Anyone else? Difficult relationship with adult child

[SaltyDogs]

I am interested in hearing experiences of others who have tricky relationships with their adult children.

I feel I am almost going through a grieving process after trying everything with my DS. I think back to holding him as a tiny baby, helping him with homework and dropping him off at uni. I did so much for him, as all parents do, and love him so much but am gradually loosing him.

It doesn't stem to any big event. He has a tricky personality and some difficulties due to the absence of his father, combined with possible aspergers. It has got a lot trickier since his girlfriend came along who is very opinionated, feisty and constantly looking to disagree. I have tried my best to be calm, chatty, friendly and positive towards her. My DS has gone from quiet and awkward but understood (lots of aspergers traits - obsessions, needing space, not a communicator) to rude, manipulative and unloving. He often ignores me or invites. His now fiance stirs things up saying I dislike DS and her, don't do anything for them etc. It is a case of whatever I do seems to be wrong! If I try to talk to them, they try to make out I am a bit unstable or over-emotional. It is all becoming a horrible reminder of the way emotionally abusive Ex-H treated me, although I try not to make that link.

I have tried being strong and assertive, I have tried being understanding of his needs/difficulties, I have tried the overly-lovely and calm approach, I have tried giving space, I have tried reaching out, I have tried everything...! But feel more and more like a performing monkey, desperate for a normal, happy, positive relationship (however close or distant).

Oh @saltydogs I am so sad to read your post. No personal advice but this article might be interesting xx

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Do you have other children?

ukgift I also have a DD who I am extremely close to, which saves me in many ways I guess. But also it can add to the guilt as my relationship with her is a stark contrast to my DS. DS and his fiance constantly moan I favour DD and I now have to bite my lip rather than explain that DD phones me regularly, visits, chats away, asks to help, is open and shares emotions, asks if I want to go on holiday with her, asks how I am... etc!
DD herself has a better relationship with DS than me but still fairly distant and finds DS tricky and hates how he treats me. She herself (without me ever mentioning it) has said that DS reminds her of her father and how he used to treat me. Which is terrifying as she was only about 9 when I split with ex-H.

moffa that article sums it up perfectly. I sometimes feel like my DS' brain has been taken over by his fathers and he now sees me like his father did. But then I wonder if I am making it all up and did do something wrong along the line!
It is a real bran ache worrying about it all and trying to make sense of it.

How old is he, and how close to you do they live?

It makes for upsetting reading because I'm sure we all hope to have good relationships with our adult children.

I think you are doing all that you can do unfortunately, since you cannot compel someone to want you in their life.

Maintain contact, even a text every few days, Tell him what you're up to, ask him about his life, enthuse about his gf, make open invitations that he is free to accept or decline. Just let him know that you love him, and make contact with you a positive part of his life. Many children 'come back' when they have dc of their own and they finally understand the significance of the relationship. Make sure the door is open for when that day arrives.

hellodarkness 28 years old and lives about an hour away.
Your last paragraph describes the situation I'm left with and how I now tackle it. Wedding planning brings a lot of things to head that I've had to breathe and ignore. I am keeping it extra positive. It is the obviously unkind and vicious things they occasionally say or do which are especially tricky (particularly as his fiance is not aspergers and simply jumping on a bandwagon stirring things up). But I just have to keep going, get on with my own life and do my best to get on with it!

No advice....but I do sympathise....I also have two adult children and have different relationships with each of them.

salty dogs This is such a sad situation but I don’t think there’s much you can do apart from follow hallo darkness’s excellent advice.

Unfortunately lots of young men seem to distance themselves from their families and rarely see them once they set up in their own family, even if they were once very close. It doesn’t help that the girlfriend is so tricky. I would concentrate on trying not to mind so much - I know it’s hard - but no amount of trying is going to help and will just give them food for complaint. Thank goodness you have your DD. You know the old saying “a son is a son til he finds him a wife; a daughter’s a daughter for all of your life”. So even in times gone by they recognised it. Try and take comfort from that.

