Feeling stuck in an awful relationship

[3little]

I'm a mum of 3 beautiful children. We live with their dad in a house we both own.
Their dad is an alcoholic who refuses to admit he has a problem. Recently his drinking has got out of control and although not violent he shouts and is careless with the kids when drunk.
I told him he had to stop or leave but he does neither and blames his drinking on me.
The best would be for him to go and leave our house for me and the kids but he wont agree to it.
I need to leave but have no family nearby and with 3 kids i feel i cant impose on friends. I dont know what to do. I cant sit and wait for things to get worst.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer some advise?

This sounds awful OP. Are you married, and do you earn? That affects what you could get in a separation and how likely it is you could keep the house. If you can afford it, seeing a good lawyer would be a good next step to talk over your options.

If you separate, one issue is that then he may have the kids on his own and if he's drinking heavily / unsafe with them, you probably don't want that. A lawyer should also be able to advise about this and Women's Aid might be helpful too.

There are things you can do, at least to get the ball rolling, without telling him. I haven't had the exact same experience, but I did leave my relationship and I found that making plans and doing some research made me feel more in control. We had to sell the house, but I have my own place for me and the kids now and although it's smaller it's 100x happier. You can do this.

I hope someone with experience with the alcohol thing will be along soon

Have you tried talking to him about this while he is sober? There is no point in trying to reason with a drunkard while they are drunk.

If he doesn't believe you about how bad he is start covert filming him and play it back when he's sober. It might be a wake up call for him.

Please get some legal advice, this should be your first step as it sounds like you want to divorce/separate from him and stay in the house with the DC. Divorce/separation is certainly possible, but the property may need to be sold in order to release the equity and give you both the money for a fresh start, but talking to a solicitor is the best way to get the ball rolling. You can also get advice from Women's Aid and from your local Citizens Advice Bureau. The former can give you info about separation from an alcoholic and the latter about local a decent local solicitor. You don't have to tell your DP (DH?) that you're getting advice and given the situation I think I'd aim to get all my ducks in a row first. You can do this OP. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Take it.

You can rent and claim housing benefit while the house is sold / sorted legally. People on here often say don’t leave the house but it shouldn’t affect your share if you rent for a short while and children are mostly with you and sometimes safety is more important than money. You can also get tax credits etc A friend had to leave the house and it didn’t affect the eventual financial settlement she got. You just need enough for a deposit, bills and food until benefits kick in. You can get furniture from charities / freecycle etc. Go to CAB and also look at Entitledto.com. Also speak to school about concerns his behaviour / collecting children. Schools are used to these situations. If he won’t be able to pay mortgage then you may need to negotiate a mortgage holiday (or he can get a lodger) My friends ex also refused engage with her and made things difficult with estate agents, valuations, viewings etc but they got there in the end because he didn’t want legal costs and debt which was the only outcome of him carrying on being difficult. She stopped using a solicitor until he started being sensible as it was costing a lot and getting nowhere. He was using mediation to bully her she just had to wait it out while he came to terms with it. She bought a smaller place 2 years later and is very happy now and has never regretted walking away and removing his ability to use the house to manipulate her. You need your own bank account and to make a benefits claim as a single person. Change your email passwords etc. Ask a friend to keep documents / valuables / clothes etc for you. Talk to your family and friends once you are ready to go they may not be able to help with a place to live but may be able to help in other ways. I wouldn’t give him notice you are going. Gingerbread is a charity for single parents and has info on benefits etc Make sure you are clearing your search history and calls or use a computer in library and your apps aren’t tracking your whereabouts. Assume he may spy on you / your computer / phone if he gets suspicious you are planning to go.

Op could you speak to your lender about going onto interest only or taking a mortgage holiday for a period of time whilst the house is sold. Then if they agree see a solicitor about how you can go about forcing the sale. As others advise work out your income post split including CMS and benefits. Then figure out how long you need to get a deposit together to leave. Borrow from family if needs be.

Then when your partner / ex is in relatively good frame of mind, not drunk or hungover, speak to him about separation. If you ac get the children out of the way, perhaps to your parents. Give him the option to leave or stay but be clear you are separating whatever he decides. Give him time to digest then show him that you have worked out the finances.

The best option would be for him to rent somewhere small and visit the children under your supervision. A mortgage break means he would not have to continue to pay the mortgage.