Does anyone revert to their old selves around their ex?

[Folf]

stbExH and I broke up nearly 2 years ago. He was emotionally abusive and a sex pest pretty much. It took me quite a long time to pluck up the courage to leave him.

I'm much happier now.. more confidence, lighter, brighter, more sociable. I have friends for the first time in well.. 17 years basically.. people who want my company, to spend time with me.

I'm learning who I am as a person and an adult.. that i'm not the shy, quiet introvert homebody he turned me into. I am a flirt, I do like a laugh, I do enjoy chatting, I can be assertive, confident, friendly... all the things I never could with him.

But when I see him, I just revert straight back.. quiet, timid, head down, pacifying him, soothing his ego..all the fucking time. I'm still so scared of him shouting at me, of being angry with me...

How do I stop it? How do I stay ME in his presence?

Congratulations, you sound like the poster girl for divorce
Do you have to see him because of the kids?

Hah.. I do.. wasn't intentional

But yes, we're amicable for the kids sake.

How old are they? I've found it helpful to be amicable from a distance! Once they are teenagers there's no real need to meet up at all.

they're getting to that age! they're between 9 and 14, so while the oldest is happy to make their own mind up about going to see ExH, the youngest still needs some hand-over.

There's also the issue that if i'm not friendly with Ex, he gets weird with me.. which sets off my anxiety because that usually means he's going to explode at me!

Sounds a little like you are afraid both to be yourself and to not be yourself; perhaps both of these fears allow him too much power over you, and you shouldn't feel bad about the way you act when around him? It's not surprising that you want to keep him sweet. Seems a good idea.

A few more years and you won't have to interact. That doesn't mean being unfriendly. My ex (not as nasty as yours mind) wanted us to meet once a month to discuss the kids, but I pointed out in a cheery way, with a nice smile, that a divorce meant we would gradually see less and less of one another, and that was a natural thing. (Before we split up I couldn't even persuade him to have a regular "date night" once a month, so it seemed totally mad for us to meet up more afterwards!)

OP, I know what you mean, left ex for similar reasons and there's a little bit of me that's scared of him. Yet I'm absolutely fine otherwise.

DCs have elected not to have contact with him, so he's playing the victim wherever possible to anyone who listens (so I hear).

It's getting better, as I can now mask my feelings around him (on the very rare occasions we meet). What helped me was mental role playing, so some common scenarios were worked out and I imagined how I would react. This has worked for me.

Hope you can reach a point where he can't bother you any more.