Is your son the eldest? Are you/we're you in a new relationship since their father left? There is a dynamic going here and you are a significant part in that. Sometimes an only son becomes the 'man' of the house after his Dad leaves. To be blunt, if you were needy of his affection when he was a kid after his Dad left, then he could have felt this as an expectation of him beyond his resources. Which he still feels.
So an invite feels like you need a part of him or feels like you wanting to control him. You find it tough him being a separate person with a new woman in his life who is not you.
Did you get counselling after the abusive relationship? Again bluntly put, you have an 'extremely close' relationship with your daughter. What I see is your praise for her is all relating to a description of how she looks after your emotional needs. In a way your son doesn't. You see a child's value in how much positive attention they give you.
It's not a child's job to look after the emotional needs of its parent.
Sorry to sound harsh. I could be judging things very wrong from the limited info.

Op you might find Joshua Coleman helpful and also a site called stand alone for people who are estranged. What ive learnt is that there are particular risk factors for estrangement and that estrangements often play out in a predictable way. A high conflict partner is a high risk factor. The more you know about estrangement the better it will be for you.

Perhaps you are telling them too much about your relationship with your daughter and giving her them a weapon to beat you with? I'd be vague about what you do with her. If they are rude to you I really would come down hard on that. I'd also not be too generous financially. Christmas and birthday gifts are fine but don't try to buy their civility - I know this is often tempting to do but they really don't deserve that.

@Moffa, that is such a powerful and interesting article.

Theres a very good facebook group adult children estranged from parents.

Thanks all - lots of good advice and things to think about.

Seaweed's post is particularly interesting. When my DC were not 'adults' as such I was always so careful not to expect them to look after me emotionally or in any other way when things were tough. I don't expect that now either, but I would expect respect for your family which to me includes care, manners, a little communication and general warmth. I guess I need to think if I come across too much to DS as needy.

hellodarkness's approach is the one I am taking... Things are up and down, and I think often when something that seems a nice positive step happens (e.g. a few months ago DS came to me and talking very openly about getting engaged, wanted to tell me first and ask my opinion on the ring etc) that things are on a very positive trajectory, which can then shortly after come crashing back down! It is so hard but taking a step back, keeping busy with the many other things I have in my life and keep the door open. I also am remembering that all families have their complexities and times when someone pushes those close to them away. A few friends have varying stories of similar nature so sadly I guess it is all part of life.

I also have different relationships with my adult dc. The eldest has always been very feisty so we have locked horns over the years, whereas the younger one is very easy going. As a result she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder and thinks he's the golden boy.
What I can't seem to get through to her is that I still love her completely even though we don't always see eye to eye, and she has it in her head that I love her brother more.
I go to great lengths to make sure I treat them equally but it's hard to get her to see that my love for her is unconditional, I'm not sure she will understand that concept unless she has dc of her own.
I can't really offer any advice OP, but you're not on your own.

If steer clear of Stand Alone iiwy. They are very heavily weighted in favour of the adult child. Unresolved issues in the founder means she had a tendency to demonise all parents. Sorry to say.

Joshua Coleman is wonderful from what I hear. Very balanced and sound.

I would still call every week to maintain contact. Try to stay neutral and keep things light the call can be long or short depending on his mood. Just be there as a presence in his life. Things can change this may be a difficult patch don't distance yourself keep contact.

There's a tendency with some Adult Children, to get into a blame game about how badly done to they feel compared with others.
If comparison is the thief of joy, then I've an AC who lives her life utterly dissatisfied with everything and everyone.
It can leave you feeling utterly helpless as to how to manage their unrealistic expectations.
So hard OP.

I think you need to focus on all that you have achieved as a mother. You got them to uni and they are living independent lives now, presumably in decent employment.
Despite his ASD he has formed a relationship that he is presumably happy with?
I think I would just let him and GF get on with things and focus on the next step of your own life.
Our youngest is going to start uni next year and I am already looking at ways to redirect all the energy I have been directing into the DC for decades. I have joined a sailing club and am hoping that I can become more involved in this.
Are you in a relationship OP?
Now might be a good time to start dating and generally be less available to you DS.