He said he wanted forever, so why did he dump me?

[momnurse5]

So, i have known this guy for about 20 years. We never dated and weren't close friends but always got along well when our circle of friends overlapped. I was wrapping up a nasty, year and a half long divorce from a 15 year marriage when this guy hits me up out of the blue. When he found out I was single he told me how he had always had a crush on me and would love to take me on a date. I agreed and we had an apparently too good to be true instant connection. About a month in, he told me that he was falling for me and he could see this really going somewhere. I was a little more reserved seeings what I had just gone through (husband left for another woman) but, i felt the same way. I was a little concerned i was a rebound for him as he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship 7 months before. He assured me that this was not a rebound and like everything else, he would prove it to me. Things carried on great for the first couple months. We live about an hour apart so we would visit each other on the weekends. Or as work and kids would allow. He was concerned with the distance between us so I made sure to put forth extra effort to ease his mind about that being an issue. I was on the phone with him and was i was leaving for work one evening i told my kids i loved them and i would see them in the morning. When i pulled into work, he told me that he loved hearing me tell the kids that and he hoped one day I would be telling him that. He then confessed that he was falling for me and he hoped he wasnt the only one who felt that way. Again, i do not throw the "L" word around lightly, so with reservation, i told him that i cared for him and I could definitely see that being a thing. I thought on it for a few days and realized that i in fact was falling for him and I told him that. He gradually started making plans for my daughter and I to move there in the summer. I was receptive to it. Things were great until they face planted. He was supposed to stay at my place one weekend. My ex husband was supposed to be moving all of his belongings out of the garage that same weekend. I told the bf about this a week prior. I worked the night before and woke up the next day to find out the bf was not coming because of my ex coming to remove his things and he wanted to avoid conflict. I understood, however, i have heard from virtually everyone in my life since me and the ex husband split that they dont feel comfortable at my house because my ex might show up. I heard im not coming because of the ex and immediately got my feelings very hurt and reacted out of anger and frustration. I overreacted by asking if he was just not going to go to any of my kids functions because the ex might show up, blah blah. We both got off the phone angry amd upset. I took a step back and realized he probably didnt understand why i reacted the way that I did. I sent him a lengthy message explaining it and apologized for getting so upset. He was very short with me and pretty rude. I was pretty confused about his willingness to go to sleep mad at each other but felt guilty about my attitude. My insecurities reared and i asked him "do you just want to end things?" He said oh wow. I realized i was making things worse so i let it go. The next day i didnt hear from him. I messaged him the next afternoon and again tried to talk to him. He told me he was soaking up everything from the night before and he wasn't happy about it. I apologized and I told him things wouldn't get resolved with us not talking. I again said if you dont want to do this please let me know now so i can stop trying to fix things and told him inwas really stressing about this argument. He told me since i offered to end things twice he would take me up on it. I tried explaining that i wasnt offering, i just needed reassurance that he did want this relationship. He continued being a pretty big jerk for 5 days. I finally sent a huge message on his birthday again apologizing and telling him exactly how i felt about him and us. We met up that night (about 3 weeks ago) he told me he was all in on this and he wanted this to be forever and if there was an end he didnt want to know about it and he felt like by me bringing it up, i had a foot out the door. Things were back to great for about a week and a half. My birthday came and he went above and beyond and i was so thankful for that. I got home the night of my birthday and got a call 10 min after walking in the door that my uncle passed away unexpectedly. The next week our communication was minimal and i thought he was respecting me having so much family around. I told him a few times i really wished he could be with me because i could use a calm space and he was it. Tuesday, the family left and we talked some but it was still kind of distant. I tried to ask what the plans were for this weekend since his mom had a party we were supposed to attend together in the town that i live in. He acted like he didnt want to make plans and asked if i would be upset if we didnt see each other this weekend. My feelings were hurt but, i said no, just let me know if thats what you want to do. Wednesday i talked to him in the morning amd things were fine. He said he would text me when he got into work. I didnt hear anything else from him at all. I text him Wednesday evening and told him i hoped he had a good day at work. He never replied. Thursday morning, i sent him good morning and i got a few very short responses. I told him i missed him the night before and he didnt respond at all. I sent "babe, are we good?" A few hours later. He then called me and went off about how me trying to make plans with him every weekend was too much pressure and he didnt want any pressure and then i have "the nerve" to text him at work and ask if we're good. He told me he couldnt do this right now and for now we just need to be civil. I said ok. I left him alone completely. Today, he showed up at my house with my things as i was getting my son ready from prom. I scrambled to get his things and completely forgot his key. I rushed the interaction because i didnt want to start crying and didnt have time to discuss much right then. I messaged him later and asked if he would at least tell me why he talked about forever so much if he was going to dip over me trying to spend time with him. He asked why i didnt say anything when he was here. I called him and explained why i didnt. He told me he didnt want to have the conversation over the phone and he'd let me know when he was ready to. He told me this is 1000% what he wants and we are done. Told me to take his key to his moms and is literally acting like he hates my guts. Beside the fact that i deserve better than this treatment, what the hell happened?

