Anxiety - how honest should I be?

[Swimminguphill]

Hi everyone,

I am part of a club, but have been suffering from acute anxiety. One member of the club really doesn't like me at all (avoids talking to me, takes issue with things I say and can make cutting remarks etc.) and I get stressed out about meeting her. She hasn't attended the past few club sessions.

I have seen from the what'sapp group that she is definitely going to the next one. I have a valid excuse not to attend which I could use (work). However, I know the club organiser well and she usually wants me to attend and tries to rearrange things so I can if I have work on.

I've tried to leave the club before due to this issue (without saying why exactly, just using work as the excuse), but she has been very insistent that without me the club doesn't work. She is very good friends with the other person too.

Should I tell her I am feeling too anxious to attend? Or just say I'm really busy with work and likely to be so for a long time?

I have been very nervous about explaining this issue because I know the person who doesn't like me is really good friends with many people and also probably has more 'need' of the club than I do, as she works less hours and really invests in the friendship group the club is formed from, whereas I'm often busy. I am not going to put people in the position of having to choose between us because I am not 8 years old. I don't really have anything against her, just find being the object of open dislike incredibly triggering.

I'd explain to the organiser why you don't like going. Say you find this person abrupt and dismissive and you can't cope with it. She might be able to sort it out. Maybe the other person doesn't realise how her behaviour affects you?

Thanks single I think she doesn't really think in that way - it's hard to explain but she just can't pretend to like me. I irritate her. I could ask the organiser to sort it out but I hate being this weak. I don't want to make another adult ask someone not to be mean to me. I should be able to tell her myself, but thinking about that makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.

I can understand that. I hate confrontation too, but it would be a shame to have to give the club up if you enjoy it otherwise.

It's not a matter of her telling the other woman not to be mean, it's a matter of her noticing if she is and stopping the other woman's behaviour.

Just be straight with her, and tell her why.

Honestly is 99% of the time the best policy and you never know what solutions might appear when you confide in your mate.

Plenty of people irritate me but I'm not blatantly rude to them. You need to stand up for yourself. Next time she says a cutting remark, ask her why she felt it was necessary to be so cutting? She likely sees you as a pushover and is a bit if a bully

Thanks everyone for your replies. I do appreciate it. I chickened out in the end and blamed work but we did agree the club would go ahead without me on this occasion. It really helped my anxiety writing it down and also hearing your thoughts. I had never thought of this person as a bully or myself as easily bullied really, but that's a really interesting take on the situation.

I find that one of my issues when I get anxiety is I just want to erase myself completely and that's what drives me, not feeling angry or annoyed with a person if they are the trigger for it. So I do feel better not being there, and I know I need to address the issue but I'm being referred for help with my anxiety by my GP so hopefully after that I'll feel stronger!