Opinions please

[YourHandInMyHand]

I'd like some feedback. It's been levelled at me that I

• expect perfection
• hold my partner to certain standards due to my past

The standards I've said I don't want happening regularly are

• not rolling in steaming drunk, slurring and swaying in front of our kids and trying to have convos with the oldest instead of leaving him be.
• not going on 8-12 hour drinking sessions when there's a home game on.

Apparently he's feeling pressured due to my perfectionist standards and when he does go out is squeezing more drinking into a shorter window. He also is questioning if it is indeed regular. I would say yes it is, and it's closely linked to the footballs fixture list.

He's rounded off a brilliant weekend by coming home as described above, and then nodding off in our bed snoring loudly, waking at 1:30am to throw up in our carpeted bedroom.

We have a three month old (and I have a teen) and I feel like an absolute idiot. I don't want to be a single mum again but I will NOT live with the constant lingering possibility of having this happen regularly. I dont want my kids thinking this is normal. I don't want them having to chat to a drunken swaying slurring bloke. I don't want to be exiting our bedroom with our baby for the night as it stinks of sick.

Oh and I don't want to be told I'm making someone feel pressured to be perfect because of my past (boozy dad and EA ex who also liked a drink), and the fact that I don't want to be out getting drunk regularly which I'm also being made to feel I'm at an unhealthy level about.

The thing is we have a great family life except for this one issue.It seemed to get worse while I was pregnant and then things improved for a little while. I don't want to make that tough decision to part ways but I also won't be a mug and put me and my kids through living in that uncertain environment of wondering how drunk he'll be when he comes in the door. When do you draw a line?

I feel pretty heart broken to be honest, and very annoyed with myself and with him.

I'm tired, bf'ing, hormonal, anxious. Please don't be too harsh on me.

Argh sorry. There were paragraphs when I typed it!! First time using the app, will have to see why it didn't put the paragraphs in the post.

I’d draw a line at everything single thing you’ve described. He sounds like an absolute waste of space and I’m pretty shocked at how hard you’re being on yourself. You and your kids deserve better.

And I can see your paragraphs by the way.

I don't think anyone will be harsh to you,love!
He's behaving like a tosser frankly.
You have every right to be really upset. I would be.
I hate drunk men, they put me on edge as they're so unpredictable. And as for puking on the carpet. That's purely disgusting.
If he says your "high" standards are too much for him you don't have a hope.
Maybe he's not coping with fatherhood or something but he's not gonna find the answers in the bottom of a pint glass. He's being horrible.
I don't think anyone will tell you otherwise

Also, my close family member left her partner for this exact reason a few months ago. She's still working through her feelings (they have a young child who she took with her) but she was permanently on edge, some nights absolutely fine, and others he started getting very loud and verbally abusive, and then physically intimidating. She - wisely in my view - decided not to wait till something unforgivable happened

Argh my reply just deleted!

Ironically he often tells me I'm too hard on myself.

He's not in anyway abusive when drunk or sober. He's more annoying/irritating, eg trying to initiate conversation in a needy/persistent/repetitive way.

I struggle to sleep as he snores when drunk and I'm on edge that he may be sick. Though he usually makes it to the bathroom. Being sick in our bedroom has only happened once before and I'm furious about it.

Argh my reply just deleted!

Ironically he often tells me I'm too hard on myself.

He's not in anyway abusive when drunk or sober. He's more annoying/irritating, eg trying to initiate conversation in a needy/persistent/repetitive way.

I struggle to sleep as he snores when drunk and I'm on edge that he may be sick. Though he usually makes it to the bathroom. Being sick in our bedroom has only happened once before and I'm furious about it.

I'm sat wide awake downstairs and he's upstairs snoring loudly.

We had a conversation and it ended with him whole heartedly apologising and saying he understands if I want him to go but he hopes we can work things out and he can try to be better.

I just don't want to be a mug or this be my life long term. When do you draw the line and say enough?

I keep looking over at my little baby. I'm heart broken I seem to have created him with a dad who cannot manage to go out for a drink without getting wasted.

You can't change him OP. You can only change your response to him.

You said your dad was "boozy". Have you had any counselling around that?

The mantra for children of alcoholics is "marry one or become one".

@YourHandInMyHand

You are going through a tough time OP and I'm afraid, in your shoes, I'd find this behaviour in a supposed responsible adult hard to forgive even without your past experiences. Also:

We had a conversation and it ended with him whole heartedly apologising and saying he understands if I want him to go but he hopes we can work things out and he can try to be better.
Talk is cheap. What is he going to do (not just try) to ensure this behaviour doesn't happen again?

It's all very well him saying he'd understand if you want him to leave - that's a bit of a cop out isn't it - putting the decision on you?

Why can't he commit, instead, to do something about his lack of self-discipline and just grow up? Can he? Does he actually have alcoholic tendencies or is he "just" self indulgent?

Either way he has a lot to work on - and first thing is to clean up the mess he made in your bedroom AGAIN.

Hope things improve for you and your little family OP. 🌹

I heard him "clean up" but given he didn't come downstairs for a bucket, disinfectant, etc god knows what level of cleaning has gone on. There's a towel in the washer and the dogs bedding - her crate is on his side of the bedroom so he must have hit that too. She's also in the front room with me currently. I wont be cleaning up any mess! I'll have a look in the cold light of day tomorrow and direct him to finish off the cleaning of it.

I agree with what is he going to actually DO.

I don't know if he'd be classed as an alcoholic or not. He definitely has a problem with dinge drinking in terms of he can't seem to just be able to go out for a couple.

"Marry one or become one." That's so sad. I shouldn't have had kids, despite all my awareness of what a shit situation it is to grow up around a drunk I've still ended up in a situation where my own kids are experiencing the same. THAT is why I'm being hard on myself. My poor boys.

I've had some counselling but it focused more on the abuse I suffered as a child than on being the child of an alcoholic.

He's repeated this morning his apologies and that if I want him to go he will go. I've been awake most of the night. I've also realised our town is now in universal credits, so if I became a single mum again I'd be on the UC system. I kind of think him leaving right now would actually be quite easy for him. But if he stays will he just think he's off the hook.

He's had to clean the dog this morning too as she had sick in her fur.

This must be so hard OP.
I've no idea what you do about all of this.
For me though, for now, I would ask him to leave.
Just give yourself some space to really think about what you want for you and your DC future.
But it certainly sounds like it's crunch time for you.

Those are not impossibly high standards @OP. I wouldn’t have that in front of my kids either! It’s just common decency IMO to not repeatedly get into that state of blackout drunkenness. Once in a blue moon is acceptable but on a weekly basis...nope!
If he can’t see he is being completely unreasonable and putting you in a terribly awkward position then he’s not worth keeping around! At the end of the day it’s not about what his mates wives will allow or put up with. You have a 3 month old baby whom he should be stepping up to the plate for! He is a binge drinker at best and an alcoholic at worst! He needs to figure out his priorities!