IMO only he can tell you that and he won't. Just block and forget. I know it's easy for me to say, but focus on your children and heal yourself.

I agree with toomuchfaster way too much drama and you running after him. Let it go.

This was all just a few weeks in?
When he said it wasn't a rebound, he probably thought that was true. But we often think things about ourselves and change our minds later. Sounds like neither of you were ready for a relationship i any way or form. You were in constant need of reassurance after just a few weeks; he too was ready for flight the first moment things didn't look like a fairytale.

Give it all a good long rest, maybe get some counselling and ask yourself whether you were really at all "reserved".

It honestly sounds like he did like you very much but that you're not in a good place...too insecure....he won't want to be with someone who goes off at him easily...gets triggered and then asks "so shall we end it then!?"

That would put most balanced people off OP....I think you just need time to recover. This was too soon for you.x

Some people say things in the heat of the moment (such as I love you) as they get carried away and enjoy the attention. It’s a shit thing to do so I suggest you try your absolute hardest to move on from him. Don’t let his stupid behaviour put you off meeting someone else

I’m sorry but he’s not that into you.

Either he never was and he was future faking, because that got him what he wanted.

Or he did mean it at the time, but he has changed his mind.

So now you need to block, as PP said, and forget him. Better you found this out now than further down the line, when your u and your child has moved in with him.

Maybe it would help you to spend more time single, to focus on yourself and what you want, rather than all your energy being spent on him and his dramas.

I would be backing away from someone who behaved as you have done. I think he really liked you, but the drama and OTT stuff from you has made him think twice. The early days of a relationship are meant to be fun and your reaction to him (understandably) not wanting to meet your ex, was too full on.

The only chance this has is to slow down. You need to learn to give him space and time, not just keep on and on at him. He needs to learn that you need reassurance and will get more wound up by him not replying straight away.

Urgh arrogant pompous bellend. Block him on everything and start addressing him as he addressess you. Say you're "shocked you've got the nerve to turn up/make contact etc after your previous behavior".

Not a few weeks in it was about 3.5 months in that things started going south

I'm 50: to me 3.5 months and a few weeks is the same thing!

Tbh it doesn't sound as if either of you are ready to date, especially each other. I'd run a mile away from the intensity you've shown. It's far too much work.

Concentrate on your kids and yourself for the minute. This relationship ATM is going to go nowhere.

He was right not to want to spend the first weekend at your house, as the same weekend that your ex is clearing out his stuff. I would be so uncomfortable in his, yours and your ex's position that he was absolutely right to cancel. But you made him feel unreasonable, throwing ridiculous future hypothetical accusations at him, and I would think that was his 'hmmm' moment. There then followed a couple of over reactions, followed by lengthy explanations excusing your behaviour. I'd find that really difficult to live with, and wonder how bad it would be after the honeymoon period. I agree with pps, it is too soon for you to be in a full on relationship, take some time out and enjoy you/your kids without the drama.

I had a boyfriend like this...when I was 15.

This is way too much drama for a new relationship between grown adults. He is preying on your insecurities following the breakdown of your marriage, blowing hot and cold, and using you to stroke his ego. He wants you to chase him around because he likes the control and it makes him feel special. It's pathetic.

