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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has been spying on me

51 replies

ladyface69 · 23/04/2019 19:31

I've broken up with an absolute idiot of a man, last September. He is still in my house which is so frustrating as I feel like I've not made any progress. I was getting changed on Monday and realised he was watching me through a crack in my bedroom door! I feel violated and disgusted. If I was to speak to the police or someone what should I say? Is it a crime?

OP posts:
DizzySue · 23/04/2019 19:43

Get him out.

Downthecanal · 23/04/2019 19:43

Lady but your letting the creep to continue to live there for shit excuses.

When he goes out change the locks.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2019 19:43

Tell him to leave. If he won't go and gets abusive, call the police. He has no right to live there.

crosspelican · 23/04/2019 19:44

It's not a crime for which h could be prosecuted. Being nearly 70 is neither here nor there re your father - you just need to throw your ex out. Is he paying rent? I bet he's not, which is why he is manipulating you into letting him stay.

Your father can - and should - back you up. Get him over when your ex is there and make him tell him to leave before the 1st of May. He doesn't need ANY notice or "time to get on his feet".

Original poster
ladyface69 · 23/04/2019 19:44

anyfucker I am asking if watching someone like that is a crime and trying to give some context to the post. Sorry (not sorry) that not everyone can just immediately leave shitty abusive relationships and feel that they might get some support and rational calm advice from human beings.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 19:55

Being a pervert is a crime. Spying on someone is being a pervert.
Get him out.

Graphista · 23/04/2019 19:56

Black bag his stuff change the locks.

Yes it's a crime

services.parliament.uk/bills/2017-19/voyeurismoffencesno2.html

But tough to prove.

Regardless he has no right to stay in the property. Stop listening to his excuses and emotional blackmail and get him gone.

You deserve a peaceful home.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/04/2019 19:57

He's a dirty bastard regardless. Ship him out please

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 19:58

Yes it's a crime and you need to get him out of the house as a priority. What advice would help you on that matter?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/04/2019 20:00

If you won't throw him out he will continue to perve on you. And if you let him stay you're essentially tolerating his behaviour. Getting arsey with people who are giving the most basic advice you need to protect yourself is just silly.

What do you want from this thread? The police won't charge him without evidence, and if you tell them he's your ex but you don't actually want him to leave they'll be understandably Confused, if not Hmm

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 20:02

I can bring this over op. She will make sure he leaves your premises pretty quickly...

He has been spying on me
leomama81 · 23/04/2019 20:10

People are giving you calm and rational advice OP. And you have left your relationship, you are just allowing the abusive ex partner to stay in your home. The only move, rationally, from here is to get him to leave. And he does have to leave when you tell him to, as everyone has said you can call the police if he refuses.

Reporting him to the police for spying on you might get him questioned but he's not going to be taken into custody, so whether or not you go that route you are going to have to take action to make him leave. No one is saying it isn't hard, they are just saying that is really the only way this will end.

mooncuplanding · 23/04/2019 20:12

Bet he can’t believe his luck....free rent, no bills and a bird to wank over who doesn’t even call him out on it

He’s playing it well

slipperywhensparticus · 23/04/2019 20:16

Yes it is a crime put him out

Do you have real life friends? I'm not trying to be harsh but people not on the net who can come and support you?

MrsGarethSouthgate · 23/04/2019 20:21

Basically it depends on whether he is watching you for his own sexual gratification- if he is then yes, it's a crime. The police are best placed to have that conversation with him as to his motivation for doing so. Under caution.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2019 20:41

You are not "immediately leaving this relationship" though, are you ?

You said yourself this has been playing out for some time. It is also escalating. And judging from your responses you are no nearer to asking him to leave than you were the last time you posted.

apacketofcrisps · 23/04/2019 20:45

Are you enjoying the drama/don’t want anyone else to have him? Cos it’s not normal to keep him there tbh.

Bananalanacake · 23/04/2019 20:49

well If he kills himself he can't spy on you anymore. except he won't as he's saying that to manipulate you.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/04/2019 21:23

Why are you intent on calling the police instead of just asking him to leave?

It sounds as if you want him "punished" but don't actually want him to leave as you yourself can't let it go.

I suspect you're in one of those on/off power struggle relationships. The only

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/04/2019 21:27

Posted too soon 😂

....The only way to get a normal life (if you actually want that), is to ask him to leave.

If you don't do this you'll waste another few years playing these ridiculous power play games and going round in circles.

Let it go op.

CantStopMeNow · 24/04/2019 02:33

Offering to look after my dog instead of me putting her in kennels whilst I'm at uni or threatening to kill himself
I'm not buying your excuses OP.
You don't allow an ex who you broke up with 7 months ago to remain n your house NO MATTER WHAT 'REASON'!

You either change the locks whilst he's out so he can't get back in and leave his stuff outside/only let him collect it in the presence of another person/police....or you contact the police and say he's refusing to leave the house.

You'd also report his spying of you to the police....for all you know he's got spy cameras set up all round the house/bathroom!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 24/04/2019 02:41

Wanted to add that I think that he has done this before since I ended it he has become adept at sneaking around on the landing but I wasn't sure. He was definitely doing it on Monday and I pretty much have a screenshot of him admitting to it.

Sorry, how do you have a screenshot of someone saying something? And how is it "pretty much"? Can you explain this?

DeeCeeCherry · 24/04/2019 02:55

You're still together as a couple.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 03:03

This is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. How can you even sleep at night with this creep there? You let him look after your dog??! He sounds like the type who would murder your furbaby to get back at you.

Pack his clothes up & chuck them outside ASAP! Change the locks & get your dog off the property for a month or two.

I think you’re taking this way to lightly & possibly enjoying some of this drama? Does having him pining over you feel good on some level ? What are you getting out of this arrangement apart from a dog minder ?

ChristmasFluff · 24/04/2019 07:06

I would imagine the first thing the Police will suggest when you report him is that you remove him from your home. They may well offer to help do that.

What they won't do is force him to shape up and be the partner you want him to be. And while he's sat perving on you, you aren't ever going to find a person who can be a real partner for you. Or even find an independent life.

Time to decide what you want really - but own the decision. You are choosing to let him stay because he says he will look after the dog and says he will kill himself. There are so many other choices.

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