ASD - would an assessment make me the reddest of red flags?

[MeowTseTung]

Evening - I think I need some independent, anonymous advice here. Not looking for sympathy, validation, nowt like that, just some blunt, down to earth advice. And from lurking on here a while I think I can rely on (most of) you for that. MNHQ please feel free to move this elsewhere if you feel this isn't the right category for this thread.

Back story - and this will ramble on I'm afraid, sorry! I'm male, late 40s. Since my teens I have suffered quite severe anxiety, shyness, difficulty making friends although after pushing myself into a social life in my mid-20s I managed to get myself into a good close knit group of friends. Far too shy to ever ask anyone out though.

At 32 I moved back to my home area in the midlands where I didn't really. A couple of years after the move, I met someone who, eventually, I mustered the courage to ask on a date. Things developed somehow despite my earlier issues, got engaged, got married, had a beautiful DD.

In one sense I like to think I gave everything to our relationship, at least to a point. Probably too much in fact, since I eventually lost all contact with my friends and gave up what hobbies I had, just to "be there" at all times, I guess. Whatever it took to make OH and DD happy, that was the mindset.

However I eventually became more and more resentful when it was clear that OH wasn't happy. I was no doubt smothering her to start with, then becoming more and more resentful when I felt I was failing in my responsibility to make her happy. The arguments started, the sex life became non-existant. Nonetheless I continued to try as hard as I could to be the good husband. But the atmosphere got worse and worse. I got angrier, the arguments got worse, on a few (single figures) occasions I was horribly verbally abusive (never physically) to OH which I'm totally ashamed of myself for.

I had no intention of leaving, however one day after another (not especially heated) argument I simply packed my bags and ended up in a Travelodge on the M1 where I stayed for three days. That probably amounted to the longest period of time we had ever been apart in 15 years.

On returning, OH made it clear that "I had left her" (I hadn't in my mind) and that I should turn around and disappear. That was 12 months ago.

Since the day we separated we've been completely amicable. In fact we've got on far better than we ever did in the final 5 years of our marriage. We see each other almost on a daily basis as I look after DD when OH is at work. I know its over though. I wouldn't ever want to put her through what I must have put her through all over again.

So anyway, a combination of lurking on here and conversations with my GP and a workplace therapist have pointed me towards investigating whether I might have undiagnosed ASD. On top of the traits already mentioned, I also have issues in showing emotions. I loved my mum and dad dearly, however when they passed away I felt absolutely zero emotion on each occasion.

I have filled the assessment form. 41/50 is my score. What's holding me back from actually progressing it is primarily whether a positive diagnosis will only cause problems in life. Professionally it might, and in everyday life I'll have to faff around with the likes of the DVLA to make them aware.

It's the personal stigma which is holding me back the most though. On reading how challenging at best and destructive at worst having an ASD partner has been to some of your posters, I wonder to myself if looking for a diagnosis is simply just raising another red flag to wave towards anyone I might want to have a future relationship with (and to be clear, I'm certainly not on the prowl. I'm as shy as I ever was). I'd like to think I won't be on my tod for the rest of my days but I'm not particularly hopeful on that one and saying "by the way I'm ASD" to anyone new is hardly going to help my cause.

But... that's my quandary. Whilst deep down I would like to know whether or not I am ASD, I feel it is only going to be a thorn in my side both professionally and personally.

I'm not daft. Any diagnosis won't instantly change me as a person. It'll merely be a piece of paper medically defining why I am what I am. I'm sure I'll be equally as difficult to live with if I have a diagnosis or not. All in all though, I've been sat on my assessment form for three weeks now. My question (eventually!!) - should I bang it in the post?

What do you think the outcome of assessment will be?

Do you have to share the diagnosis? Does anyone other than yourself really need to know (assuming you even have autism)?

If you will feel at peace by undergoing assessment, then go ahead and get assessed. Sometimes just the knowing helps, either way.

@itwouldtake... Not a clue if I'm honest. And since I'm approaching 50 I'm not sure there is truly any net benefit in finding out. I guess the content of the various ASD posts on here has affected me over the past few days. I can see a lot of my traits in the descriptions of posters' OHs. I suppose it's a wake-up call. I don't want to be that sort of partner and want to work on dealing with myself. And perhaps becoming happy in the process too.

PhilODox No, maybe not. It's not the sort of thing I'd be especially comfortable keeping from a long term partner though.

