To stop Ex H having contact with DC for now?

[TrigglyPufff]

Long story, will try not to drip feed.

Ex h and I have 3 DC ages 8 to 14. He drank heavily. We separated 5 years ago.

He went off the rails and introduced the DC to 5 different women in a year and continued to drink heavily and smoke weed.

He then got together with a woman who lives a few hours drive away and settle down, they had a child. DC were devastated when he left but he continued to see them every other weekend.

He would often be abusive to me if he didn't get his way and point blank refuses to co parent with me.

He told me the other week that someone had crashed into his parked car and that he wouldn't be able to have DC for as long as he'd told them he would over Easter and that he'd split up with his gf and had nowhere to stay with DC... He blocked me on the phone when I questioned him(he often does this). I contacted his girlfriend to ask what was going on and the floodgates opened and our text conversation lasted all week.

Basically he's been drinking very heavily and smoking a lot of weed, was caught drink driving after crashing his car really badly (rolled off the road and lost the back end of it!), has been very abusive to her and looks like a heroin addict. He also lies continuously. Over Easter he told 13 year old DD she could have a vape and he'd let her watch game of thrones and other random weird stuff.

The DC have said they think he's 'addcited to alcohol', although he tells them he's now stopped drinking. His GF (now ex) has told me he's started smoking weed heavily and god knows what else.

I've tried to contact him but I'm still blocked on his phone. I do not feel comfortable with him in sole charge of our DC and driving them for hours at a time to his house. Am I within my rights to refuse access until he stops abusing drugs and alcohol? I've told his ex gf that our conversation will remain between us so that makes confronting him more complicated.

I would think so, though I’m no expert. If he wanted to take it to court you can say that you have serious safeguarding concerns but would be amenable to contact if he passes drug tests? Maybe? Could you afford an appointment with a solicitor to get some advice? It’s so hard when you’re dealing with someone like this and when he keeps blocking you. Hope you can find a solution.

Thanks for your reply. Do you think I would be morally correct in doing so?

I think you’re right to stop contact for now, like thatnovembernight said, it’s a safeguarding issue. I stopped my ex seeing our son for over a year due to alcohol and cocaine abuse, he went for mediation, I told the mediator why I had stopped contact and he agreed with me.

Absolutely no question. I ended a relationship with someone (not their df) immediately when I found out they were abusing coke and weed. To protect my DC. It's no different, morally. Because yes their df. You HAVE to protect children from adults who can't make responsible decisions. DCs can't do it for themselves. Don't question yourself or your instinct.

I wouldn’t tell him you’re stopping contact because in the long term it could go against you and make you look hostile. Is there any way you could see a solicitor about this?

Personally I would send him a letter recorded delivery if he has blocked you and you have his address or wait until he unblocks you and list all the concerns you have.
Tell him you do not believe he is capable of being in charge of your dd’s at this point and that until he can prove to you he is not taking illegal substances or an alcoholic he can have supervised contact with your dd’s.

That way, say for example he did take you to court, no one can say that you have stopped contact or been hostile. Instead you have adjusted contact to safeguard your children whilst still allowing them the opportunity to have a relationship with their dad.

That way you look perfectly reasonable. If he gets abusive or refuses to take you up on this offer, make sure you save any evidence of this in case it’s needed in future.

Say for example if he normally sees the dc on Saturdays you could say I will make the dc’s available for you on Saturday between 12 and 4 pm at X location and you will be supervised by myself or X person.

If he turns up at your house and demands to see dd’s or tries to remove them at a contact then contact the police immediately.

I’m afraid sometimes it’s not as simple as stopping contact as in the long run that could harm your case more, should it go to court. It’s about doing things the right way so that you can’t be accused of alienating the dad. But at the first sign if abuse I would escalate it to the police.

This is just my opinion and I think if you can afford legal help and advice I’d take it.

Morally - yes. He’s drinking, driving under the influence and possibly doing heroin. This is not someone who should be supervising children.
It’s one of those situations where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. He might accuse you of depriving him of his parental rights but someone else might accuse you of not protecting them from him while he’s in this terrible place. I really would see a solicitor if you can. When I got divorced I had an hour long meeting. We didn’t just discuss the divorce- we covered lots of things and I had a list of questions I’d written before I went and got them all answered. The meeting was £125 I think. You don’t necessarily need the solicitor to act for you in an ongoing basis. It’s just good to find out what your legal position is. My solicitor knew I had a limited budget and was really sympathetic and helpful.

You have had good practical advice from others already but I'm posting to say that I'm sure that protecting your DC from their father's serious substance abuse is the only ethical course of action.

Thanks for all your replies.

I’m going to contact my solicitor today but a bit concerned re costs. My partner went through a long court case regarding his dc and it ended up being a very expensive waste of time.

Could drug testing be order in mediation?

I’m not sure if it can be enforced through mediation but you can try. I guess if you ask and he refuses then it’s going to make him look bad because if he weren’t taking drugs he would have no reason to refuse, although you might be the one who has to pay for it if you’ve requested it.
I’m sure your solicitor will tell you.

You might find he doesn’t want to push for contact anyway because unless there’s already a court order in place about who has contact and when, do you think he could even afford to take you to court if he’s blowing all his money on drugs?

The ex had put you in a difficult position as she’s told you this, I’m guessing won’t provide to some sort of statement to confirm what she’s saying so all you have at the moment is his ex making up allegations and even though you know your ex well enough to say they’re true you have no proof of him doing anything wrong. I’m sure he’d be the first to say his ex is being bitter and spiteful and making up lies. And it’s word again word at this point.

I think the next step would definitely be solicitor and then drug test if he will agree to it, if not I guess he’ll have to accept supervised contact or take you to court.

I think it’s important to protect yourself in cases like this though at the moment. There’s so much emphasis about dads being denied access that if you’ve not done everything above board it could work out better for him in the long run should it get messy.

So long as you can fully justify your actions by saying you were told to proceed in a certain way by a solicitor then you can’t really go wrong.

I think to just ban all contact now when you have no physical evidence and no legal advice would be risky. And I’m not saying allow him contact I’m saying find out your legal position first and foremost.