have to until the house is sold, which makes him much more complacent. Also, he's still here so it can't be making him think too seriously about it. I am sure that if I packed a bag tomorrow and rented somewhere for myself and DCs, he would actually be mortified. But I'm never going to do this as I can't do it financially.

I suppose it was because I had seriously had enough. We were in the process of buying a house and I told him I wouldn't go through with it and I had started applying for jobs nearer to my parents. I wasn't making a threat I had made the decision to go.

Going back on that decision was probably the toughest one I have ever made. My heart really wasn't in staying tbh I just felt I owed it to the kids to try so for about a year I was quite distant and still expecting it to go pear shaped. I think it showed and so he had to fight for us. By the time I was both feet back in we had created a new normal.

I think you really do have to be prepared for it to be over if you want to really shock him. It's one hell of a gamble if it's not what you want.

He changed his attitude and selfish expectations - I do notice the odd bad day he slips back but overall huge improvement.

Our issues - financial mess (gambling, spending money like water etc etc), selfishly puts his needs above mine every time (in terms of I paid for everything and couldn’t even get a bloody hair cut whilst he spent his money on crap) and he got himself back into debt despite me bailing him out and paying for everything ... when I fell pregnant he then announced he would accept a 3 year contract which takes him away constantly and means my career would suffer despite me already sacrificing so much for him....

I told him at 4 months pregnant that with him being so selfish, we would start divorce proceedings once the baby was born. I started sorting out selling our house, and checked my mum would be willing to take a sabbatical to support my career in the short term and arranged other child care. He realised working a few weeks I was serious and he worked on his own attitude and behaviour. But I’ve walked at the start of our relationship so he knew I was serious.

He’s still terrible with money but not quite so selfishly considering only himself, and he actively tries to support me having some time to myself and going back to work.