I could have written your story, I never really had friends as I grew up, just people I knew, I left school, got a job, didn't have any real relationships until I met my husband, we got married within a year of meeting, bought a house & within a year I was pregnant with DS. We stayed together until DS was 6, but I was never truly happy, I just went through the motions until I realised that I didn't want to 've with my husband any more. I packed mine & DS bags one night & left, I'd met someone else who I wanted to be with, someone who understood me, we were together nearly 5 years until he died & it was the only time since growing up I felt truly loved & that I felt like I was in love with him. Since then I've been on my own, I still don't have friends, just people I know, I don't go out much, I shut myself away. I've only wondered about ASD since DS was diagnosed 6 years ago, I've been treated for depression since I was 17, but I don't feel like it is depression, I can't cope with people, crowds, noise, bright lights, just like DS, I have problems with sleep, I have to have a rigid routine, I have obsessions. I lost my dad 3 months ago & I feel like I can't grieve, I miss him desperately but I feel numb. I'm on the waiting list for an autism assessment, I've been waiting 18 months. I don't know if finding out will change anything but I'm hoping it will stop me feeling that I'm a terrible person who isn't capable of being a friend or being loved.

I think having a diagnosis would benefit you because it would help you to identify the things you struggle with and help you to work out strategies. I am happily married to a man who has asd.

You do not have to disclose an ASD diagnosis to anyone unless you want to.

Not the DVLA unless your autism affects your driving. You appear to be able to drive and have been doing for quite some time, so no, DVLA do not need to be informed.

Do you need any reasonable adjustments at work in order to do your job? If not, your employer does not need to know.

Yes, put your application in the post, if you have autism, you were born with it and you'll always have it, whether it's diagnosed or not.

Everyone I've read about who has been diagnosed as an adult has said that it's still a shock even though they were expecting it but after some time, when they've processed the diagnosis, it gives them the confidence to be themselves. all their lives they've wondered why they seemed different to other people, their diagnosis explains that.

There's generally no support after adult diagnosis and that leaves some people a bit fragile, so do be prepared for that and give yourself time to process it.

Nat6999 (this place could really do with a 'hug' emoji...)

So sorry to hear your situation. It's so clear how much those few years with your partner meant to you and for that time to be cut short must hurt like hell. It proves you're not a terrible person and that you can be loved though...

I've weaned myself off my anti-depressants a few months ago. It may well be responsible for feeling how I do at the moment but I'm glad I've made myself do it just to prove that I can. Even if I eventually end up back on them.

Can relate to pretty much everything else you've said, especially the crowds, the routines and the noise although for me it's the quietest noises that do my head in if that makes any sense. Stay strong, hopefully your assessment will happen soon and that it makes things clearer for you.

And thank you all for your responses so far. It's given me food for thought...

@MeowTseTung
It made me sad to read your post, I completely understand how you came to that while 'lurking' here. However things are not that bleak at all.

I don't know where to start. I will do with simple things.

I'll have to faff around with the likes of the DVLA to make them aware.
There was a scare a few weeks ago about the change of rules, but it was swiftly overturned. You don't need to disclose to DVLA unless it affects your driving. If you past the driving test and have a valid license, you seem to be OK. False alarm.

should I bang it in the post?
Yes, of course you should.
As BlanTimes says, many autistic people I talk to consider the diagnosis liberating and self-affirming. It gives them the key to understand their functioning and experiences. It validates and many people find it empowering.

I think it will require some reflection, reexamination of assumptions and concepts one have about autism, disabilities, a lot of things one generally don't think deeply about until it starts affecting us personally. I started considering these things when my elder child was diagnosed. It changes the perspective in life.

The quality of sources of information is key and the perspective as well. Usually the information from the National Autistic Society is a good start. There are also autism hate groups that spread prejudices and disinformation. A very damaging place to start learning about ASC.

Is it really just a written self assessment that you post? How do you get one? misses the point

I cannot say how you'll feel about the outcome.

But I can tell you what my teen ds says about knowing he's autistic.

He was relieved. For him it was a case of "I'm not weird, I'm differently wired"

It's interesting how people seem to accept him and his quirks more when they known its due to being autistic (rightly or wrongly!).