I am positive he will be back, OP. He will want to know that you're still dangling on his line. Don't give him the satisfaction. This man will never be a reliable partner. Block and forget.

I apparently need some clarification on a few points. First, i have received months of counseling. My ex and i have been seperated for over 2 years, the entire time he and his girlfriend have been living together. I have fully come to terms with my divorce. Second, the weekend he didnt show up because of the ex was not the first weekend he had come to my house. He had been there several times before. And all his belongings were in a detached garage so there was no reason for them to meet. He also had a weeks notice and could've backed out or we could've made other arrangements long before the time that he was supposed to arrive. I acknowledged i did over react. To clarify that though, my ex tried to control every aspect of my life after he left and acted like a bully. I just felt like he was somehow "winning" with keeping the bf away like he had everyone else. I did not want to hand him back any ounce of control. I can acknowledge my shortcomings and work on them. I do have a ton of insecurities. They do not all stem from my ex and the bf knew about the biggest ones. I do not mind telling anyone, i am a rape survivor. The abuse that came with that, caused me to miscarry a child. I know the stigma that comes with that. People look at you like "that girl" people do not understand so they cast judgment. I do not want them to understand as that means they have lived through it and i wish that on noone. I do not let it define me. However, i am a human and like most humans, i do have things that i cant simply "drop at the door". I am upfront about them going into a relationship because i have learned the hard way what happens when they find out later.

I had months of counselling over a couple of years. Personally, I find that every time I feel "over" my marriage, I realise months or years later that actually that was wishful thinking. I doubt I'll ever be "over" it, as it was a huge chunk of my life I spent with an image of my future that is now never going to happen. I'm not just going to shrug it off. Would be a shame if I did tbh, and would make me as shallow as my ex.

At my age, the people I meet are the same - the same as me, or this guy, or you: they all come with a big back story. But there have been a couple I've met where it just felt like they really weren't ready, and I've stepped away. That wasn't a reflection on their character. I just didn't need the potential heartache and didn't think they did, either.

To me it sounds like this guy was keen and then just got scared off by you talking about ending the relationship after a relatively minor argument, and then texting him with a similarly heavy message while he was busy at work.

He might have misread you, but that doesn't make him a total dick. For all he knew, you'd be bringing that level of stress into his life regularly. You might know that isn't the case, but he couldn't know that.

I think all this jealousy, hurt, angst and 'falling for each other' a few months in makes you both sound crazy intense.

And 'do you want to end it' sounds like a threat over text not a question... my sister does it a lot throwing around 'shall we just end it' as a threat to cause them to argue 'of course not' and be on the back foot.

I'm sorry about your marriage, and the abuse you have suffered but I don't think you are in a good mindset for a relationship - or at least not a healthy one.

Why do women always say their insecurities got the better of them? Or their insecurities basically were the cause?!
Asking where the relationship is going is not insecure it's having initiative and being in control.
Nothing to do with you being insecure. He's a fickle, immature idiot.

You sound hurt and angry about how things turned out with your ex - understandably - but your behaviour would put a lot of people off.

What if a woman came on here and said 'my recently divorced boyfriend who I've been with a few months threw a fit because I didn't want to be in his house when his ex wife was there, then tried to provoke me into disagreeing with him when he asked if we were over (even though he didn't mean it), then when I gave him some space because he had family issues he got angry at me again, oh and his reasoning is that his exwife did loads of horrible stuff so he can't help but react like that'? Everyone on here would tell her to run a mile.

Keep going with the counselling, regain your sense of self worth and remember you can't undo the bad things someone did to you, but you can work on not letting it define you or your thought processes from now on.

You both sound very volatile and not ready for a relationship, at least not with each other.

This is the sort of relationship that never survives the mundane day to day stuff.

It always has to be a struggle and dramatic and big gestures to keep the spark there.

It's great that you can open up about your past, and I'm sorry that you had to live through that, I also have a similar past, and I do find that I attract a lot of men who see me as a victim and themselves as my saviour and they get very pissed off when I'm not eternally grateful about it. I can spot them a mile off now and have been very happily single for around 2 years and don't feel like I need a man at all. If I meet a good one, great, of not, also great.

Work on yourself first, and congratulate yourself on your lucky escape.