It doesn't define who he is but rather he sees it as assigning him to a group of like minded people and he's noticed over the years friends he's made have all turned out to be autistic like him (when they've finally told them about their dx)

I think there's (not enough!) fat more understanding of asd nowadays and plenty of employers actually like applicants on the spectrum because some of the characteristics common with it are beneficial to the field.

Personally I don’t understand the need to pursue dx but if you are going to it would be better to do it while your parents are alive as early impact (preschool) is I think particularly definitive. It’s an expensive process and quite unsettling so I think exploring benefits before you start as you are doing here is a good idea.

I think it will help you going forward. You will be able to understand how your brain works and then that will help you navigate the world that little bit easier.

As for telling people, you can tell whoever you want. But it is becoming so much better understood that people will understand you better when you say ‘I have asd’. They will get why you say/behave in a certain way instead of just thinking your an arse.

You will be able to understand how your brain works and then that will help you navigate the world that little bit easier. I don’t think this really happens. Everyone with asd is different. You might be able to copy strategies from other people with asd, if you feel they present with similar challenges, but you don’t need dx to do that. As a way of avoiding people thinking you are an arse, my experience is there are people with asd who are arses and people who aren’t, and dx doesn’t get you out of being perceived that way if you are.

What it will do is allow you to ask for accommodations in the workplace and from other services you use and you will gain some rights.

Getting diagnosed will help you understand yourself. You start putting the pieces together and understand why you behaved in certain ways etc.

Saying that, I'm pretty sure I have ASD but have not pushed myself to get diagnosed for various reasons (laziness being one of them). Exploring the world of ASD has helped me understand myself more. Like you, I bolted after a major upset with my partner and he took it that I left and has never looked back. But I now understand why I do such things, why I'm socially inept, why I flap my hands and why I have sensory issues.

But it could open up avenues for support, in and out of the work place.

I think one area where it would be helpful for prospective partners is because sometimes things people with ASD do (myself, my partner and my 2 kids all have it) can look really uncaring /bordering on abusive to the person who isnt doing it.

And its what happens when thats pointed out, and your commitment to trying to avoid it which will underpin your success in relationships going forward.

as a completely banal example I could say partner A offers to drive partner B to the supermarket and back, and when they get home they just walk to the house and leave partner B to carry all the bags of shopping. Not because partner A is a selfish bastard who wants to see partner B struggle - obviously not, because they would not have offered to drive them - but because when partner A goes to the shops they only ever buy 2 bags of shopping at the most and it simply doesnt occur to them that partner B has loaded the back up with enough for a family for a week. If it were pointed out by partner B that they need a hand, really simply stating the fact, partner A would jump to help. An abusive arsehole would not. In fact partner A MAY become a bit overwhelmed that they didnt offer, especially in the early days when you are just getting to know each other and dont want to look bad - but hopefully not mortified and incapable of helping because of the self flaggalation that sometimes happens (especially if partner B shouted 'oi, you selfish git, cant you see me struggling here)

Its a balancing act of expressing needs on both sides. And explaining things that are a problem. And leaning not to take things too personally.

Not only will it not be a red flag for the most part, but you having reflected on your experiences and behaviours, and taken steps to figure out what's going on with you, without having been forced to, is a green flag.

Sometimes people look for a label for whatever their thing is so as to wheel it out as an excuse for treating others badly. But they do that with anything and everything, including complete neurotypicality ("I'm like this because I'm normal; you're not normal so you won't get it").

The question with everything is whether the label is helping them become the best - and least harmful - possible version of themselves, or whether they're using it to enable their lack of interest in self-development, lack of interest in treating other people well. That's something we should probably all be looking out for in everyone we're close to, and in ourselves.

But when someone is driven in that regard, it does usually become apparent fairly quickly, and as I say, it's a very good and encouraging trait.

Some people will have had bad experiences with whatever your thing is, and won't want to date you because of the negative associations - or due to knowing that it's a bad match with their own thing - but that's them, and again, you get that with anything and everything.

I found that being diagnosed with autism helped give me the confidence to throw myself into researching all the different ways it can manifest, so as to get to know myself better and give others more accurate information to help them manage their expectations of me. You may be able to do that without diagnosis; I could have, but I would have been less relaxed about the whole process. Whatever's right for you.

I think an ASD assessment would help, it is not a stigma and might help with coping skills.

The most difficult relationships are where there is no knowledge of the condition. If you meet someone and you click then I doubt saying you have ASD would have them running away, it would actually help with misunderstandings.

Are you aware of Alexithymia?